Cycles

It’s been a while since the last blog post I've written....A lot of things have happened in my life in the last 9 months and to try and round them all up sounds a bit mad in and of itself so I think I’m just going to leave the details out and sum things up thematically over the next few weeks/posts.

The first thing, the thing I want to tackle this fine Friday afternoon is cycles. In specific, how I was stuck in cycles, how I made them my identity. The confusion lack of cycles can cause, namely that I don’t really know what to do with myself, now that I’m no longer stuck in those cycles.

I’ve spent the last couple of years having new experiences, and with that comes realisations about your own life. My previous (old?) life. The life where I lacked these things, and wanted them so badly. The most important one being that I don’t really think I know who I am or what I want. Which, I know, sounds crazy but bear with me.

My identity for the last 19+ years has been rooted in my taking care of people, namely my family (nuclear and extended). I had to grow up really young, and things only went from bad to worse over the last 6 years. I had to work a lot and give up the little things that make life fun. I don’t really have hobbies. I don’t really have ‘me-time’, or know what to do with it when it very rarely came about. I worked a lot, stressed a lot, and never really had a minute to myself.

Now, I’m not complaining because I feel like those experiences helped me become a fully functioning adult at a really young age. I feel like I’m very level-headed, independent, and responsible but at the very same time I’m realising that I don’t really know my identity outside of “Ayaan the Caregiver”. I’m terrible at thinking of myself. I’m guilty for every single decision I make that’s not directly rooted in the wellbeing of other people. I’m horrific at asking for help, or even telling the people around me what it is I’m going through. I feel useless when I can’t do things for others. I hate myself when I make people worry about me.

This realisation comes, because over the last few months I’ve been making decisions and doing things simply because I want to/wanted to. I’ve been a little selfish (self-indulgent?), and have done things purely because they make me happy. But I’m now wondering how much of that was my romanticised idea of ‘freedom’ and how much was a genuine desire to do those things? When I sit, and think, and wonder, and look within myself I realise I don’t really know what it is that I want, much less what I need.

Now don’t get me wrong! The experiences I’ve had lately have been wonderful, revealing, challenging, daunting and educational. I’ve faced a lot of things that used to scare me head on, and I feel that I’m a much better person for it. I’ve dealt with trauma and fears, and feel a lot more confident for it. I’ve met new people and feel richer for it. I love myself in ways that I could’ve never even imagined just a few months ago. I love my body in ways that I could’ve never even imagined just a few months ago. I’ve learnt what my limits are, where I’m willing to compromise, and where I need to draw clear lines. The question now lies in figuring out what I need in the future, how to get to it, and how to deal with the other things I need to face before I’m truly ‘me’. The best version of ‘me’, whoever she will be.

I hope that this makes sense. This post is spontaneous and disjointed and definitely not edited but I really just wanted to get my thoughts out.