Change

Another sleepless night, another incoherent blog post...

I'm really not sure what it is I want to talk about tonight, but I have this overwhelming desire to write (which makes me so so happy!) so I guess we'll just do a little word vomit tonight and clean it up at some point?

The thing on the forefront of my mind right now is relationships. I feel like I expect people to treat me the way I would treat them. I don't mean this in terms of level of respect, but in reciprocation of actual actions. And in essence, that's not how the world works. There are 7 billion people in the world, and each and every single person has their own unique world view. Every person has been through different experiences, and because of that every person will react to something in their own unique way, right? We're not all robots and that's the beauty in people. Difference.

Expecting people to treat me in a way that's not natural to them is going to cause me nothing but heartache, but for some reason it's a concept I'm really struggling with lately. I've spent the last two months being upset about things that I have no reason to be upset about. I should be happy that the people around me are being transparent and truthful and authentic. I should feel happy that I'm spending my time with people that are not pretending. I should be happy that I don't have to guess, and overthink, and jump to conclusions about people's true intentions - but for some reason I'm not.

Lately, I've also been struggling with seeing things as they are - what I like to call being rationally irrational. I try to figure out why people do the things they do, and what their actions really mean. I spend hours upon hours wondering if they did what they did as some type of power play or as a way to get one up on me. I wonder if anybody is sincere in anything that they say to me. I wonder if sincerity is real.

This, coupled with my ever changing opinion on love, and the transactional and hierarchical nature of human interaction is a definite recipe for disaster. I like to believe that love is an infinite resource, and that I can give love in its many different forms to the many different people in my life. It doesn't have to be romantic. It doesn't have to be platonic. It doesn't have to be anything - it's just love. I want to stop treating my love as a currency. I want to stop investing my love, in the hopes of a greater return in the future. I just want to love for the sake of loving.

I want to be more present and more vulnerable in the moment. I want to truly believe that if things will work out then they will. And if they don't, then I'll at least have enjoyed the process. I want to be more honest to the experience, and more honest to myself. I want to have more experiences. I want to try new things, and different things, and frightening things. I want to overcome.

I want to accept people as they are. I want to remember why they are in my life, and how they help me become a better person. I want to push myself to be more open, to be more vulnerable, and to not be afraid of getting hurt. If I'm honest I think that's the root cause behind a lot of my actions. A fear of putting myself out there. I'm afraid of not being in control.

Positivity breeds positivity and all of that. Fake it til you make it, right? I'm trying to believe in the power of speaking things into existence. And I want to speak into existence this change I see for myself.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I'm a mess but I'm working on detangling that mess. I'm working on my health, both physical and mental. I'm working on my fitness. I'm working on my professional life. I'm working on my personal life. I'm working on my artistic life. I'm working.

I'm a work in progress, and that's fine.