Contemplating Existence

I contemplate and I sit down, so I can contemplate more about the purpose of life, the reason I am alive, why any of us are alive. These burning questions stay with me. There are times when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning and wonder what in the hell is my purpose. What is out there that is eluding me , that is so evasive. Why are we born, where do our soul go after we take our last living breath, where do we come from? How did we get here, Why were we created, does God exist, why is the Universe so vast. The more I think, the more confused I become about asking the questions. I know my ancestors wondered the same wonder and looked for a meaning of life , purpose and reason for their existence. I’m not the first nor the last human to ask these questions in private or in public.

But damn it would be nice to have an answer to a question that has plagued me for years. I am forty two years old and I am still confused . I ask myself questions about who I am. The conversation goes like this. “Self who am I, what is my purpose, why was I born.” Self answers, “Alma for fucks sake we don't know , we are asking the same questions hoping you would have the answer. “ This internal dialogue goes on forever. I often look up, looking for answers in the sky. I love taking photographs of the sky and the clouds. Praying that one day the answer will be written up there for me . The answer to my burning questions about my existence and my purpose.

I am looking to set my soul on fire, epiphany . Revelation about who I am. But do I really know who I am? Did I truly get to know myself, do I understand Alma. How can I understand the world if I don't understand me. There is a possibility I don't want to understand , I don't want to deal with who I will find when I peel off the layers of my being. I believe I am not mentaly prepared to deal with the monster deep within me, hiding in the dark cave of my mind. Another scenario of possibility is that I am weak and afraid. I possess some dark twisted thoughts, that I tend to push back down. I push them jokers like they are dough mixed with yeast about to spill out of the bowl. I am not ready to mold and bake them. I assume the taste is terrible , pungent and ripe with a stench. Truth be told I am not ready to deal with it.

So I sit down and contemplate the reason for my existence and push down my yeasty thoughts. Me, myself and I keep going in a circle, round and round we go. No I am not depressed, There has to be someone out here on this plant that can relate. I know I am not the only one avoiding to deal with the monster self. What if I let the monster come out , confront it and find out that the purpose for my life is to be a destructive force in other people's lives. Could this be the reason my purpose is eluding me. Is the Universal Law the culprit of not letting me find out my true purpose, my intentions are good but what if I receive an answer to the questions I have been seeking and turn them into malice. Should I stop seeing and accept things as they are. When death comes for me , maybe then it will be revealed to me why I didn't find the purpose for my life in this lifetime of my existence .