Completely Lost

Let`s just say I`m a 19 year old girl who`s completely lost in this world and mind. I feel like I don`t know what to do with my life so I decided to write when I need to express my internal battles and exterior conflicts. I use to write as a way of expressing since I struggle with verbally expressing myself. No, I don`t have thoughts of taking my life or causing self-harm but I do have thoughts of what my purpose on this earth is. I believe my purpose was to heal others, not physically like a nurse, but spiritually from the soul. I believe we`re all bruised and damaged but never broken. I`ve always been one that everybody went to when it came to expressing themselves without feeling judged and being heard and understood. i see myself as my own boss instead of working for someone else. I do have internal battles with myself. Sometimes I could be a bitch, and sometimes i could be the most sweetest person ever. I can`t help but be easily irritated with people and what they do but the nice side of me fights with me, letting me know that it`s nice and they don`t deserve that so I stay quiet. I could be the most social butterfly in the room being the life of the party and bringing everybody making sure everybody is having fun. At times I`m an introvert and anti-social. I feel intimidated talking to people because I feel like they`re watching me and judging everything I do just waiting for me to mess up. I swear that i have two polar opposite sides of me living in me and I don`t know how to handle them at times. But now I really feel like I don`t know what to do with them. I don`t want to go to college because I don`t know what i want my career to be yet because i see myself doing multiple things and they all make an impact on society but I don`t know which one would take the lead role in my life. So now I`m trying to find a job but it`s hard when I don`t have that much working experience and all the jobs I apply to either don`t get back to me or i get an interview to be denied after that. I`m stuck in this little dark bubble feeling all this stagnant energy and I`m lost on what to do. I keep pushing and pushing but how much more pushing do I need to do before I find something to do with myself instead of being lost in the mist of this stagnant energy.