ArielleC.

Joined November 2020

2 stories

Bio

i want to publish what`s going on in my head and within myself as a way of expression but also so others can feel connected to me to let them know that they`re not alone and they`re understood because they`re are not the only ones,

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Am I The Problem?
I just need to know if I`m the problem? I know I can be hard-headed and stubborn, I have pride, I`m too sensitive, and I`m pessimistic, and my thoughts overcome me sometimes, but I`m not the only person who is like that. I don't try to be this way, it's my defense mechanism or my flaws that are naturally part of who I am. I`m not perfect. Nobody is. Our flaws make us who we are. I`ve been trying to work on those flaws but even then it seems to not work or it just backfires and I don't know what else to do. But I keep pushing, why? Because I love you. I know I have flaws but why do you think it's ok to give me a list of them all the time and say that you`re just calling me out on my bullshit. It's not fair to me because you`re so focused on ‘calling me out’ that you don't realize that you`re being hypocritical or caring to focus on your wrongs. You just have this way of making me feel small compared to you. Anytime I say something that goes against what you say it's like I`m the one attacking you when I`m not trying to. You use this sharp and aggressive tone that makes my voice have no volume and when you speak it's like your words over mine and that you`re right which makes my words feel like they have power or meaning. Maybe it's the things I say that make you get like that so maybe I should think before I talk but that would have to go both ways because I don`t think you know what your voice and words make me feel. You make me feel so weak in a way where every time you kiss me I get warm inside and goosebumps travel from the back of my skull to the front from the right side, or when you compliment me you make me feel beautiful, or when you touch me I crave for your touch and I just want to stay in that moment forever, but you make me feel so weak in a negative way where I feel small compared to you, I`m always getting scolded, I`m always wrong for doing something because that's why we`re in an argument, to begin with, I`m always the one attacking you, I`m the only one messing things up, I`m the toxic one, everything is my fault, and you make me wanna cry but I can't because I already wasted my tears on all the previous arguments and you threaten to leave me and you make me want to run away from you but don't because I don't have the courage to do that to you, because I love you, and because if I run that means I stopped trying and I don't want to give up on us because I love you. I waited for you for two years through high school and you put me through the wringer during that time and then it took an extra year because we stopped talking to each other after graduation because you let me know the decision you were making which was to stay with a toxic girl, never loved you, brought you down, made you feel weak and small. And had other guys talking to her and in the end, she left you, I just don't understand how you can put up with all of that but you can't put up with my flaws that millions of other people have. I gave you everything that I could offer you. I`m tired of feeling like I`m the person messing up with us. It takes one person to trigger somebody else but it takes two to argue. God only knows how many times I tried not to argue with you. I've been biting my tongue and not shutting down on you and when I try to do those things it triggers an argument regardless of how many times I brush off your questions so I don't have to answer honestly because that would have to deal with how I'm feeling and I`ve been controlling my emotions to the best of my abilities but you can't control emotions.it`s like no matter how many times I try to control, maintain, alter, or work with factors that trigger arguments it always backfires and never works. I don't know if it's how I go about it or because you just can't seem to let things go or understand and see what I'm trying to prevent but one way or another we just always argue. And then after we argue we get into our emotions and admit all of our wrongs apologizing and say well work on things, kiss and make up just for us to have a couple of good days just to end up back at square one where we first started, I`m just drained from all the negativity that goes on and mixes horribly with the positivity. I`m not tired of you, I promise, I'm just tired of everything that happens between us that just seems like a never-ending nightmare. I just want us to be completely at peace with one another and for you to understand that I'm human and I have flaws and I can't change every single one of them in one shout. I'm not perfect. I'm a beautiful disaster.
By ArielleC.5 years ago in Humans
Completely Lost
Let`s just say I`m a 19 year old girl who`s completely lost in this world and mind. I feel like I don`t know what to do with my life so I decided to write when I need to express my internal battles and exterior conflicts. I use to write as a way of expressing since I struggle with verbally expressing myself. No, I don`t have thoughts of taking my life or causing self-harm but I do have thoughts of what my purpose on this earth is. I believe my purpose was to heal others, not physically like a nurse, but spiritually from the soul. I believe we`re all bruised and damaged but never broken. I`ve always been one that everybody went to when it came to expressing themselves without feeling judged and being heard and understood. i see myself as my own boss instead of working for someone else. I do have internal battles with myself. Sometimes I could be a bitch, and sometimes i could be the most sweetest person ever. I can`t help but be easily irritated with people and what they do but the nice side of me fights with me, letting me know that it`s nice and they don`t deserve that so I stay quiet. I could be the most social butterfly in the room being the life of the party and bringing everybody making sure everybody is having fun. At times I`m an introvert and anti-social. I feel intimidated talking to people because I feel like they`re watching me and judging everything I do just waiting for me to mess up. I swear that i have two polar opposite sides of me living in me and I don`t know how to handle them at times. But now I really feel like I don`t know what to do with them. I don`t want to go to college because I don`t know what i want my career to be yet because i see myself doing multiple things and they all make an impact on society but I don`t know which one would take the lead role in my life. So now I`m trying to find a job but it`s hard when I don`t have that much working experience and all the jobs I apply to either don`t get back to me or i get an interview to be denied after that. I`m stuck in this little dark bubble feeling all this stagnant energy and I`m lost on what to do. I keep pushing and pushing but how much more pushing do I need to do before I find something to do with myself instead of being lost in the mist of this stagnant energy.
By ArielleC.5 years ago in Motivation

ArielleC.

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Am I The Problem?

Completely Lost

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