Change

Nobody can make me feel as miserable and worthless as I can. It has always been one of my worst character traits. The self-loathing I can inflict on myself can be so damaging, I find myself wanting to sleep my life away. The beautiful dreams that encompass my sleep, are always more pleasant than reality.

In my dreams, I can be a beautiful heroine saving the world from monsters. I can be a princess with every suitor wanting a bid for my time. No matter what the story, I am always happy and worth something. When I wake up, I feel a great sense of loss. The life I was living in my dream, will never come back. Although, a different story might replace it. It could be better or worse than the last, but either way it will be better than my actual life. I almost never want to live in reality.

When I see myself in the mirror, I find every flaw imaginable. My teeth are a little too crooked. My hair is a little too dull. My body is a little too flubby. My eyes are a little too boring. My face is a mess filled with red dots and scars that nobody will ever find attractive.

I often find myself wondering if other people feel so negatively about themselves. Does social media play a difference? I’m not an expert. I don’t have the answer to that question. All I do know, is that when I see other women smiling and happy through a screen, it makes me feel worse about myself. People’s success shouldn’t make me feel so terrible, it should make me happy for them. They put in hard work and deserve their nice lives.

Instead, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. I find myself thinking that my life will never be as fulfilling as everybody else’s. I will never be as beautiful as the girl on the beach in a bikini. I will never find love like my high school friends and their husbands did. I will never have enough money to buy my own home. I will never be able to do a pushup like the girl in the gym. Everything just seems so hopeless. Being asleep and living in a dream world, just seems more appealing than the constant suffering I go through everyday with my own mind.

At least, that’s how I viewed the world and lived my life until six months ago. I still struggle with thoughts like these and I still want to sleep the day away sometimes, but I have found a way to make myself feel a little better. I have garnered a new coping mechanism.

One night, I was laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I had just eaten an entire pizza to myself. BBQ chicken and pineapple. My stomach ached and I could smell the food lingering on my skin and in my clothes. My face felt more oily than usual. All I could think about was how uncomfortable I felt. The rolls on my body were folded over each other and the feeling of skin on skin was almost unbearable. I didn’t want to be in my own body.

As I lay there, stone faced and feeling absolutely awful about myself, I came to the conclusion that I had to change. I would never feel better if I continued the destructive habits that perpetuated my mindset.

So, the next day I applied for a gym membership online. Truly, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to bring myself there. I knew I would feel like a fish out of water. I was never particularly large. I stayed about forty to fifty pounds over-weight. I just wasn’t in shape. I only ever worked out in gym class growing up. By the time I was an adult, I was just too busy with school and work to focus on fitness. Knowing I would be in terrible fitness shape, I didn’t know if I could handle being in a gym with people who knew how to take care of their bodies. Even so, I needed the option to go. So, signing up was a first big step.

It took me a couple weeks to decide to go. I would drive to the gym and sit in the parking lot. People of all different shapes and sizes would go through the large glass doors. I could see people on various machines and equipment that I knew nothing about through the windows. Then, I would leave. I found every reason not to go in and convinced myself leaving was the best option.

Finally, the day came when I decided to walk in. It was a Friday afternoon. I had been sitting in the parking lot for a little while, but there weren’t many people walking in. It was a very slow day.

Without thinking, I found myself going inside to try and find people. There was a young woman at the front desk. I was about to walk past her, but she kindly stopped me. “Excuse me ma’am.” She said professionally. “I just need you to sign in really quick before you go through.”

Blood rushed to my cheeks. Already, I had shown that I didn’t belong. “I’m sorry.” I said sheepishly. “I signed up online and didn’t know.”

She wasn’t upset. “Not a problem. Let’s take your picture and get a pass printed.” She told me kindly.

Her reaction made me feel a little better. At least, I didn’t turn around a run. She quickly walked me through what I needed to do. Then, she had a pass printed. Before she sent me on my way she asked, “Do you want somebody to give you a quick tour of the facility?”

I looked ahead of me into the open space where all the equipment was. It was a little overwhelming, but I didn’t want to make my obliviousness even more obvious. “I’m okay, thank you.”

In movies, you always see skinny women sweating profusely on cardio equipment. So, I made the decision to start with the elliptical. It helped that all of the cardio equipment was the first thing I saw when I walked in. I didn’t have to roam around trying to find something.

I set my car keys in the cup holder, took a deep breath, and climbed onto the machine. I wasn’t nervous anymore. The rest of the world disappeared around me and I was left alone working on myself in a positive way. Slowly, I started to move my feet. There was no resistance on the machine at first.

Five minutes went by and it started to seem easier, so I moved resistance up to three. It was much harder, but I didn’t want to give up. It was almost as if I had something to prove to myself. I really wanted to finish at least another five minutes with it being more difficult. So, I blocked out the pain. I watched the TV that was on the wall. I couldn’t even tell you what was playing, just some rerun of a crime show I didn’t care about. Before I knew it, twenty minutes had passed.

My breathing was heavy, there was sweat on my forehead, back and under my arms, and I undeniably felt good about myself. For the first time in months, maybe even years, I was proud of myself. Twenty minutes to some people might be nothing, but to me it was life changing. I had accomplished something I set my mind to. It was so rewarding.

I grabbed my keys and got off the machine elated. My legs were a little shaky, but I felt great. As I was walking on of the gym, there was a table setup by the front that I hadn’t noticed before. A banner said, “$20,000 Grand Prize.”

An older gentleman, in really good shape, noticed my curiosity before I even noticed him. “Are you interested in signing up?” He asked.

His voice startled me. I wasn’t prepared to talk to anybody else that day. I walked closer to the table where he was sitting. “What is it?” I asked in return.

“We are doing a fitness competition. The person who has the greatest body fat percentage decrease over three months wins $20,000. It is a $20 entrance fee.” I knew a little about Body Mass Index from high school health class. The lower the body fat compared to other components the body is made up of, the lower the percentage of body fat.

The man wasn’t as friendly and inviting as the woman at the front desk. He seemed much more task oriented, but not at all rude. “I’m sorry, I don’t know my current body fat percentage.” I informed him.

He gave a small chuckle, lightening the mood a little. “It’s alright. We would do the before and after measurements here.” As he said this, he pointed to a device that closely resembled a normal scale.

I nodded to myself, but he took my movement a little different than I intended. “Is that a yes?” He asked me.

Caught off guard, I nodded my head again. This time I said, “Yeah, I’ll sign up.” I didn’t know if I actually wanted to participate, but I definitely didn’t want to the situation to be anymore uncomfortable with me. Signing up, seemed like the easy way out.

“Wonderful. Let’s get started.” The man handed me some paperwork to fill out. Then, he took my payment. Lastly, he took my measurements and entered them into the laptop he had with him. It didn’t take much time.

“Well, thanks for your time.” I told him as I was about to head out.

He quickly reached under the table to grab something. “Wait!” He called to me. “I almost forgot. Take this.” He said while handing me a small black notebook.

I tentatively took it from him. “What is this for?”

“You get a notebook upon sign up to write down your workouts and your progress every day.”

Well, it probably wasn’t going to get much use then. Although, I didn’t tell him that. “Thank you.” I said instead. Finally, I made it out into the warm summer night. The humid air felt even more heavy on top of my sweaty skin. I got into my car, but before driving away I stopped and watched the gym for a couple more minutes. A new feeling became evident. I was happy with myself. It was a strange, but not unwelcome feeling.

Over time, I proved myself wrong. I did use the little black notebook. A lot. At least five to six times a week over the next three months I wrote down workouts to try. Workouts I completed. How I was feeling before and after my workouts. Some days, it took a lot of effort to get to the gym. Some days, I didn’t make it out of bed at all. Except, the progress I made physically and mentally was astounding. It was more effort I had put into my own life in years.

Eventually, the competition was complete. The results came out. I had won. It is almost an indescribable feeling I had when I won. There was no feeling of worthlessness. No self-judgment. Only pure happiness and pride. I hadn’t even planned on winning. My only goal was to make it out of bed every day. Sometimes, I failed. The majority of the time, I didn’t.

Now, I sit on a bench by the free-weights staring in the mirror at the changed woman I have become. My body is more toned. My hair is in a cute ponytail. My eyes are bright and alight with determination. If I start to think negatively, I try to focus on at least one positive. Life can be enjoyable, even if I have to try a little harder than everybody else.