But now I'm insecure

Take one minute to write all the things about yourself that you are insecure about.

One minute not long enough? Does the list's length rival that of an albatross's wingspan? Or perhaps the question put you on the spot and now you're panicking.

Sorry.

Let's try an easier list. Write all the things about yourself that you're not insecure about.

Here, I'll go first.

My eyes. They are big, brown eyes. I get an adequate amount of sleep each night. I take time away from the phone screen or computer screen to give them rest. This prevents bloodshot eyes. My vision is perfect, I don't need to wear any glasses or contacts. There once existed a time where I wanted blue eyes so bad. Brown represented boring. Everyone has brown eyes. You're nothing special for having them. Yet I grew up and overcame this social hatred of boring dumb brown eyes.

They are special to me. They are the only thing I'm not insecure about. Someone tells me I have bland boring brown eyes, I have the confidence to not care about the comment.

Because I'm secure in how I feel about my eyes.

Much shorter of a list, right?

How about you? Anything that came to your mind while I blabbed about my eyes? Because I can tell you with absolute certainty, that's basically the only thing I can confidently say I'm not insecure about.

So why in the world am I so insecure about every other aspect of my life? Why do I care what other people think about every tiny minute detail about myself?

Perhaps the past memories of being bullied comes to mind. But that's no excuse. Everyone gets bullied one point or another in their lives. Most everyone even bullies someone else, whether they mean to or not. Whether it's from one short sentence by accident or it's a few weeks of harassment. It's human nature. Thankfully, many who make the mistakes end up learning from them.

Probably because they are up late at night, lying in their subpar bed, surrounded by pillows that needed replacing three years ago, thinking of all the cringey things they've done. Subjecting themselves to that torture.

"Hey, remember when I was nine years old and I told my friend that I think it's weird they smiled when they cried? God, they must think I'm the worst asshole on the planet and hate my guts. Who knows why people can stand to hang out with me for more than five minutes..."

Which leads to the next point. Everyone judges. It's not always a bad thing. You're of course going to judge that moldy tomato and think "yeah, not for me and my body, but thanks anyway."

But lots of judgement gets passed onto others. I'm no saint and I'm not going to pretend to be. If you're going to walk up to me and smell like you haven't had a relationship with a bar of soap in over a week, I'm going to take a step back from you. My nose will act revolted, my body will follow suit to protect said nose. And my mind will wonder why showers are a danger to you.

Of course there are many reasons why someone had not had the chance to shower. A poor single mother of 5 kids, trying her darnest to make ends meet. Which will be at the cost of her own self care.

Or perhaps a man who is indeed homeless and trying his best to look satisfactory for society so he can get that job finally.

But the point being, I still judged. I judged by first glance (or sniff) and I reacted instantly.

It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. But it does mean I judged someone. Everyone does it, whether they mean to or not. Whether they mean it in a harmful way or not.

So. If everyone judges. And everyone has bully tendencies at least once in their life...then why are so many people still insecure?

At this point, we all shouldn't care, right? Who cares if I'm judged for my not flat stomach? Millions of other women don't have flat stomachs. Who cares if I'm bullied for my mole covered skin and not perfectly white teeth? Lots of people have been bullied the crap out of having slightly yellow tinted teeth.

(Or maybe we are downing our third cup of coffee at work because we hate our jobs and are trying to find some semblance of alertness to keep us going after 1:00pm. Coffee which has been notorious for staining teeth.)

See...insecure.

Anyway, why does it bother us so?

I could sit here all day and blame all things on our modern world. Social media puts high standards on people. The feeling of getting attention validates our worth in society. People who have the things we don't basically get picked apart for their perfections as we compare ourselves to them. "Ah, well, she's more successful than me because she doesn't have this stupid acne problem I suffer from." "He's able to entice the crowds because he's quick-witted and I'm over here saying 'you too' when a waiter tells me to enjoy my meal."

Here's the big secret, my friend.

She also has an acne problem just like you. He also has at least once in his life accidentally said 'you too' to the waiter.

The difference is the changes they made.

Loving Yourself.

Please, before you groan because you trapped yourself into another piece of writing that talks about loving yourself, just hear me out.

Because loving yourself takes more than just the daily affirmations.

Loving yourself takes more than just the "I know I'm socially awkward and I accept that."

Loving yourself takes growth.

Like all relationships, you need to take time and let it grow. The first step you take will be the daily affirmations you say in the mirror. But you need to continue those steps.

Pretend your dog got sprayed by a skunk. What would be your first reaction?

Hopefully you would immediately check if your dog was okay. Perhaps you'd look through their fur for any scratches or wounds. Maybe you'd check your poor pup's eyes for any redness. After making sure no damages were done, you'd proceed to the next logical step. You'd prepare ingredients for a bath. A very smelly bath.

You know what you wouldn't do?

You wouldn't start berating and screaming at your dog. You also wouldn't give the dog a treat and tell them they were a good boy. You'd check if they were okay, then fix the problem.

Let's say your best friend got back together with an ex they had broken up with due to incompatibility. The first question that would leave your mouth would be "why"??

It doesn't mean you don't love your friend by not supporting them right off the bat. In fact, it shows just how much you love your friend by showing concern for their well being.

Well, the same goes for the relationship you have with yourself.

You botched an interview. You had been nervous about it all week. The anxiety hit hard about an hour beforehand. You went in, made a fool of yourself, said some things that came out totally wrong, and you left.

What you're not going to say to yourself:

-I knew it. I always mess these up.

-This is what I get for getting my hopes up.

-Things always turn out this way.

-Better go get some comfort food to cheer myself up.

What you ARE going to say to yourself:

-Whelp, at least I know what not to do next time.

-Perhaps this wasn't meant for me anyway.

-I can't wait to vent about this to my friend/lover/family member.

-Eh, something else will come along the way.

You acknowledge your flaws, but don't berate yourself for them. However, you don't reward yourself for them either, else you'll never get better. The insecurity will always stay if you don't acknowledge it and try to fix it in a way you can control.

There are insecurities you will have to live with. My mole covered skin and my inability to draw things other people love even though I've been trying since I was 13 are things I have to come to terms with. Thing is, these are insecurities that don't bother me as much. Sure if some outsider called my art ugly, I would feel hurt. But I know my art will never be for everyone. All I can do is keep working on it for myself. It makes me happy and it makes my spouse happy. So who else matters?

Then there are the insecurities you can fix. I hate my weight. So I exercise every day trying to bring it down. I wish my teeth looked white. So I invested in whitening products and I researched better teeth care routines. It's not because I don't love myself. It's because I DO love myself. I want to see myself improve and be the woman I know I can be.

And I feel all that gets missed when doing just daily affirmations.

What's another tip to overcome certain insecurities?

Believing in hope.

I have a bit of a theory as to why a lot more people are insecure these days. And it's that people lack hope. Hope is a powerful drug you give yourself. Quite a good drug, mind you. Hope keeps you going, even when you're on your worst days.

The world is a dark, dreary place. Everyone is born to die. We are but specks in an infinite universe. We are not even a blink of an eye to this planet. Nothing matters and we are all just trying to fight for survival while we are here.

Ah, the existential crisis. What a harsh way to live.

And what a great way to feed your insecurity.

So what creates hope? What gives you that spark to think "well, I may never be rich and famous, but I can at least get to that point where I'll be content."

You're going to hate the answer, but a lot of it comes from believing in something greater than yourself.

No, I'm not telling you to go to church on Sunday. No I'm not saying you need Jesus. But I am saying believing in something bigger than yourself can give you that hope. Hope that there are miracles in this world. Hope that you can get to the next day, no matter what happens. Hope that in all the negativity, you and your mind can find solutions to solve any hardship that comes your way.

Find something bigger than yourself to believe in. God, fate, the stars, destiny. Believe in the changes of the seasons. Believe in the positive effects from science itself. Believe in evolution and take heart that nothing ever stays stagnate. All of these things present hope. And when you believe in hope, you believe in positive change.

And when you believe in positive change, certain insecurities begin to go away.

I forgot another thing to mention that I'm not insecure about in the slightest. And that's my ability to chase my dreams. I'm not insecure at all about my drive and ambition. My desire to grow as a career author. My desire to be a mother one day. All because I have the undying hope that these dreams will be achieved.

As time goes on, I'm coming to terms with my insecurities. I will still always care what other people think. I want to be successful and that involves other people. And the lack of attention or feedback births more insecurities.

But overcoming insecurities takes time. It takes some personal growth. It takes a little bit of hope.

And a lot of love.