Broken Beauty

It never fails... there is always a message saying "you're so pretty/ sexy/ hot/etc. No one notices the pain behind the smile. The hurt that is etched in the eyes that appear so bright goes unspoken of. I am an influencer it's my job to promote, to make you think it's great... I am an actress with the job of making you believe the story. Very few bother to know that girl outside of the second captured in time... I'm not sure most could handle the story of her on their best days. I don't mean it from a sexual standpoint, I'm speaking of the mental trauma that being that girl on a day to day includes.

I hide a lot of things in those glimpses everyone assumes they know me from. What is portrayed is a woman who doesn't want to spend a day without her future husband, who loves her kids (and bonus kids) more than life itself. The image I portray is the woman with the strength of a super hero and the looks of a sweetheart. So what's behind the images so readily spread all over via multiple social media locations and accounts?

Those images hide a million tears, fears, and insecurities. They don't allow you to see the hurt that lives within me daily, the fights I have internally to not dwell in the pain, the addiction I struggle with, or the mental health issues that make it hard to function like a normal 32 year old female. There's a broken girl behind those shining eyes yet no one seems to pay attention to her, that's not a surprise really I've been the girl in the corner that no one notices for so long I've gotten used to it.

The smiles, filters, and flirty captions don't let you know that I have very few face to face friends. They don't reveal the tears I've cried into my pillow or against my fiance's chest over my choices and their outcomes or more often than not my demons from my past trying their hardest to hold me down when I want to push on. My photos don't tell you about the mental breakdowns and the suicide attempts. Simply put my images don't tell you about the things that no one talks about until it's too late.

I'm not writing this for your pity. I don't want the attention from writing these truths down. This is my therapy in a way but what this really is is my way of reaching out to someone else and letting them know they're not alone out there in this world. I have found that the truth doesn't always just set you free, I am prepared for the backlash that will come from this and the chapters that follow. I will deal with those outcomes later, I'm doing this because if at the end of the day one person reads this and it helps them in any way my soul can feel at rest.