Bootstraps Aren't Real

Like many others, I spent the past year in somewhat of a daze. I stopped working in mid-March and subsequently found myself lost in a sea of minimum wage job postings. I would scroll endlessly through every job board, searching for something to bring my bank account back up to at least double digits. It's been nearly a year and I still find myself spending my days in almost the exact same way I did when all this started. It really feels like I've logged "10,000 hours" into job searching, without actually becoming an expert at anything worthwhile. As you can imagine, putting all that effort in with no result can start to feel tedious, it seems that it may have also warped my own self-image.

When you grow up in the South, as I did, it's almost impossible to go through your whole childhood and not hear the phrase "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" at least once ... a week. As a result of this, I found it very difficult not to blame myself for the situation I find myself in, despite my very obvious lack of control over a global pandemic. Sure, I'm not the only one in my situation, but there has to be something I'm doing wrong that explains why I get rejection after rejection in the job market. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough, maybe I really do just need to pull myself up by the bootstraps, maybe then I'll find my way to financial security.

What I've learned through a year's worth of trial and error is that, my bootstraps are only so strong. I can't expect grit and determination alone to get me the things that I desire. I have to accept that not everything is in my control. That brings me to my point, a new years resolution of sorts, not just for myself, but for anyone that's found themselves in a pit of self-loathing recently. I want to finally let go of my notion of control. I've been so desperately reaching for a control that doesn't exist, and all it's done is bring me misery.

Now, how am I going to accomplish this insurmountable task? Not with the help of an incredibly expensive therapist, that's for sure. Well, I think I'll start by taking a lesson from my childhood religion, and incorporate the serenity prayer into my daily life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can, and

Wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not really a religious person anymore, but I think the message of this prayer can be applied to so many aspects of all our lives, and that's why I am going to try my very best to internalize it.

When considering how best to do this, my first thought was that of a corny self-help guru, "I'll just say it to myself in the mirror a whole bunch of times until I believe it". However, there's a problem with that, it's ridiculous. I've learned about positive self-talk from every therapist I had as a teenager, and what I concluded was, it is not for me. What I've decided on is a bit more surreptitious. My plan is to write the prayer on paper scraps until my hand gives out and then hide those scraps anywhere and everywhere. Maybe, I'll reach into the pocket of an old pair of pants and find a prayer there. Maybe I'll pull on some socks and find one there. Maybe I'll even bite into one stuck inside a piece of bread. I want this line of thinking to be present in every facet of my life, and if I can't conjure that thought myself, then I'll just have it force fed to me by a past version of myself.