Bell lets talk

Bell, let’s frickin talk

Mental illness is real.

I’ve battled everyday with depression and anxiety.

When you’re young, you go through so many different things, like getting your heart broken, friend break ups, family drama and everything in between. It can be so lovely, but also so overwhelming and things can creep up on you so quickly. When i was as young as 5 i was always told i was so shy, i would panic about a presentation in class for months before it happened, my heart always raced and i got so uncomfortable speaking to anyone, and I would constantly hide behind my parents, heck, i still do that sometimes. When i was 16 i realized that what I have is social anxiety, i started piecing everything together and told my shitty therapist at the time that i had it and she fully agreed.

Now, I’m not saying that your niece or nephew or child has anxiety because they’re quiet, I’m just saying that those were my signs and my experience.

Speaking of age 16, guess what else happened?

I was on the phone with my best friend, crying so hard because he had taken pills and all i could do was tell him i loved him over and over because i didn’t think anything could be done and i just wanted him to know how much he was loved instead of him taking his last breath alone. To my relief, he just took expired vitamins which just caused an upset stomach. The day after i was so angry with him that he would do that to me, and he said “I’m sorry i made you cry, but I’m not sorry I did it” which really made my eyes open to the horrifying, real world.

When I was 18, I rode with him in the ambulance to the hospital where he was getting more pills flushed out of him. When I first saw him high on the pills, i thought I was going to watch him die, because he didn’t know how to unlock the door for us to get in to his house to help. As scary as it was, I wouldn’t change anything, I stayed by his side in the hospital for as long as they let me, and i comforted him when he got scared which happened alot.

Fast forward to now. I’m 20, have an amazing job at an airline, have incredible coworkers and Anthony who has been my best friend for 8 years.

November 3 2018, I got news that nobody wants to hear. My best friend had taken his life earlier that day.

I’ve gone through tons of heartbreak and loneliness to last a lifetime. But nothing compares to getting that message.

Anthony was my hero. No matter how sad and depressed and suicidal he was, if i was the least bit upset, he would make sure that I was okay, because he knew how it felt to be so broken.

Being a Survivor of suicide loss is such a miserable life. When you lose someone to a terminal illness, or natural causes, its different from losing someone who chose to die. You go through all the stages of grief so powerfully, with so much anger with each stage, it circles back and forth to each stage multiple times. The depression is so real and so scary, constantly I’m in a state where if I talk to someone in a friendly way, I feel like I’m betraying him and “moving on”. I constantly think of what I could have done to help him, and how I didn’t know he was this bad. It feels like I’ve failed as his best friend. I often go to bed reliving that day over and over again to the point where its hard to breathe, or I wake up crying because he’s gone.

At the age of 20, when I should have been planning my best friends wedding in a few years, instead, I planned his funeral.

I have been trying to get through this as best as possible, and even though every day I wish i could join him, I think of what he wanted. He wants us to live his life, he wants us to create more memories and help so many more people who are just like him.

So please. If you are struggling, or you know someone who is, it doesn’t matter if you barely talk, HELP THEM, help yourself, do what you need to do to stay here with us

I’ve made it my mission in life to help more people, to try and make a difference so no one else has to go through what I have.

If you’re having trouble finding a therapist, please text 686868 with CONNECT to start talking immediately with a trained professional (they really are great)

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