Being the good one

I have always aspired to be The Good One. Since when I was little. I still vividly remember the day when my mother kissed me and hugged me for the very last time and told me with a proud tone in her voice I would have never hear again I have been ‘Good’.I still remember up to this day how happy that made me feel, what an incredible and sweet energy embraced me that afternoon. I guess losing that sort of acceptance and recognition from my mum’s side not long after made me an angry,isolated,teenager and the insecure and clingy adult that I happen to have become now. I now more than ever strive for people’s approval and support. I just realised it at 32 yearsold. During the past 7 years I moved out of parents house, move country and attempted to be on my own two feet. I sometimes failed and collapsed but here I am. And just at this stage I have only realised how incredibly stupid and vulnerable I must appear to the eye of others who know me.First I thought only through studying hard and showing outstanding results in college and at Uni I could receive love and appreciation, than it was the job or career path that eventually no members of my family ever truly approved. And than it was the love quest, that insufferable mystic desire of finding the one who could complete me, cherish me, protect me. Instead I ended up ‘playing’ the part of the protector in all my recent relationships that inevitably ended up with me getting exhausted and running away with a broken heart.I embarked in a few relationships that emotionally destroyed me and dismantled me from within without realising I totally lost myself in the attempt to play the same old character.Why is that ? I have asked myself multiple times. Why nobody can see how many efforts I am putting to show them how much I love and adore them? And why all the people I happen to know who have the same features as me are struggling exactly the same? It seems to me that there are two very distinct types of people in this world: the vigorous fuckers, and the ones who get fucked. Also paraphrasing winners/ losers. I always see myself like the latter but what if I am indeed truly a winner? I think I had an epiphany the other day when a girlfriend told me ‘think about how miserable you could be know if you were still with him’. And suddenly I felt sorry for that person but not for myself actually I felt smart and considerate for once in my life. What I mean by this is that there should always be a way for us to see a positive side of things, people, situations. For the first time in my life I do not want to think at myself like a loser but like a truly loving and caring person that deserves and will find happiness and love.Failing at something in life does not mean you are failing in life entirely. At 32 I have started to accept myself as I am, maybe insecure, clingy, dreamy but still hopeful.