Be The Villain. It's The Most Compassionate Thing You'll Ever Do For Yourself.

"Dang…you are mean." 

These words were spoke to me recently. On the outside I kept a straight face, but on the inside, I smiled like a mischievous witch. 

These are words I used to dread hearing. Words that used to have me balled into a fetal position on my bed, questioning my worth and ethical value in this world. Now, these are words I embrace whole heartedly and with a devilish smile.

I'm sure many people can relate to having strict parents or a strict community growing up. 

Regardless of the things I could or couldn't do, and whether my parents and community were doing things in my best interest or not, emotionally, I always felt like I was walking a fine line between being true to myself and making them upset with my actions, beliefs or thoughts.

It was so bad that it's followed me into adulthood, and one of the main struggles of my young adult life has been to stop being a people pleaser, stop sugar coating my words to not hurt other people's feelings or make them feel uncomfortable, and to actually stand up for myself. 

Well TRICKS…I HAVE TRANSFORMED INTO A NEW WOMAN.

Being nice isn't worth much

Growing up, my classmates, peers, and even my teachers have always referred to me as nice. I coveted this word. Shrouded myself in it. So much so that I subconsciously aligned it with meaning being kind, or moral, or ethical.

I hate to break it to my teen/young adult self, but the definition of nice isn't to be morally correct, but to be pleasant and agreeable. All my life growing up, I always thought to be nice was to be "good". And in a lot of ways, I was considered "good" in the eyes of others, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

But the problem was, that the idea of "good" changed from person to person according to what they believed was good to them. And depending on who I was around, so did I change from person to person out of some weird sense of thinking that if I just adapted and was good in their eyes, I was… "safe?", "acceptable in the eyes of society?" 

None of my behavior came from some solid unshakable moral point in myself that I derived my actions from. It came from a sense of believing that everyone in the world instinctually knew what "good" was…except for me. 

As a result, I found myself constantly over extending myself. Trying to read people's facial expressions or subtle social cues to pre-determine if they were happy with me or not or if they were uncomfortable. And then trying to fix it without them even verbally voicing that there's an issue to begin with. 

I would forcefully create mental and emotional room within myself and my life to be available for other people's use, while I ignored my own emotional and mental well-being and energy levels. All because I believed it was "the good thing to do" and more "acceptable" to carry other peoples emotions for them.

Let's just say it was a shit show for years.

I spent so much time trying to be "good" to other people that I was doing myself a complete disservice. Letting them drain my energy and setting aside my emotional well being while at the same time believing that if I expressed any of my problems then I'd be an emotional burden to others. Constantly forcing myself to create space to have the capacity to hold and fix emotions that aren't my responsibility to hold or fix. 

And once I started standing my ground, I was considered…"mean".

 For once, I started telling people, no, I don't have space for you. And the space that you do see me flaunting is for me and me alone. 

No, I don't think anything you're saying is funny and you are annoying me. I'm not going to keep wasting my energy giving you pity laughs to make you feel better about yourself and your wack personality. 

No I'm not going to tiptoe around you and over watch what I say. I understand you have problems and past experiences and things you're going through in your life, and I have compassion for you. I really do. But I have my own problems and past experiences and I can express them how I please.

Setting boundaries is the key to a happy life

The only thing you have in this life is you. 

You were given autonomy and agency over your body and your living experience and it's up to you to make it the best lived experience you possibly can, however that may look for you. 

And you have to understand that there are going to be people along the way going through their own lived experiences that aren't pleasant, and a lot of times that has to do with them, what they believe and the choices they decided to make in their own lives, whether good or bad. 

They will try to latch on to you and regurgitate all of their emotional baggage onto you. They will try to staple their fears and shortcomings onto you and try to make you believe that because they aren't capable or they feel like they don't have what it takes, then that means that you don't either. 

They will one day be in emotional turmoil, asking you for help, and the next day, they're over identifying with their shortcomings and grounding their heels into them as an excuse to not change themselves or their experience. They just want you to go through the turmoil with them.

But I'm here to tell you that although it is nice, and sometimes kind, to lend a hand, or an ear, or emotional support, it is not your RESPONSIBILITY to do so. 

And a lot of times, because the world we live in has people that can take you setting boundaries as a slight to them, they will view you safeguarding your space as an attack on them. They will view you setting boundaries as a move of passive aggression or a declaration of war on ya'll relationship. And I'm here to tell you one thing and one thing only. 

HOIST THE CANONS! LOAD THE GUNS AND LET THE WAR BEGIN!

Guard yourself, protect your peace, your hopes and your dreams. (Especially the baby one's that still need nurturing before being shared with others)

Other people have other standards of living based off of their upbringing, their beliefs and values, and what has been culturally acceptable in their communities. And yes, many times those standards will be different than yours. 

That doesn't mean you are morally or ethically incorrect (although many people's behavior I have personally found questionable and disgusting)

 That just means you're and individual with a different lived experience. 

Build your own moral code and well of foundational beliefs that guide your behavior

Move through life with integrity. Build yourself up and discover how you want to live in the world. Become the person that you love, that you would die for and defend whole heartedly.

Embrace passions and morals and principles that make you a desirable person to yourself and attracts other grounded, principled and loving people into your life. 

While you're doing all of that, don't forget that your actions will be misconstrued by somebody, somewhere, somehow. But don't let that knock you off your square. If you know in your heart of hearts that you've done everything in your power within reason to operate in a graceful way and others are still wanting more, demanding more, or taking your actions as a slight, it's time to embrace being the villain in other people's stories.

 Someone's gotta be it. Be honored that your presence is so impactful that you made the cut.

If you enjoyed this article, like and subscribe! What do you think about the concept of being the evil villain? You think you'd give it a go? Let me know in the comments!