"&"

You watched me fall and cry over and over again. I have face planted in front of you more times than I can count, trying to figure out how to maneuver through life. Only the lord knows how embarrassed I was when this happened and had to listen to me gripe and complain about how to face you repeatedly every day. Year after year you watched me. You watched as I hid and ran away too afraid to speak up and protect myself, too afraid to stand up for what was right, and too afraid to move forward from the stagnant position I had put myself in. Every year that you watched, as I made a mess of things, you came up with a plan. A plan to light a fire under my butt and move me forward. It was as if God himself told you I had issues and needed someone to hold my hand and pull me out of the dark pit that I had dug for myself. Like a sniper of the night, you executed it flawlessly. So let me tell you how things happened from my point of view.

On that fated first year of becoming conscious of each other’s existence, I was at a low but hadn’t quite hit rock bottom. You were married with two beautiful children and could care less of who or what everyone else had going on as long as your family was safe and well provided for.

I had just started working at the same company as you and my father with my best friend at the time and we all became friends. That year, my best friend turned her back on me and I found myself in the longest abusive relationship I had ever been in.

The thing about abuse is that from the inside looking out you can’t tell that what is happening is wrong. You feel like no matter what happens it somehow becomes your fault, and you lose your since of judgement of what is right and wrong. I found myself making excuses about certain things like a broken record. I let my hurt be covered with flowers and sweet nothings and told tall tales of how sweet he was to me even though I had done something that upset him.

As time passed you watched and observed till year two came and you had enough of it. You found me in one of our units crying. You stood there and waited for me to calm down and then asked the classic question “What happened?”

My Soap Orpah began and as quickly ask I started I was interrupted with a question that took me for a loop “And?”

This “and” was not like other ands. Like someone fishing for more information. It was an “and so what are you just going to keep letting it happen?” It was a “I don’t want to hear more of it cause your making excuses and not doing anything to stop it. You are the problem right now…”

I was completely mortified. In my mind I was like who are you but a man to tell me I am the problem when clearly it was my boyfriends’ fault. And what did he mean “I keep letting it happen?”

That was all he said to me for months. I pondered why but came up empty every time. Then I realized I was still in the same situation and even though he had made it clear to me the day he said it I had only just realized I really was in the wrong.

It took me about two to three weeks after that to confront my boyfriend about the way I was being treated. I prayed that by doing this I wouldn’t be setting myself up for the worst but by the grace of God, it was like a night and day change in him. There was no more physical violence. I

I let a few more weeks pass by to make sure the change wasn’t just temporary and then I went to my work friend and told him that I finally stood up for myself and the violence had stopped. He looked at me sideways and yet again said “And?”. This time there was no words after that.

With a few weeks left in the year, my friends’ conversations with me were all just fluff. He asked how’s the family and I asked the same. The weather and news were the specialty topics of the majority that ended in have a good day. I still came to him with my problems though occasionally, as what was once physical had now turned mental and emotional as the New Year came in. Me being me hardly noticed but my friend did...

Year three came rolling in like a bat out of hell. My boyfriend had started living with me and our problems kept coming. This time though I decided not to complain. I went to my friend and asked for help. This time I said “and”, but it wasn’t to be condescending, it was for actual information. For my friend, it was like I finally figured out the cheat code to the game I was playing and entered a new level or awareness. He was excited to share all of his knowledge and guide me to the light as he would say as he laughed with the biggest smile on his face.

He sat me down week after week to have long chats with me about everything that was going on. He had only known me for 2 years and some change going on three, but he had known my boyfriend for longer.

Even though he knew him he didn’t know that my boyfriend was capable of half of the things I had told him and so he said that I needed to end things before I ended up in a horrible situation that not even God could bring me out of. I was thrown back because even as I gained confidence a lot of confidence, I was raised to rely on the man that you want to protect you. My friend stopped me right there to pose another question… “And?” “Will you let yourself be pulled into all forms of horrible things just because you don’t know how to fend for yourself? My girl you need to learn. Noone wants to see you hurt. You are too smart and sweet to continue down this road. Go back to school if you don’t think you have the right amount of education to move forward. Go to your father and ask him to be there when you cut ties with your boyfriend. Call me if you need me there as well because you are special to us all. You are a gift from God that should not be taken early in life. And I full heartedly believe what I am saying to be true.”

That was the first time in years someone had ever seen me that way. Saw me as something special. Someone saw me. Saw me with all my flaw and still said that I was God’s gift.

I ended it. By myself, after a couple of last minute tries to make my failed relationship work, I ended it with no regrets. Things turned violent again at the end and I got hurt badly but with that said I am alive today.

I don’t know if you will remember all of what I said to be true, but every word that you have said and action that you had taken to get me up and moving has led me back to college and starting my own business. It has led me to having more faith and trust in myself and in God. You have opened my eyes to a lot and with that my group of friends has gotten smaller and I have surrounded myself with people that only want the best for each other and would like to motivate each other and keep each other safe. What was once a tour bus is now a Ford Explore Limited Edition traveling to better things with better people.

You may not have helped the community, but you have helped me in more ways than I can count. So, thank you my friend for being my mentor, guardian, and an unparalleled confidant for what is now going on 4 years. In my own way, I will look out for you and your family as you have looked out for me and my wellbeing. I hope I can return God’s gift from you back to you ten-fold in the years to come.

If you or someone you know may be or are going through any type of abuse, please reach out to the Nation Domestic Violence Hotline. It is available 24/7 and it has people who speaks over 200 different languages available to help you.

Domestic Violence Support | The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)

800-799-7233