Already Exhausted

I blinked -.- and 2021 has passed. I wore many faces this year; full time mother, full time student, full time manager, devoted wife, loving sister, friend. So many faces I think I actually lost my own somewhere in the mix. One thing is certain, rest was never a priority in my year.

I started my journey to obtain my Bachelor’s of Elementary Education in February. In March I welcomed my daughter, Eevee, into the family. I had three children under the age of four depending on me and a mentor holding me accountable for school. In June I returned full time to the workforce. Housework, school work, career training they expected me to accomplish at home, and my three beautiful children. It isn’t a wonder why I began to feel overwhelmed.

I didn’t see the signs until it was too late. I should have known when I was letting the dishes pile up, the laundry baskets overflow and spill over. I should have known when I let a month pass without touching my schoolwork. When 2 more months passed without submitting a thing, but stressing all day about the work that was piling up all around me. I should have seen the color and the joy slowly draining from my life and leaving me gray. Worst of all, I should have seen my patience with my children dwindling away. The snaps followed by the guilt. I should have known my mental health was suffering before it got this far.

I see the signs now.

This world is so fast paced, so momentous. There are many sayings, “It’s their world, we’re just living in it,” or “We’re all the star of our own movie.” There seems to always be a negative connotation carried when these things are said, but the fact is they are true and I don’t think that is a bad thing. We only have our life to live. There will always be people pulling you in every direction, asking more and more of you; you do a favor once and suddenly it is always expected of you. The past year has shown me that boundaries are so important. Other people don’t know you, your responsibilities, your stress, your body. Other people don’t care about those things. They will take advantage if you allow it. You will stretch yourself too thin, stretch and stretch until you begin to tear and things fall through the gashes. Set boundaries. Know what matters the most to you and always make the decisions that lift you up, enforce your convictions, and keep you whole.

I have begun to take the steps forward, to climb from the hole I have dug, searching for the light I lost, bringing back one color at a time to restore myself. I can’t take care of others without first taking care of myself. “Put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others.” There is so much more embedded in those airplane safety guidelines. Like me, rest also wears many faces. While I may not get any more sleep this year than the year before, I can utilize my time better, take care of myself, and have faith in my convictions. I can’t be everything, to everyone, all of the time, but I can be me and that is more than enough.

So in the year 2022, I am making a promise to myself to prioritize self-care. I want to exercise just a little more. I want to meditate just once a week. I want to play with my kids more. I will set boundaries that align with my values and not what others want from me. I will pursue my greatest dreams. I will love freely and I will choose kindness because nothing is more exhausting than a grey cloud hanging over your head.