Against Myself

I could say things that sound really nice… About who I looked up to and why they inspired me… But most times I would find myself comparing who I am and how I saw others. I thought that I was missing something - that extra flare or skill, I felt that I couldn’t live up to the expectations of others around me… And so I didn’t really have women that I looked to that would inspire me to push beyond myself.

Enter my shadow sides.

For a really long time, I hated the voices that my shadows would embody. They were not my friends. They were not my family members. They were different tones and timbres of my own voice. They were past traumas and learned mistakes that I turned into just summaries of what I understood myself to be. They were moments of my deepest darkest times of my soul. It’s why I didn’t like silence, and also why I still sometimes don’t like silence.

No one can kill your dreams as much as your own voice. The truth is, whatever we think becomes who we are. Most times we inundate ourselves with unrealistic perceptions of what we think we should be doing or how we are living life that we never allow ourselves the chance to evaluate our actual quality of life. As we ignore the true reality, our mental playground sets us up to prepare for personality breakdowns and obsessive self evaluation. It’s in those moments when I most feel like a hamster on the wheel. It never ends.

You don’t have to be depressed to have dark or self hating thoughts - I have been depressed before but the cycle of thinking I lived in was not shrouded in total despair. It showed up whenever I had the urge to do something ‘big’ for myself; like in changing my eating habits, working out, starting my business. I thought I had to kill my ego in order for the new me to become visible. But, the truth is I’ve had to learn how to do battle with myself. Ignoring my thoughts doesn't do anything but help them grow. I told myself often, “Today is a perfect day to start. You have to forget the past, it’s not who you are. Get over it and get going.” Over time, my words become more loving, more forgiving. I was not who I was yesterday, yes, but I am who I am because of yesterday’s moments.

And so I spent time sparring with yesterday’s Namarah, sparring with my shadows, sparring with my anxieties in order to build stronger muscles and a stronger tongue. I stopped looking at the timelines on Facebook and Instagram, they only triggered more ammunition for my mind to remind me of my old battles. Now, I look forward to what I can do. I look forward to those moments when my other sides come to test my resolve and question my limitations. Some days are harder than others - but the truth is that’s a part of the process.

As women, I think we can all relate to that inner voice that tries to keep us from moving forward in life. It starts talking at a pretty young age and then we live with that voice for so long, we assume that we can’t talk back. Open your mouth I mean speak out loud. Say the opposite of what you hear inside. Battle with yourself and the thoughts of yesterdays and years. I’m sure of this, because I’ve seen it in myself, you’ll start to see yourself and what’s possible differently.