A Dragon & A Girl

PART 1

I tell myself this will be short & simple, but I am only ever one of those things. Nothing I say, think or feel is ever simple. It’s all or nothing with me, which is maybe a fault of mine, but it is who I am anyway. I could say it’s wrong, but I’m not convinced that’s right.

No matter. That’s not what I am here to say. What I want to say is this:

I see you. I see what you did. For me, for yourself. And I understand it.

You didn’t give me what I wanted, but you did give me something I needed. Something I could never give myself. And you have given yourself something too.

Upon meeting, one of the first things you said to me was that you strive to be a “good person”. That, at the end of the day, you just want to help people. All people. People like me. Not that you knew that yet. Maybe you still don’t know.

You gave me this safety that I have never felt before. It was something so new, and before I could blink, I was addicted. To your touch, your taste, your voice, your words. I wanted all of you. Every second of the day, I craved your next message. Our next moment together. It was all passion and connection. This energy, like our two souls had searched everywhere for each other for so long, and finally, they found each other inside of us.

Everything was you.

All you had to do was stand there, and you slayed my dragon. This dragon who had reigned victoriously over me for 11 years. And you walked into the room, and you slayed it. You just looked, and it died. But something else died too. Someone.

More than a dragon. But a piece of your heart. We couldn’t see it coming, and there was no fault or blame. The universe is a cruel place. Timing is never up to us, because we would ask for too much.

When our time was up, I was harsh. I was hurt. I didn’t want it to make sense, I just wanted to turn it back. To find you. Hold you. Keep you. Love you.

I’d never keep another dragon with you by my side. But without you? What if they come back? What if I go looking, because a Dragons breath is warmer than an empty bed? I am selfish in wanting you. You saved me so effortlessly, like a hero. A knight in shining armor.

You rode away from me now. You can’t be my knight anymore. You have to fight for yourself now, but I want you here. Because it felt good to not have to fight. You fought for me and carried me out.

I don’t know how to live here. It’s cold, and I’m lonely. And I miss you.

The dragon calls, but I just keep waiting. Maybe you’ll come back. Maybe you’ll hear the dragon, my dragon, and you’ll stay with me. Stay.

You can’t.

You’ve given me the weapon. The word. I can keep the dragon away without you.

I just don’t want to.

Come back.

I would keep you. I won’t run. I won’t fight.

Come back to me.

Come.

Stay.

PART 2

I know what I need to do, but I'm not brave enough to do it.

The Dragon, my Dragon, is dead now, but I can't leave him. He just lays there in a corner, feeling nothing, while I can still feel so much of it. I look, because it is so big and takes up so much room. It is hard to turn away and never look back. I could bury the Dragon, or maybe throw it into some rapid waters. Let the world do its part, and take care of the rest, but instead, I keep it. No longer talking to or controlling me, but it stays as a reminder.

I know I don't need to keep remembering, I know I need to let the fuck go, but I can't. I'm scared. He carries my soul with him, and if I let go, my soul goes too. Is that a price I am truly willing to pay? Can I get my soul back without keeping my Dragon?

The girl was young, fearless, carefree, a free spirit who wore nothing but a smile. She is someone I barely know anymore, because she is not mine anymore. She lives within the Dragon, because he stole her. He took her captive and let her die. He won't give up her soul to anyone, so she can never come back to life. I only have her memories, and they die with him. So how am I supposed to let that goddamn Dragon go?

You give me back my soul, you give me back my life. Then, I swear to let go.

PART 3

Its time. I can't keep waiting, I won't keep remembering. Everything I can be is held back by everything that I was. I have to get rid of the dragon, but it is too big. I will have to get messy, I will have to make smaller pieces to take down one by one.

I start with a foot, followed by another. They make it so I can't keep running away, and when I get rid of them, I know that I can stay.

Next are the arms. Like the ones that used to hold me back and say they would never let me go. Away they go, and I feel a release. I can reach further now.

I'm more confident now, and with each piece of this dragon that I return to the flames of hell from which it came, I am stronger. I am fiercer.

I chop off the head of my dragon, and with that one swing, I find my mind again. I can think for myself, without their voices. Its only mine again.

Now, it is time for me to slice open the belly. It is time for me to set the girl I used to be free, to retrieve my soul and be whole once again. I take my sword, with my mind, my strength and my confidence, and I slice it open.

Butterflies. They fly out of the dragon, and into the world. They fly so high and fast into a light they have never seen before, because they only knew darkness. They have never seen freedom or just how big the sky can be. Sure, they flew inside the dragon, and the dragon went wherever it wanted, but they were trapped inside, never really getting to see that beauty.

But, the girl isn't there. That is when I understand. The dragon was never him. He was only one piece. All of the events, all of the people, they built the dragon, and the dragon is me. A different me. The me who had been hurt, depressed, alone....

That one day, when life was almost done, and I survived anyway, this dragon was who walked out next to me.

I reach for the heart and it is once again mine. I say goodbye, and the last large piece of this dragon is gone. All I ever needed was my heart back, and now I do.

I'm free.