God, Are You There?

God, are you there?

...immediately He talked with (me) them and said to (me) them, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.” (Mark 6:50)

But, I am scared... I am scared and I can't be. I get shrugged off and people don't take my concerns seriously. I remember an awful lot - maybe too much... and here recently all of the things that I thought that I knew seem to be falling apart... and I don't know what to do about it.

He says (said), “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalms 46:10)

I know that You will be exalted... that isn't my issue and concern here. I know that You have everything planned out while also giving us free choice and though I don't understand it, I believe You are in charge...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)

I know... and I am trying to, but I am so scared and so sad right now. My emotions are intense storms and so many people seem terrified by them that I can't let them see which means I can't allow myself to feel... I only have a couple of people who I trust/ed/ enough to let them in right now and most of them are... busy... and that's ok, that is life. And everyone else? They either can't handle the depth of my storms or they left... why did they leave me??? I miss them!

.....But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. (Ecclesiastes 4:10)

I know that I am not alone - and I am grateful for that - but I also don't want to tire my friendships out by leaning too much on them. I want others to help and do their jobs. *cries*

.....And look! The tears of the oppressed, But they have no comforter—On the side of their oppressors there is power, But they have no comforter. (Ecclesiastes 4:1)

Why do I want them to have comfort too God? I don't want anyone to feel this alone and have the depth of agony I feel tonight... maybe You should go be with them and I will be... I will be... I will be okay.

The quiet voice whispered from the pages: Yet, better than both is he who has never existed, Who has not seen the evil work that is done under the sun. (Ecclesiates 4:3)

I know... I know... and I am not afraid for those ones... not any more at least. I am worried about the other ones.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

I'm trying to be strong and courageous... I'm just scared. I am scared of accidentally saying the wrong thing and being in trouble, I am scared of admitting that I am terrified and being in trouble, I am scared of not saying or doing enough and being in trouble...

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

Ok... I will let You handle it. You are here with me. Will You make sure that they are all judged fairly?

So then each of us shall give account of himself to God. (Romans 14:12)

I'm glad... and scared - not for me, but for some others that I love... why is there so much fear?

Remember the prisoners as if chained with them—those who are mistreated—since you yourselves are in the body also. (Hebrews 13:3)

Are You saying that some of this intensity is not mine to carry necessarily? That it is just my body remembering and sharing in other's emotions?

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. (2 Timothy 1:6)

Oh, yes, I remember, let the energy flow and don't try to control it. Please help me remember who I am - without allowing me to become a doormat again.

Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. (Romans 14:22)

But what if I am wrong about Your will? Will You stop me?

The Lord is merciful and gracious, Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. (Psalms 103:8)

Thank you God. I think that I can sleep tonight... I love you! Please continue to protect and provide for us.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)

Thank you Jehovah! Good night.

I think I heard Him whisper good night back to me...