Candida is Kicking All of Our Asses

My armpits are flaring red, my stomach is bloated like a balloon, and I am filled to the brim with YEAST. Just shove me in an oven and watch me rise like the motherfuckin’ loaf of bread I am.

CANDIDA is a bitch.

It’s also a fungus. Basically, we all have it. It can show up as thrush, vaginal yeast infections, skin infections, and more! How lovely.

And it’s a lot more common than you think.

Usually, we’re fine if we have a decent amount of good bacteria in our bodies. (Ha. Who even does nowadays!?). But it can easily flare, especially if you ain’t treatin’ your body like a temple. Also, healthy eating is expensive.

So, whose fault is candida overgrowth? The system! Why? Because living is so expensive while big company CEOs and politicians thrive off of our sicknesses!

And if we go to the doctor? Pills. Pills. And antibiotics to kill everything! Including our good bacteria!

Treasure that good bacteria. Tend to that good gut flora. Fertilize it with the healthy shit. Otherwise, the fungus infection will get ya!

Anyways.

I’ve always had a… complicated relationship with gluten. And lots of other things. I’m an “Allergy Russian Roulette”. Seriously. I’m allergic to the weirdest shit ever. For example: sunscreen, silly putty, horses (there’s a theory with this one), protein bars, papaya, chlorine, and cheap school acrylic paint. The last one is a new one. But don’t fret, I’ll probably get a new allergy soon.

I have a bunch of sensitivities too. But you know what? Does that stop the lactose intolerant person from eating pizza? Fuck no! Should it? Fuck yes! Viva intestinal gas!

But let’s go back to the Candida overgrowth situation because that’s why we’re really here (and to bitch at the government for food prices and systemic oppression).

Basically, I’ve been eating too much yeast. And I had to take 3 rounds of birth control for some lovely menstrual issues where I bled for 2 weeks. Was a blast. But sometimes (most times) birth control pills have side effects, and that coupled with all my lovely body yeast, and my eating habits basically resulted in an overgrowth of said yeast. I had a bit of a vaginal yeast infection, which was solved with a topical cream, but then I got a skin yeast infection in my left armpit.

And it smelled. Thankfully it didn’t itch! But it just… wasn’t a pretty sight. Okay, so, I tried to solve it myself but wasn’t doing the most diligent job, so we went to the doctor, he gave me a cream. I put said cream for the allotted time I was told, and it made the rashy looking stuff go away. But my pit still stunk! No matter how often I washed my pits, with gentle natural soap, it would start to stink like two hours later. And only my left one! My right one was perfectly fine! It didn’t help that I couldn’t put deodorant on my rashy pit either. But I was producing this smell cause my hormones were whack and my yeast was abundant.

Alright, so, the cream mostly solved the problem. Fast forward a week after I finished the 7-day cream treatment. It came back, not as bad but it was creepin’. It was hard to get to the doc, so I just put the cream on and it mostly kept it at bay, but not the smell. The fucking smell!! I’m a ripe onion!

Anyways, about 3–4 days ago, I noticed a lil’ redness in my right pit. And then that same day I sweat a lot, and my shirt fabric was rubbin’ and abracadabra! I irritated the fuck outta my pit and woke up with a beautiful full-blown armpit rash. Yay! More yeast! #fuckme

So, now I’ve been putting that same cream on the other pit, and 3 days in it’s finally starting to help, and it doesn’t look so damn angry. The left pit still stinks easily. It’s not my fault that I sweat, and armpit creases are hard to keep open!

Anyhow, so back to the Candida and how we all need to eat better. I’ve looked moderately to spicy level into all this candida and what an anti-candida diet looks like. And gosh it’s so much work! But it’s so good for you because it’s basically a no-sugar no-carb situation. It’s almost like a keto meal plan, but no dairy either. I think that’s about the gist of it. And I need to do it. Because my left pit is smelly as fuck and my right looks like a fuckin’ nightmare. At least you can hide pit rashes! Imagine having Candida on your fucking eyelids! (and yes, people do)

So here we are. All yeasty and shit. Hopefully writing about this more might help my stay responsible (a bit), and others might be like “oh shit me too!”. I want to share some dope ass recipes too, because the Candida meal plans that I’ve seen online are so bland and boring looking. Spices can change your world. They should! They’re damn fucking good for you. But I’ll hopefully write more about that later. And about this fucking mess of a journey to hopefully not turning into a full-blown loaf of bread.

Good luck to us all.

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*This piece was originally written on my medium profile under my pseudonym Poet in the Arctic*