After Scoliosis

When I had found out that I was gonna have surgery I didn't want to believe it. I always told myself that I wouldn't have it done. In truth, I was terrified that I was gonna die during surgery. I had watched so many movies and shows about people going in for surgery and not coming out of the hospital alive. I wasn't ready to die.

I wanted to achieve my dream of becoming a famous author and a model before dying for many reasons. None of those reasons is me dying and having all those dreams turned into nothing.

The day before my surgery was stressful. It was my nephew's birthday. I wanted to spend that one day of not being around children, I wanted to spend my last day with what I wanted. I really did think it was gonna be my last day of life. I made jokes about me dying all month, it upset my mom, my family, my friends. They didn't know that I was just trying to brighten my last moments on earth to the happiest, that was my dark humor.

When my mom, stepdad, and I arrived at the hospital the next morning, like really, really early, I didn't have any fear or anxiety, I just felt...calm. I didn't understand why at first. I think it was because of me being really tired from having to wake up so early but it wasn't. When I got in that large bathroom to change into the uncomfortable hospital gown I found out why. I was accepting the fact that I might die in that room. I accepted it because there was nothing else for me to do.

After getting set up and prepped for surgery I wanted so badly to cry. I wanted to tell my mom I wasn't ready, I wanna go home. I wanna accept being in pain for the rest of my life. I didn't say anything though. I took out my phone and went to Instagram, the one place that I felt like I could speak my mind and no one would judge me.

When the anesthesiologist gave me the anesthesia, I felt nothing like myself. I had one more happy moment, a moment of laughter. I couldn't feel my thumbs. I started crying because I thought it was funny but I felt like that was a sign from God that I was gonna die soon. Dying was the only thing on my mind because of this surgery. I really believed that I was gonna die. What really made this moment make me think that it was over for me was when I don't remember going to sleep. I don't remember closing my eyes, I don't remember getting sleepy, anything.

I do remember waking up in the same room that I was in. I thought that I had taken a nap and they hadn't started but they did. I survived my dangerous back surgery.

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The first day was tiring, I wasn't allowed out of bed, not even to pee. They had a catheter in me. I hate those things, but once you don't feel them anymore they don't bother you. As long as you don't move the bottom part of your body then they won't bother you. It's not like I could move anyways, I couldn't sit up, just laying flat on my back like a plank of wood. My room was amazing though. I had a huge flat screen TV, I had a wonderful view, the lights in my room could change to any color in the rainbow, my mom never left my side, but that's not part of the room.

The first thing that I asked for was for my phone, I know funny. I had immediately took a photo of myself and posted it. I was so ready to hand over my account to my best friend in case I had died. I actually wrote down a list of items and social media accounts that we're gonna go to my friends and family in case I died. That list was thrown away when I got home weeks later.

The next day when I had my catheter taken out is when life started going sort of normal for me. My surgeon had taken the giant surgery band-aid off my back to check on my back. Here's a tip when you have back surgery like mine, make sure to ask what your surgeon is doing to you before he just tells you to turn on your side. He didn't even give me a warning, he just ripped it off. Like when you have a small band-aid on your wrist or leg, yeah rip that off and it hurts like hell, think of one the size of your waist but from the back of your neck to your asscrack being ripped off.

I was able to get out of bed a couple of hours later though, to finally go pee. After my surgery, I was really constipated. They had given me pills to make me go but none of it worked. That's okay, I was in pain in my stomach but I had Wi-Fi so I was fine, or so I thought. Finding out all the things that I was never allowed to do was heartbreaking. I wasn't allowed to drive for about six months, I wasn't allowed to ride roller coasters again, tons of more of the things that I would have loved to do was limited or completely taken away from me.

The next day I was able to go poo, my stepdad had bought me McDonald's. After eating that I was able to go again. It felt amazing to not have so much pain in my stomach anymore, but what I was not liking was getting used to walking now. I had this woman that would come every now and then and we would practice walking for a short amount of time till my back was hurting too much that I wanted to cry. I didn't though because if I did my mom would have made her stop and then I wouldn't be doing much besides being a couch potato. I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

By my third day, I didn't feel as cheery, I had finally experienced being alone. I had taken a nap and my mom put my phone on the nightstand, the farthest from me. I had turned on my side and I couldn't reach it. So I called my mom thinking she was probably in the bathroom until I knew she wasn't because I never got a response out of the many times that I had called her. So I did the next best thing, press the call button on the remote and ask for someone to come in and help me. A man answered and didn't help me. He said he would be right there but he never came. So I stared at the ceiling thinking that this is my life now, I will have to have someone help me get things for the rest of my life now, I will be immobile and I will become a burden for everyone. My mom would put me in one of those disabled children's homes.

I never told my mom this, no one knows but me. I have kept all my depressing thoughts to myself because I didn't know how to tell anyone. I didn't want them to feel sad for me and hug me and say its okay when it's not. They don't know how it is. They don't know what its like to want something and ask for it because you yourself can't get it. Then have to be alone and have that devil on your shoulder laughing at you telling you that you will be a burden for the rest of your life. I didn't want to be like the girl in Annabelle: Creation, I didn't want to be in a wheelchair and be running (wheeling) away from something even though it's faster than you.

The rest of my couple of days in the hospital were pretty short. I would have to get out of bed walk for a bit to get used to walking again, sit up in a chair which was hell for me. I felt like I was sitting on a cushion but my back was against a brick wall. The chair was comfy, but my back was not. It went like that until I finally got used to it. When we left, I had one last meal sitting up in a chair. I didn't eat it much because hospital food is never perfect. I also had to take like five pills but I didn't want to. So I hid them under the plate. A wrong or right thing to do, I don't know; I had no clue there was a camera watching my every move. I thought it was a thermostat. A round black shiny thermostat. You know how I found out that's when this lady's voice came out of nowhere and said to show my wristband to the camera. Mom and I were like where is the camera? Found it when she said it was on the wall next to the TV, I felt like, "Oh my god, they saw me not take my pills."

Going home though was tough because I wasn't allowed to bend, so think of how hard it was to get in the car. We did it though, two hours of Chris, my stepdad, driving at a fast but slow pace. Then when we got home, we had the same problem, but this time I had to get out of the car. I was so happy to be home though, I was in my bed immediately.

My sister came over the next day to help mom with me, I wasn't able to get out of bed by myself. I wasn't able to shower myself. I wasn't able to do most things myself. I was able to be alone in my room, not alone anywhere else in the house other than the bathroom.

It was an eventful three or four days that my sister was there. I had my first shower since my surgery. I wasn't allowed to get my back wet so my mom and sister took a trash bag and put a hole in the top for my head to come out, then they got the tape and wrapped it around my neck so no water slipped in and down my back. It was probably the most uncomfortable and funniest shower I had ever had. They did wash my hair though, so that's a good thing.

The third day that my sister was home my mom and stepdad left to go grocery shopping, which left my sister and me alone. It was around lunchtime that my sister made lunch for me. I did the usual, eat in the kitchen, and she was on the phone talking to someone while making her lunch. I wanted to go back to my room because sitting up for a long period of time can still hurt my back, so I slowly and quietly got up and left. I made it to my room, sat on my bed and lowered myself on my side and rolled over to my back and grabbed my phone, going straight to any social media platform that I had. It scared the hell out of my sister when she came back and saw I was gone. Like she ran to my room and saw me and almost had a heart attack. Now that I look back at it, it is actually funny, it wasn't as funny to me back then. I didn't have much of a humor side of me since I was always tired and just wanted my day to go by quickly so I can just sleep and stay awake all night as usual.

My nightly routine was kind of normal for a bit. It was like my mom had a new baby in my place because, well, I would wake up in the middle of the night having to use the bathroom, and, well, I couldn't get out of bed on my own so yeah. I would pick up my phone and call my mother who's room was right next to mine and call her to help me up and to the bathroom. It only lasted like that for a couple of days of me calling her till I found a way to get out of bed on my own again. I had a walker placed directly next to me in bed to help me out of bed.

Waking up was easy though, I woke up, got out of bed, and slowly headed to the kitchen to make myself breakfast. Then I spent the rest of my day either watching TV or doing school work, or playing Sims or watching Youtube or watching Netflix. Either way, I am doing practically nothing all day because I kind of didn't want to. I didn't want to stay up and walk around and get used to having to be uncomfortable while walking, I didn't want to sit in a chair for hours a day. Doctors orders are just orders that they don't see you do, so you don't have to do them.

Doctors never really see what you do all day, which makes it easier for me. They don't have to tell me to sit up straight, not slouch because it will mess up my back. They don't have to tell me that I can't stay up all night because it will affect my eyes. Nothing can stop me, that's what I thought till I was in middle school and I found out that I had scoliosis. At first, I didn't care I just thought that it was gonna be fine my spine was different. Till the older I got it got worse and I just felt depressed, I felt like this is bad but I ignored it and thought that the more I ignore it and the more I stand straight it will be better. It didn't, it got worse no matter what.

I began to watch videos of how this could happen and why it happens and nothing helped me feel better, nothing helped me feel happy about this. I even found out that it will lead to surgery. I was like no this can't happen to me. My anxiety got even worse for this because of Shane Dawson, he had uploaded a what can and will happen during surgery the week of my surgery! Like what the hell, Shane?! I don't want to be thinking of this days before this happens to me! It's fine I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna die in surgery anyway! All my items go to who is on my list of who gets which, everything is planned, I know how I want my funeral to be. Not some cheesy all black funeral, it's gonna be purple my favorite color, its gonna be indoors like I like to be. My perfect funeral in my mind, I even wrote a speech for my mom or sister to read out to everyone.

My last words to everyone...

Hi, I'm Keileigh Jones,

If you are hearing this I am dead, I didn't survive my surgery like everyone else prayed I would, sorry that I wasted your prayers on me. Thank you though for any of you that tried, I know the doctors didn't. I've had an amazing life, I've had my ups and downs, I've made friends with some of the most amazing people, I've even made it to high school which is amazing and a good goal for people that don't believe they will survive most of there life. I surely didn't think I would survive, I've been through so much depression that I have thought of ending my life so many times. I've even had dreams of ways that I would kill myself, each one always inside like I like to be. I know not everyone in my family knows or has seen what I've been through, tons of other teens like me go through cutting and wanting to kill themselves because of them being bullied or seeing other women their age and seeing them flaunt there perfect body so they become insecure and cut themselves to lose weight or they stop eating. I cut myself because I got bullied, I got insulted on a daily basis. For having freckles and looking like a fucked up human pizza that wasn't edible because I look disgusting to eat. Or I was too skinny I looked like a walking salad fingers. Some people have actually told me I should kill myself for being this ugly, that no one would love me, I would be single all my life, this isn't just from people bullying me in real life, it's online too.

The worst bullying that I've gotten was when they bullied me for my scoliosis. I can't help something like that. How they found out because I thought to brag about having a bad back would make people pity me and be nice to me, no it didn't. It made them feel like when they look at me they don't look at me like I'm a normal human. No one is normal though unless you're Barbie and have millions of money and sisters and no brothers and get whatever you want.

After my scoliosis though I didn't get bullied anymore. I mean in real life I didn't, online I still did but I know what a block button is. I wish we had really block buttons though, that would make life so much easier. Life isn't easier with extreme scoliosis surgery, you can't do what you want to do anymore, but I still have one thing that the surgery didn't take away from me, which was my life and my personality.