Table for One

Stage One

First, you must make your significant other feel comfortable in their surroundings. Ensure you show them respect, make them their favourite meals, listen to their stories and respond appropriately to them.

Repeat this step for at least a month you will see the results start to grow. 

To assist in this stage it might be advantageous to keep a log of their routines, likes and dislikes etc. 

During this initial stage ensure that you are planning for the next stage by shopping for the equipment that you will need: 

• Black bags
• A leg of lamb as large as you can afford should be placed in the freezer immediately to maintain freshness.
• High Powered Electric carving knife. Note: ensure it is sharpened, test the battery etc to ensure it will work when you need it. 
• Mint or Rosemary to cook the lamb with depending on personal taste. 
• Appropriate vegetables to taste
• Potatoes for roasting or Aunt Bessie's if you are feeling lazy. 
• Yorkshire puddings, no matter what you're told these go with every roast. 
• Various washing products for the clean up

Invite your family and friends to Sunday lunch a date more than a month after you start this process, but not less than six months. 

It may be necessary if people can not attend to invite others to ensure the party is large enough to enjoy the meal you are going to prepare. 

Ask your significant other to invite some of their friends to enhance the party. People that you are happy to share a meal with and preferably not too clever. No one needs a know-it-all at the dinner table. 

Ensure that whilst preparing for stage two you have continued with the initial step in stage one to a satisfactory level. It is easy to dip the affection level but this should be avoided to ensure the success of the operation. 

Stage Two

This stage should be completed one day before the meal. 

Invite your significant other into the kitchen and make them their favourite beverage so they are sat relaxed preferably in an area without carpet on the floor. 

Take the frozen leg of lamb out of the freezer and hit your significant other repeatedly over the back of the head with it until they are no longer breathing. Aim for the base of the skull to ensure a swift transition.

Once the heart has ceased to beat, place the frozen leg of lamb onto the counter on a plate to avoid defrosting juices from contaminating the workspace prematurely.

Place your significant other into your bath and remove any limbs that do not fit into the bag with your electric carving knife. Please be mindful that this stage can be quite messy so it may be advised to wear an apron or other clothing covering. 

When the organic matter is small enough to fit into black bags place them in there, sealing using the double knot technique. 

Take them to the local tip for dumping, include other household rubbish in this trip, and ensure nothing has your address on it. 

Alternatively, you may prefer to dispose of them at the local lake but you will require something heavy to tie to the bags to ensure they sink. This is optional depending on the individual’s local geography.

Return home and thoroughly clean yourself, work environment and equipment. Pay particular attention to the grout between tiles and the serrated edges of the electric knife.

Stage Three

This stage is to be completed on the day of the family meal. 

Text all participants of the meal informing them your significant other has been called away suddenly (e.g., a family emergency or sudden business trip), but emphasise that the meal is still planned and you would love to see everyone.

Cook the now defrosted leg of lamb along with the vegetables and potatoes, and add seasoning to taste. 

Lay the table with your finest linens, cutlery and glassware. 

Welcome guests and seat them around the table, present the leg of lamb to the table on a separate plate, and the vegetables. The roasting meat will fill the home with a "normalising" scent that masks any lingering chemical cleaners.

Ask the person you least like at the table to carve the leg of lamb, hand them the electric carving knife and allow them to complete this stage without interruption. 

Serve the lamb, vegetables and gravy to the guests and watch them enjoy consuming your murder weapon. 

Make polite conversation at the table until it is time for the guests to leave, if needed send them home with leftovers. 

Clean dinner away, wash up and enjoy a stress-free life without a significant other. 

Note: It may be advantageous after a couple of days to report the significant other missing to the authorities. This creates a formal record of your "concern," though it is up to the individual and not strictly essential if the "sudden trip" narrative is strong enough.

Troubleshooting

Q1: What should I do if Stage One is interrupted by a third party?

Protocol: If a friend or family member expresses concern regarding your sudden change in behaviour towards the significant other, dismiss it as a renewed commitment to the relationship. Tactfully try to limit contact with this person. If suspicion persists, extend Stage One by an additional thirty days to normalise this behaviour, nosy people become bored very quickly and move on to someone else. 

Q2: The "Primary Instrument" (Frozen Lamb) has begun to soften before the transition. Is it still viable?

Protocol: No. The structural integrity of the instrument is paramount. If the meat has reached a temperature where the surface is yielding, its kinetic impact will be dampened, potentially failing to achieve a "swift transition." Return the instrument to the freezer for a minimum of 12 hours or replace it with a fresh, deeper-frozen unit. Consistency in density is non-negotiable for operator safety.

Q3: A guest at the Sunday Lunch asks specific questions about the Significant Other’s "sudden trip.”

Protocol: Employ the "Emotional Deflection Technique." Instead of providing hard data (flight numbers, hotel names), respond with an emotional state. Statements such as, "It was all so rushed, I’m still a bit overwhelmed trying to keep the house running," usually discourages further inquiry. Most guests will feel awkward pressing for details if you appear mildly stressed by the "absence."

Q4: There is a residual scent of "Chemical Sanitation Suite" products in the kitchen despite ventilation.

Protocol: Increase the volume of "Culinary Aromatics." If mint and rosemary are insufficient, introduce a secondary heat source, such as a stove top pot of cinnamon and cloves or brew coffee. Ensure the Yorkshire puddings are slightly over-browned to provide a familiar "toasted" aroma.

Q5: What if the person I least like at the table refuses to carve the meat?

Protocol: Do not insist, as this creates a memorable point of friction. Instead, pass the electric carving knife to the guest with the most social influence. The goal is "Shared Participation." As long as someone other than you handles the primary instrument in front of witnesses, the objective of the "Final Distribution" is achieved.

Q6: How should I handle "Digital Footprints" during the missing person reporting phase?

Protocol: Ensure your search history aligns with your narrative. In the 48 hours following the "Transition," perform searches related to "how to cope with a partner travelling" or "quick recipes for one." Do not search for legal advice or "how to clean grout" at any point. All digital activity must align with the persona of a waiting, slightly confused partner.