How to Cure Baldness The Ancient Egyptian Way!

On October 18, 1990, Homer J. Simpson conquered the ancient problem of male pattern baldness. I say “ancient” because hair loss appears to have been a problem dating back at least to the time of the ancient Egyptians. Probably longer. But I’ll get to that part later. The Simpsons episode I’m talking about is called Simpson and Delilah and finds our hero, Homer, turning to a miracle hair-growth formula called Dimoxinil. The episode probably rang the bell for a lot of men since, by the age of 50, 85% of men begin to bald (according to the American Hair Loss Association). Homer, however, experienced hair loss long before he turned 21, which means for him the problem is genetic. But that’s far from uncommon knowledge since anyone can look that up on Google, just as I have done.

But here’s some uncommon knowledge that I’m pretty sure you didn’t know: the ancient Egyptians had their own remedy for male pattern baldness…aaaaand, unlike Dimoxinil, it won’t set you back $1000; it will only cost you your dignity once you realize what steps you have to take.

By the way, this ancient remedy comes from Spell 684 of the Pyramid Texts, which date back to 2600 B.C.E. This means that men have been battling baldness for almost 5,000 years, although I’m willing to bet this war has been waged for much longer. In fact, seeing as how this ancient spell was, quite literally, a miracle cure meant for Osiris (yes, that Osiris) it would appear that even the gods go bald! That can only mean that this problem dates back to some 13.7 billion years ago, roughly around the time of the Big Bang.

Okay, so here’s how to pull this off: First of all, you will need a pharaoh. Hopefully, you happen to have one handy. If you don’t have access to royalty, I’m sure a president or prime minister will work just fine. But if your circle of friends doesn’t happen to include a president or prime minister, don’t sweat it; the point is that you need someone in a position of authority, so like a boss or cat or someone like that. The reason you need a pharaoh, president, prime minister or cat is because, as per the spell, this person is going to spit on your scalp. By the way, the cat will most likely want to lick your scalp instead of spitting on it, which means you’ll need to entice them by spraying the bald area with catnip or some other substance that cats are prone to lick. If you’re lucky, your cat will just naturally lick your head, like mine will sometimes do. Come to think of it, maybe that’s the reason I myself have been spared this cruel fate of baldness thus far. But I digress…

Okay, so after the pharaoh or president or prime minister or cat has spat on or licked your scalp, you will need to recite Spell 684 of the Pyramid Texts out loud: “The King will sit beside you, Osiris. The King will spit on your scalp! He will not let your scalp be ill! The King will not let Osiris be bald!”

Like I said, this was a spell for a god, but it might work for you too; just be sure to replace the name Osiris with your name. So, if your name is, I dunno, Homer Simpson, then read it as so: “The King will sit beside you, Homer Simpson, the King will spit on your scalp. He will not let your scalp be ill. The King will not let Homer Simpson be bald!”

And you’re done! By the next dark moon, you should have a full head of hair. Why the dark moon, you ask? Well, because according to Egyptologist Gyula Pirskin and her book The Ancient Egyptian Book of the Moon: Coffin Texts Spells 154-160, the Egyptians likened the full moon to a bald head. And if the full moon was a bald head, then the waning moon was evidence that the bald head was growing its hair back. Eventually, the moon disappears from the sky altogether (a dark moon), which means it must have grown all its hair back. Great news! But now here’s the bad news: in only a day or two, the moon starts to lose its hair again, just like what happened in the Simpson and Delilah episode. So this miracle breakthrough will require some monthly maintenance. But, hey, what do you have to lose, except maybe your dignity. If it works, awesome! If not, well, at the very least, you’ll have the pleasing sound of a soft purr in your ear while your cat ceaselessly grooms your crown. I find there is no better way to blunt the blow of baldness.