The Wave of Grief

How easy it has become to fake a smile. To show the world your progress, your strength, your resilience. But then, the feelings from everyday life start to consume you and you feel like you’re in a room, screaming for help, but no one even looks up. They know you’re hurt, but because you’ve made so much progress, no one thinks you will go back to that place of darkness. Grief is a weird thing and it can affect you anywhere and at any given moment. For me, it started with Thanksgiving. Starting new traditions felt bittersweet. New isn’t always a bad thing and change is sometimes needed in order to heal, in order to accept, and in order to move on. Moving on isn’t a bad thing, that’s what he would want and it’s something that I have to keep reminding myself of. I miss his entire presence, he was a big part of me and my existence. It’s almost like I’ve been trying to figure out who I am, all over again. The holidays are tough, he was a huge part of the holidays, we had our own traditions, and everything was always better because of him. I wish I could have just one more moment with him, to see him smile, hear him laugh, even hear his footsteps. I wish I could watch a movie with him or go on another daddy-daughter date. I wish he could see all that I’ve accomplished and meet the love of my life. Sometimes thinking about the future is scary, just knowing that he won’t be a part of it. Nothing is the same without him and the pain I’ve been feeling lately has been debilitating. I guess depression from such a huge loss comes in waves and I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. It's not easy being the person hurting so much and needing extra support. I've just been so used to being the one that everyone turns to for help and advice, that my own brain didn't know how to process my own emotions. It's okay not to be okay or to tell someone what is really on your mind. It's okay not to have all of the answers and to not know how to deal with what life throws at you. This is all a part of life and you just have to keep going. I’ve still made progress and I still have people that I can go to and that love me dearly. I will still pat myself on the back and be more kind to myself because sometimes someone’s own thoughts could be the reason for their demise. Grief is the price we pay for love, and I loved him so much. I have to keep reminding myself that I am part of him and he’s a part of me, and with that, I will always carry him and the love we had for each other, for the rest of my life. I am him, he taught me to always be kind and how to have a sort of gentleness that I can’t even explain. Being happy isn't a dishonor to him, it's the complete opposite. He always did everything in his power to ensure my happiness and safety. I will not give up, that’s not who I am, sometimes these waves of emotions happen and these things happen and you just work through them. That’s exactly what I’m doing, working through them and things will get better and I will feel better. I am strong and loved and I am him. I will not let him down, I will keep going.