A Blur

It feels like it all happened yesterday. when my world got flipped upside down and the life I once knew and loved was no more. Who would’ve thought that one phone call would change all I ever knew along with my sole existence. It was up to me, all up to me, the whole world, my mom’s whole world was entirely on my shoulders. It didn’t feel real, it was like an out-of-body experience, would I ever wake up from this nightmare? The hours, days, and weeks, leading up to the funeral just kept going by and it still didn’t feel real. It was as though my memory and thoughts were all foggy. How could this happen to me, my family? God would never betray me and take away the person I love the most, right? The day of the funeral came and there was no way that the man laying in the casket was my daddy. The person once filled with so much life, whose smile made anyone feel welcome and comfortable, there was just no way. Time kept going by and the fogginess didn’t go away, it was like I was living a life that I wasn’t even fully living anymore. It was like I was here and I had no control over what was happening and like this life wasn’t even mine anymore. I was losing myself more and more with each and every day that went by. I was starting to forget who I was and what made me happy and what brought me peace, especially being in a relationship with someone who made me feel like my thoughts, my feelings, and my tears had no meaning. The only time things were good was if I didn't speak, I was expected to be silent. This is not how I was raised. I was brought up to be strong, independent, and to always stand up for what is right. With all of that, I was still letting a man who was supposed to love me and be my partner, yell and demean me every opportunity he could. I was nothing but this broken and lost person. With each day that went by, I just kept telling myself how much I missed my old life. The life where I had two parents, the life where I felt supported, the life where I felt heard, the life where the weight of the world wasn’t on my shoulders and I only had to worry about myself and could take time to figure out what the future had in store. This isn't how my new life or rendition of that is supposed to be, right? I couldn't be that person who lost their dad and walked around lost and as if life had no meaning, right? This couldn't be me and a life that I would be okay with living. To carry around the pain every day and to feel unheard, unloved, and trapped became so very exhausting. I can't have it together all of the time. I can't be the perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect sister, perfect aunt, perfect employee, perfect student, perfect girlfriend, I just couldn't live this life anymore. This isn't mine. Life kept throwing everything it could at me and I felt myself sinking lower and lower with each day that went by. Talking to friends became exhausting, and making plans to hang out became exhausting. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go out, all I wanted was to just be alone to regain my peace. I was once a person who loved being outside and exploring all the world had to offer. This isn't me, I'm a fighter.