The Great American Debate A Tragedy of Errors

Quirkville was a sleepy little village near the centre of political pandemonium as the 2024 election season went into full swing. That was the general consensus amongst the residents of Quirkville, anyways —each of its many occupants going about their daily lives in a similar 'out-of-the-box' way that made Quirkville one unique place to live. This year, they held a series of candidate debates in the American presidential race, hoping to spice up the usual bland political events.

Here is the motley crew of candidates: The first to speak was Congressman Chuck “Cheeseburger” McGriddle, a portly and laughing politician who claimed he could feed the country out of ruin. Hiscampaign slogan was "A Burger in Every Hand!" He showed up to the debate in a food truck, blaring his signature jingle: When all else fails, just flip a patty out!("Flip")

And, of course, the indomitable Senator Linda “Lollipop” Larson, with her reputation for sugary snacks and sweet but cutting rhetoric. Arriving at the debate she wore a gown that was a shimmering mass of candy wrappers, making her look like a walking piñata. I am going to make America sweet again! she declared as she littered the audience with gummy bears.

Then there was the Independent candidate, Earl "Eagle Eye" Thompson, a nutjob who thought government was being controlled by squirrels. He showed up on a unicycle as an eagle with this ridiculously large costume I am here to reveal the truth! He ruffled his feathers and shrieked.

The debate started with all the usual pomp, but before long it was being labelled as an omnishambles. The moderator, a somewhat hyper-local DJ by the name of Benny "Beats" Johnson, did not do a very good job at keeping control of things. “Alright, folks! Let’s keep it civil!” This, as Cheeseburger McGriddle began to deliver a fiery monologue about the integral role that fast food should play in the diet of an American.

The purr into the frowns “I swear,” McGridean began, “if every person in this country could go to bed with a cheeseburger each day…. We wouldn't be quarelling! And for those who think differently, they can argue with my secret sauce! The crowd burst out laughing; things only got more chaotic when a stray cat ran onto the stage, batting at the bottles.

Then it was Senator Lollipop's turn, with a sppech that inlcudedone candy reference after another. “Free this Tootsie Roll, so we can get to the equity inside of it! Sweetness must prevail!” The audience went wild, but a near-riot ensued when she chucked even more gummy bears into the masses. People rushed to catch the airborne sugar and Benny fought back for control.

And for Eagle Eye Thompson, he was sure the candy had some sort of mind-control agent in it. They are trying to brainwash your ass! One of those heads pointed at Lollipop and yelled. “Look at the squirrels! They’re everywhere!” He waved his hand madly causing the audience to nervously look around.

The discussion got sillier as it went on. The smell of the food truck even brought the town's favorite goat Gary to make an appearance on stage. “Not again!” McGriddle grimaced as Gary swallowed Benny's campaign sign. “This is a serious debate!”

“Gary knows the truth!” Thompson tried; this turned out to be his best approach, yelling and dismounting the unicycle. “He’s in on it! He’s one of them!” The audience was then treated to several minutes of non-stop laughter as McGriddle tried, unsuccessfully, to bribe Gary with a cheeseburger.

At last: It was the audience's turn. One very brave child stood up, holding a sign saying, "Why is my dog barking at squirrels." The would-be interviewees stared back at each other, baffled, and then McGriddle replied: “Because he knows they're plotting something. Maybe they are looking to infiltrate the food truck industry!

The kid shrugged, but the laugh kind of rippled through the crowd and added to the ridiculousness of that night. The topic of the debate was one that is incredibly important, however it turned into a fun-loving circus surrounded by jokes, candy and a goat who simply wanted in on the action.

Both candidates had used the prelude to hag tonight as an opportunity for comedy in which one tried to out funnify the other 🔥 #DemDebate McGriddle put his magic to the test of tossing burgers, Lollipop danced with her candy wrappers and Thompson gravely addressed us about the coming squirrel rebellion.

In the end, no one emerged victorious — or defeated. No instead, Quirkville had experienced a show like no other. “Here at Quirkville we have a policy that laughter is the best medicine!” Benny announced.

The townsfolk went home from the debate with smiles; arguing over who was the best comedian, not who would be the best President. The Great American Debate had become a comedy show and in some aspects was no longer about politics but rather laughing our way through the struggle with laughter truly being one of the best cures to chaos.

And as for the candidates? Oh well, they collected their gear and said that they will be back for the next stage — possibly with even more shameless schemes. Because in Quirkville, an election wasn't just a political thing — it was memorable experience with each guffaw.