Posh Person V Parking Machine

Before I start, I wish to make it clear that I’m not stereotyping posh people here. I’m sure most of you upper crust types are more than capable of negotiating electronic machinery. But for the sake of history this story must be told. So hold on to your fascinators!

When I was a hospital porter, I would sometimes cover the reception desk when the admin girl was on a fag break. Just opposite the reception desk, stood a ticket machine for the hospital car park.

One day, a posh lady in a suit approached me and asked if I had any spare change for the machine, as she only had a £10 pound note. She seemed to be looking at the ground as she addressed me, so I said absolutely bugger all until she had the courtesy to look me in the eyes and ask me again!

‘Nope luv, I don’t carry that sort of money I’m afraid. But yer in luck! The parking machine takes tenner’s so you can crack on!’ I advised her in my kind Irish lilt.

So after making some kind of upper class tutting sound, then looking down at me as though she'd trodden on some poodle pooh. She clopped her way over to the parking machine in her inappropriate Gucci heels.

Standing back from it, as though trying to figure out the controls of a Space shuttle, she turned around and looked at me in confusion. But apparently not wanting to bear my Irish charms once again, before I could help, she began pressing random buttons and trying to work out where she could put her money in.

Now, as we all know (well, us lower class citizens do anyway), there is a note receiver on these kind of machines that you slide the note into. It gently pulls it in, then spits out the change. I mean, what could be simpler, right?

But what she did next, has stayed with me and will remain with me for the rest of my life. Are you ready? Believe me, you won’t be!

For some bizarre reason, she began rolling the ten pound note between her fingers into a tube shape. At this point, I wondered if she might be preparing to snort a line of coke or something. Posh people have been known to do that sometimes, especially celebrities and politicians. But what she did next was even better …

She began trying to force her rolled up note directly into the coin slot of the machine! She then proceeded to stare into the slot, to see what it would do. So when nothing happened (obviously!), she turned and looked at me with the confused look of a Baroness at a Barbecue.

"em, excuse me Mr Porter man, there’s nothing happening here. What on earth should I do?"

By this point, I had pressed the emergency button on my radio so all the other porters could witness this extra special moment. When they all came running to check I was ok, I was rolling around on the reception floor clutching my chest.

"Oh shit! what's happened Simon? Is it your heart? Oh no, look lads, he's writhing in agony. Someone get a doctor here quick! ..."

‘No no ... It's not ... can someone … just…please…help this…lady…oh feck… hahhahahaha…’ I replied.

This moment of human stupidity has stayed with me for over a quarter of a century. Although there was also the time I watched a waitress bump into a mirror, spill coffee on it, then start wiping it off her reflection and apologising to herself. That was a classic too!

Original version published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/posh-person-v-parking-machine-b9b1afe89f27