My Children's first Profanities!

My son attempted his first swear at just four years old. He was watching a Power Rangers battle on my 50-inch flat-screen one morning, when he decided to join in. He did this by repeatedly bashing his action figure Tommy, off the evil Goldar’s head.

Goldar was defeated, but unfortunately my TV now resembled Picasso’s ‘The Weeping Woman.’ I began to sound just like her, as I chastised him and confiscated Tommy.

My son then looked at me with his cute but angry little scowl and let it me have it with both barrels …

‘Daddy … you … BOSTORD!’

This is why I referred to him at the beginning as only attempting to swear. When he said it, I was shocked. But the fact that he said it incorrectly, had me doing what we should never do when chastising our children. I laughed my bloody head off!

Of course, my hysterics made him even more angry, which lead him to react again. But this time it was the big one! The one that we all dread hearing our kids say for the very first time …

‘FACK OFF DADDY!’

After requiring surgery to have my sides stitched back into place, I can’t actually remember hearing my son swearing since. He’s 21 now, so I’m wondering if he has a speech impediment that causes him to place the wrong vowels into swear words. Perhaps there is a clinical name for it: Swuttering perhaps?

So anyway, back to the present day and I’m sitting at my desk while my younger son and daughter are upstairs online gaming. I can hear them chatting to a friend over the Xbox microphone, but I can also make out their friends mother in the background. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve nearly been caught saying the wrong thing in this scenario. There’s no such thing as privacy these days!

I then hear an argument developing between my daughter and their online friend; Some crap about diamonds going missing in her Minecraft inventory! Then suddenly her voice bellows out and I feels as though Thor’s Hammer has just smacked me straight in the face …

‘WHAT THE FUCK!’

I jump to my feet and knock over my tea, while Bob the cat runs for cover …

‘ZARAH! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! DO YOU HERE ME! RIGHT NOW!’

So she comes down knowing exactly the reason why, then starts her line of defence before I even get a chance to speak …

‘No … I … I … didn’t say what you think I said … I just said what the ffff … then stopped myself just before the uck.’

Well that was that! As soon as she said it I was off to laugh-land once again; ‘Just before the uck!’ It’s impossible not to admire the way children say things. Even if they are in the shit!

To be completely honest, I don’t have much of a problem with my kids swearing. After all, most of us do it as adults, so how can we criticise? I myself, was a champion of swears in my youth. Growing up in Northern Ireland, swearing was always accepted as an integral part of the culture and community spirit. Go to any Irish pub and you will understand exactly what I mean. It’s a thing of beauty and should be celebrated!

As a staunch believer in freedom of speech during these strange times of linguistic oppression, to hear my own kids swearing is almost a relief. But perhaps not in front of their best friend’s mother (Fack!)

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Originally published at https://medium.com/never-stop-writing/my-childrens-first-profanities-38e7263a8ec0