Neoconservatives Seen Dancing in the Streets of DC and New York

In a scene reminiscent of VE day, neoconservatives were dancing in the streets of DC and New York in celebration of America's attack on Iran.

Marco Rubio did the electric slide with a group of bureaucrats outside the State Department. “We've been waiting for this moment since 2003. Syria, Somalia, Iran, who knows, maybe Greenland next!”

In a nearby Georgetown karaoke bar, Victoria Nuland and Hillary Clinton were seen singing a duet of 'Desperado' before John Bolton bolted out 'Highway to Hell'. Watching was Pete Hegseth, grinning sheepishly, delighted he hadn't accidentally leaked this week's war plans. Mike Pompeo wiped tears of joy from his eyes, holding a signed copy of The 2003 Iraq War playbook.

Meanwhile, Bill Kristol, Robert Kagan, Elliott Abrams, and Dick Cheney led a conga line down K Street, suits emblazoned with the words “Preemptive Strike Squad.”

This citizen journalist took to the streets to ask people how they were feeling.

The Freedom to Disparage Foreign Nations

Interviewee: Chad Ladington, Senior Fellow, American Institute for Peace, D.C.

Q: Why the joy over the Iran strikes?

Chad, in a pinstripe suit with a US flag lapel pin, grinned like he had won the lottery. “Look, we dropped the ball on North Korea - Kim's got nukes, so we got to show him respect. But Iran? Oh man, we smoked Fordow! Now I can strut onto Fox News and CNN and say, 'Tehran's a paper tiger!'”

Takeaway: Chad's ready to roast Iran on X.

War — America's Last Flex

Interviewee: General Brad Johnson, Retired Pentagon Consultant

Q: Why is war America's last claim to greatness?

Buck slammed his fist onto a nearby parking meter. “China's got EVs surpassing Tesla, Netflix is outsourcing film production to Toronto. But war? Nobody does it better than us. B-2s dropping bunker busters on Fordow? That's only us. America's number one!'”

Takeaway: Buck sees war as America's ultimate trump card.

The Academic's Vindication

Interviewee: Dr. Gregory Schwatz, Adjunct Professor, Georgetown University, D.C.

Georgetown faculty member Gregory Schwatz is the author of 47 think tank papers on “Iran is the Real Threat” and has been heckled at 23 years of DC conferences.

Q: How's it feel to be vindicated after 23 years?

Gregory beamed like he won a Nobel. “Two decades of people calling me 'Chicken Little!' . Today the Fordow nuclear site is rubble! My papers were a prophecy! It feels like winning the lottery after buying tickets for two decades.”

Q: What's next?

“My next paper is titled 'China is the Real Threat.' I'm headlining TED as 'the man who was right about Iran'.”

Takeaway: Gregory's living the neocon dream, turning decades of fearmongering into profitable speaking engagements.

Tucker as Antichrist

Interviewee: 'Andy', Freelance Pundit, D.C.

Andy, wearing an Atheists Rule T-shirt approached, and without prompting, shared his opinion, “Tucker Carlson is the Antichrist for opposing war.”

Q: Why single out Tucker Carlson?

“Tucker's on X whining about 'endless wars' while we're saving the world from the forces of evil! Tucker is Satan in a bowtie. He should burn in hell. This is a righteous war.”

Takeaway: Andy's atheism proves even non-believers can worship war with religious fervor.

Holy Land, Holy Bombs

Interviewee: Pastor Patrick Hopper, D.C. Televangelist

Christian conservative pastor and influencer Patrick Hopper said, 'Thank god Trump took action. Israel is the holy land.' 'But it's not “our” holy land?' He switched topic and quoted Jesus. 'Those Israelis really know how to kick ass.'”

Q: As a Christian, why praise Trump's Iran strikes?

Patrick, in a tailored suit, beamer. “Trump's B-2s obliterated evil Iran! Israel's the Holy Land for the chosen people. Those 12 bunker busters? Divine justice.”

Q: Isn't Israel their holy land, and not ours?

He blinks, then pivots. “Those Israelis know how to kick butt! Let's pray for more drone strikes!”

Takeaway: Patrick's southern Christian conservative background sees war as a biblical fantasy football league.

War Unites the Lobbyists

Interviewee: Lobbyist Larry, K Street Fixer, D.C.

On the streets of DC, war appeared to be the one thing uniting lobbyists on both sides of the aisle.

Q: How does war bring D.C. lobbyists together?

“War's an investment - jobs, contracts, influence. Bipartisan love for bombs keeps K Street buzzing. My yacht needs an upgrade!”

Takeaway: Lobbyist synergy proves war is a bipartisan goldmine.

Red States as Cannon Fodder

Interviewee: Blue-State Betty, Democratic Strategist, D.C.

Betty sees the Iran war as benefiting blue states.

Q: Why say the Iran war cuts red state numbers?

Betty, in a pantsuit, smirks. “Neocons love war, and red states love signing up. Send those MAGA boys to Iran — fewer Trump voters in 2028! We'll keep the Middle East hot, and blue states stay safe.”

Takeaway: Betty's neocon-Democrat plot twists war into electoral math.

On X an account called @HawkishGirl, boasted, “This is what winning looks like. Eat your heart out, doves!” alongside a video of herself twerking atop a parked Humvee.

In DC, as the night wore on, the mood showed no signs of calming. In a particularly wild moment, a group of neocons attempted to reenact the fall of Baghdad's Saddam statue, and toppled the statue of Nelson Mandela in front of the South African Embassy. “An honest mistake,” said a leader of the group, who quickly pivoted to leading a chant of “Regime Change!” to drown out complaints.

At the after-party, Hillary Clinton was seen in a crowd dancing to Disco Inferno and chanting “Bomb baby bomb” over the chorus.

Takeaway: Beneath a facade of high-minded rhetoric and benevolent sounding jargon, neoconservatives relish crushing defenseless nations, while envisioning themselves as Captain Picard protecting Earth from the Klingons.

Disclaimer: This article is satire and neocons don't dance.