🎼🎺 It Don't Meme A Thing..!

I'm outta control!

I've lost my mind!!!

{I never actually had it.}

I'm going through all the stages of grief (in I don't know what order) for not winning the Sky-ku challenge. 😭😭😭😭😭

I really thought I'd win the Sky-ku challenge. I thought my three haikus were all awesome beyond belief! I had such high hopes for one in particular! It wrote __lightning into it!

Now I realize all my poems sucked. Big time. The challenge was to write about something IN the sky. What did I do? I wrote about the sky itself! And my execution/punctuation was abysmal.

I've got bad brains! ⚡🫤 Clearly!!!

(Congrats to all the winners!)

Anyway...

This is ALL NEW Comedy right here! Whoo-hoo!!! 🎇🧨🎈 ✨ 🎉🎊⚡ ⚡ ⚡⚡ 🎆 🎆✨🎇

I'm writing this for you! ⚡😁🫵

I think I might be inspirational! 🤷‍♂️

Possibly even supernatural!

I know I slipped on a mixed metaphor!

I think I damaged my hippocampus...

...................again!!

So, strap in! Put on your soundproof helmets! Drink as much booze as humanly possible! Do hardcore street drugs you wouldn't even give to your enemies. And, if you have a therapy dog, have milk bones handy to keep your canine on standby!

You also should be grounded.

This one is going to get stormy! 🌩️

Let's set the tone for this Edition.

Classic stuff, right? Both Louis and Duke! That leads us to the usual...

\\\W A R N I N G: The quality of this material tanks after that song. There's a couple more good tunes later, but they could cause you to break out in scales. 🐊

My name is ___Lightning Bolt. I have the characteristics of both alternating and direct current. Don't be shocked. ⚡

Let it be known: my narration is incredibly vulgar, so don't read any further if you're a bitch ass pussy offended by cock-sucking swear words. {I'm being treated for profanity, but I relapse voluntarily. 🤷⚡} I don't use those asterisks in cuss words like some writers do. I don't see the point. Everyone knows when you write 'f*ck', you mean 'fuck'. It just seems to me like prejudice against 'u's.

Anyway....

The memes that follow are drivel. If you read this babble, you may puke, or have nightmares, or jitter uncontrollably. You could also experience premature ejaculation. I'm sexy as fuck. My sense of humor makes me unimaginably alluring. You'll probably fall in lust with me. Don't say I didn't WARN you.///

Do we have an understanding?

Okay then! Here we go!

⚡_______________⚡

#1- — craving Beijing beef

More likely...

A pissed-off Qdoba worker will shit in your Mexican bowl today.

It's not like that's not happened before.

"Someone on Vocal will electrostimulate your mind-to-genital connection."

⚡😉👍

⚡_______________⚡

#2- — feeling religious

#2 (revised)- — feeling mythological

Gorgons have more fun.

⚡_______________⚡

#3- — feeling conflicted

You can get help with this on TikTok.

The recipe for grape guilt sugar cake caused me to cry excessively and I gained 53 pounds in 3 days. It worked though! I ate away all the guilt about republishing a bunch of my shit here in the Humor Community. All gone.

And the recipe for honey-roasted rage causes me to burn off 20 pounds in, like, 4 days.

The emotions that really mess with your metabolism are desperation & despondency. You gotta get started early in the day with a ton of maple syrup to eat hopelessness away... and then cap off that evening with prime rib, garlic toast, and strawberry sorbet.

It's complicated, but it's manageable.

Yes, there's the cost of food. But you gotta eat anyway.

By eating your feelings away, you don't have to tell a nice stranger all your secrets and then worry about him pissing in your ass.

⚡_______________⚡

#4- — feeling woememegone

Seeing that 🥹☝️ memes a lot, don't you think?

⚡_______________⚡

#5- — feeling ganged up on & I like it

Bullshit!

Don't work there!

#BoltsHiring ❕⚡💯

⚡_______________⚡

#6- — feeling advisory

You need to talk to Becky anyway about how she 'gets her life together' every morning after taking that air pump with her into the bathroom. She claims it has to do with her masturbation technique, but you've long been suspicious she's blowing up fake tits.

She refuses to take off her bra during sex.

Show her what that 'pipe' is really used for and see if she reacts by instinctively covering her breasts.

⚡_______________⚡

#7- — feeling caffeinated

Dr Oz knows nothing!

He thinks he's a wizard.

I'm the Wizard here!!!

If a vast number of gorgeous authors rub your naked bodies against mine, everybody drops cellulite simultaneously. It's __shocking how well it works! And besides the health benefits, it also gets you hired! {See meme 5. ⚡😁☝️}

Can we all get together next weekend?

I'll bring the dip... so whatever happens: No Shame.

⚡_______________⚡

#8- — feeling hungry

#8 (revised)- — no longer feeling hungry

The price is right, but piss flaps just aren't filling enough, not even when buttered.

For a main course, try something like Bake in the Pan Sauteed Shit Sausages. Some people say they taste shitty, but those people are British snobs.

Yes, I said it.

⚡_______________⚡

#9- — feeling like my phone battery is about to die

On second thought, call the Police Department.

This will begin a three-step process so I can get a restraining order against this damn faucet!

⚡_______________⚡

Sometimes I forget to call in the superheroine that everyone anticipates. I should call in the superheroine right now.

DON'T.

I'm calling her in right now! ⚡

I'm calling a superheroine right now! ⚡

...⚡🤔

...⚡🤔

I did it! ⚡😁👍

Daddy always has the stamina to win out over the DON'T meme in the end!

Here's your superheroine!

"SAVE ME, CAPTAIN MARVEL!!!"

#SuperBabeInsertionComplete 🫡

⚡_______________⚡

#-10 — feeling froggy

The driver's playlist has a clever theme.

Upbeat and reptilian!

⚡😎👍

And then...

.... you're home before you know it, back in the swamp!

Sketchy Is as Sketchy Does after that many Tequila shots. Kermit (second from the back) certainly knows that after that "accidental" insertion.

🐊

⚡_______________⚡

WE PAUSE BRIEFLY FOR THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Actually, that's just another moronic meme.

What I'm really trying to do is conquer the Humor Community. In a bloodless coup. I'm non-violent. No authors should be hurt in the forthcoming mock revolution.

I don't know even the best way to go about this. ⚡🤔

Do you have any suggestions?

I'm not saying the other comedians publishing in the Humor Community aren't top notch. They are. All of them are great for a gazillion giggles. Meanwhile, All I'm allocating anyone anymore are awful examples of alliteration.

I still want control of the place.

I feel like it belongs to me.

Currently, I'm not even listed as a Top Creator!

There's something wrong with that.

Contact me if you have any idiotic ideas about how we can force Vocal to have a Humor Community Election so I can be Elected KING!

{I ought to edit all that. I should be coronated, not elected. I ought be given a monthly salary of $27,111. I ought to be lionized by everyone in this ridiculous community, especially when people recover from power outages! I ought to be dated by all the most electric personalities of either sex. I ought-saf

asdfaoasdfjkap

{I ought to "Save changes" on my drafts constantly, so everything isn't erased when the cat jumps on my keyboard.

{I ought to be asleep.}

💤💤💤💤

⚡_______________⚡

#11- — feeling like the doorman

I also get out of bed to check my notifications to see if Vocal has decided to go back in time and change the Sky-ku challenge so it's about the sky itself, and not about something IN the sky, and they further said "Punctuation be damned; icons are encouraged." And, naturally, that time traveling edit results in Guess Who winning?

⚡

{Forgive me, Natalie Wilkinson! Your haiku was brilliant!}

⚡_______________⚡

#12- — feeling enflamed; it's time to quit

I always thought my heartburn was caused by all that oral sex with demons from Hell.

⚡🤔

Okay. I'm horny now and calling it quits!

Thanks for reading! Please subscribe! Consider voting for me in any future election in the Humor Community. I promise to never pursue policies that will turn any authors or readers into Soylent Green.

Soylent Blue, I make no promises.

We'll see what happens!

______________________Bolt ⚡