I Went to British Heaven

It caught me off guard at first, but I was reassured by the fact that, if you will forgive the phrase, [the after] life goes on. And on, and on, and on, as a matter of fact – so it’s good to make sure you’ve turned the gas off and taken your library books back.

I was given a leaflet, which stated emphatically ‘Welcome to Death’.

Welcome to Death

So you are dead. Don’t bust a gut about it, unless that’s how you got here, in which case you’ll find some mops and buckets behind reception. Just because you’ve passed behind the veil of all your tomorrows, doesn’t mean to say you have to make the place look untidy.

Before we lead you into your In Felicity Benefit claimant’s interview, we would ask you to take a numbered ticket from the dispenser and wait to be called. Remember, this is the United Kingdom of Heaven and you should not try to jump the queue. This applies equally to former pensioners. Don’t try that “but I’m only a pensioner” look with us, most of us have had a bad day. Anyone disobeying this command will be severely tutted at.

Once you are called, you must tell us everything about not only your current personal circumstances – which, let’s face it with you being dead, are really quite simple – but also about your past circumstances.

As you would expect, your death creates a lot of important paperwork. This is because, even after you die, the Department of Social Scrutiny continues to work for you and may require information in order to help us help you help us.

This enables us to discharge certain formal duties in much the same way as you have recently discharged yourself. These duties have been sparked off by your death.

• By “death”, we mean an eternal state of involuntary stillness. It commences with the visit of an anachronistic simile that alludes to a harvest – the Grim Reaper – and leads to either a blinding white light and a withered and rather embarrassed God, reincarnation or absolutely nothing at all.

• In the case of reincarnation, even into a lower being such as a dung beetle, journalist or equivalent, you will be asked to repay immediately any In Felicity Benefit you may have claimed, by means of a direct debit by your karmic account bank manager.

• In the case of arriving at nothing at all, please make sure you extinguish the blinding white light behind you so as not to disturb others who wish to continue not existing.
• In case of finding a benevolent God, you may wish to raise some issues with It, after which you will be asked to fill out the form below and await the decision of the claimant advisor.
• If you do not agree with the decision, you can appeal against it, using our Claimants’ Seance Procedure. Please make your presence felt at a DoSS office, and we will send all the details you need to your book of remembrance.

From an adjacent universe