Grimshaw’s Head Lice Treatment

Do the relentless peregrinations of these diminutive, yet devilishly determined denizens of the scalp cause you untold consternation, social embarrassment, and an incessant, maddening titillation that threatens to drive you to the very precipice of distraction? Have you endured the ignominy of countless concoctions, the application of noxious unguents, and the relentless raking of fine-toothed instruments, all to no avail, leaving your precious cranium a battleground of ceaseless torment?

Then, Despair No Longer! For a most ingenious, albeit somewhat radical, solution has been devised by the esteemed Professor Thaddeus Grimshaw, a gentleman of unparalleled scientific acumen and, shall we say, a decisive approach to problematic infestations!

Introducing: The Grimshaw Relocation Protocol!™

Professor Grimshaw, after years of painstaking observation (and a rather unfortunate personal encounter with the aforementioned parasites), has determined that the most efficacious, nay, the only truly guaranteed method of eradicating these tenacious tenants is a complete and utter… separation… of the affected area from the remainder of the corpus.

The Procedure, in Brief (and with Utmost Discretion):

Following a thorough consultation, and pending the signing of numerous, meticulously worded disclaimers, the Professor will, with the utmost care and precision (using implements sterilized in a proprietary blend of carbolic acid and… other things), effectuate a swift and… definitive… removal of the infested region. The separated… component… will then be transported, via a specially constructed conveyance (a wheelbarrow of the finest mahogany, no less!), to a designated containment area.

There, in a controlled environment (a meticulously appointed table, complete with a linen cloth of the highest thread count), the… item… will be subjected to a rigorous, yet humane, process of observation and, if necessary, further treatment.

This could be with a knife, also sterilised. Or not. The matter is one of great difficulty, but the solution is beyond dispute, that all lice shall be separated from the patient. Permanently.

Advantages of the Grimshaw Protocol:

• Unparalleled Effectiveness: We guarantee, with the utmost confidence (and a signed affidavit), a 100% success rate in the eradication of Head Lice. Recurrence is, shall we say, highly improbable.
• Expeditious Results: Unlike other treatments, which require weeks of tedious application, the Grimshaw Protocol yields immediate, and, dare we say, permanent results.
• Minimal Disruption: The period is a short one, the recovery is… debatable, and the patient is almost immediately at liberty.

A Word of Caution:

The Grimshaw Decapitation & Relocation Protocol™ is not for the faint of heart. It is a treatment of last resort, to be considered only when all other avenues have been exhausted. Side effects may include… well, let us simply say that a certain degree of… *adjustment*… may be required.

Testimonials Available Upon Request (Though Somewhat Limited in Scope).

Professor Thaddeus Grimshaw, D.Sc. (Dubious Credentials), M.R.C.S. (Mostly Retired, Completely Sane).

Inquire Within (If You Dare).

Testimonials

Testimony for a Most REMARKABLE CURE of Affliction of the Scalp

Mr De Ath’s Story

Hark, gentle reader, and lend thine ear to my revelation of unprecedented efficacy! I was beset by an Affliction of the Scalp, a Veritable Plague that did cause torment and despair! This treatment was so extraordinary, so revolutionary, that it Banished these insidious pests with a swiftness and Finality that will leave me in a state of profound, if rather rested, satisfaction!

Mr De Ath of Portobello Rd, PAMT (proactive ante-mortem testimony)

Mt De Ath was aided by our esteemed scientists who, having plumbed the depths of cranial anatomy and the very essence of parasitic existence, devised a remedy that not only eliminated the vermin but also possessed the most remarkable and salutary effects upon the very nature of the human head itself. In Mr De Ath’s extreme case, where infestation had reached an alarming degree and the integrity of the cranium was challenged, our treatment gently and naturally detached the head and then further ensured that the lice were removed from the very vicinity of Mr De Ath’s still-quivering remains.

Field Marshall Baron Imbecil’s Story

I have, as you can see, had the most extraordinary results! Thud.

Feild Marshall Baron Imbecil of HM’s 1st Batallion Fusiliers, Prancing Division. TGTS (Testimony Gained Through Seance)

The results we cannot show, for fear of causing a fainting fit, but rest assured, the results are so extraordinary as to be almost beyond belief! In case of particularly robust heads, we also recommend a course of wheelbarrow therapy.

Avoid quacks and charlatans. Trust in science, and allow our treatment to restore your head to a state of perfect purity and unblemished glory. Your head, and indeed, your sanity, will thank you!