How To Open A Box*

Boxes. They’re everywhere. Upstairs, downstairs, indoors, outdoors, in rooms, in open spaces; the list goes on. They might even be right next to you as you’re reading this very article right now.

Like it or not, we all have to open them at some point in our lifespans. After all, they are capable of storing plenty of useful items in our daily lives — from tools to toys and papers with vital information on them.

How does one go about opening these storage containers, then? Is it by force? By reason? By the power of love? By a mix of all three, a particular combination of them, or something else altogether?

This article will go over the art of opening a box. Please note that as long as you follow my instructions to the letter, in order, you will not only succeed — but even be the best at it. You might just even be able to find the solution to world peace by discovering its necessary treasures. Totally.

Let It Sit

This probably sounds counterintuitive. I mean, doing nothing with something simply leaves it in its default state, at the whims and mercy of itself and the environment around it outside of you. However, I strongly encourage you to hear me out.

Boxes are just that — boxes. They’re inanimate objects. They can’t fight back and try to force themselves closed like a person may slap an attacker back or how an animal physically tears into a predator. They are inertia. Their matter is not made to be part of the living world at any point during their existence.

With that being said, boxes don’t last forever. Like all mundane objects in the universe, they will eventually decay. Will that take a long time? Perhaps. But why care about that while in the midst of a box opening attempt when it’s eventually going to break down anyways? Once it does, there’s basically just a big hole to allow the easy retrieval of any interior contents.

Rip It Open

If your box simply isn’t opening by itself for a long time after you’ve encountered it, it might be time to take matters into your own hands.

I’m not talking about using a box’s standard flaps or cutting around its usual edges to unravel it. Those two tactics are for boring, bland people who are scared of the unknown and/or obsessed with finding containers to reuse. Don’t be like those wimps.

Instead, tear into your chosen box with your personal methods. Jump on it. Shred it to pieces. Chop and scratch the surface wherever you please. Whatever you do, don’t just play by the plain rules of humanity that have ruled us for far too long.

As a bonus: perform your crazy box-opening in front of people you’re dependent on in some fashion who would likely disapprove of your actions. Why should you care about what they think? Surely there is no way anything could possibly go wrong and wreck any aspect of your life in the short or long term!

Of course, make sure no one gets hurt in your insane attempts to open your box. You’re opening a box, not trying to deliberately ruin other people’s lives.

…

By opening a box successfully, you will gain the key to the universe. You will gain inner peace, serenity, and everything you’ve ever wanted. Your life will be nothing but fulfilling, and no one can stop you. Everything will be just perfect for all eternity.

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

*Except for the “no hurting people” thing, this article is satire. Please do not take it seriously.

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