How To Be Someone*

Content warning for allusions to some disturbing events. Also, please read the ending disclaimer.

By Snarky LisaPublished 5 months ago • 3 min read

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To exist in this world — let alone survive — one must try to be someone. After all, everyone on planet Earth is categorically somebody. Whether they’re good, bad, poor, rich, smart, dumb, feminine, masculine, or anywhere in between, they all exist.

How, then, does one attempt to be someone? Is it through pride? Being ruthless for power’s sake? Sacrificing sanity for attention? Perhaps not.

This article will go over how to be someone. Please note that this piece is fully guaranteed to succeed at its goals — as long as you follow its instructions!

Be Born

The first step of being someone is to, well, be born. This step is something you have practically no real control over.

As a baby, you can’t form the proper memories required to think up a coherent plan that goes beyond crying. Your birth is either the result of instinctive automata or the product of a c-section. It’s not exactly something you consciously and conscientiously say “yes” or “no” to.

You may be wondering: “This isn’t fair! I didn’t consent in a neatly informed fashion to getting brought into the world when and where I was!” If this is your thought process: too bad. You have already lived and breathed since you were very, very, young.

Instead of moping and weeping over the simple fact that you were born (not taking other life circumstances into account), embrace the fact that you exist! You’re alive, and have been alive longer than at least someone else on Earth likely has. Be grateful.

Not Die

Of course, being someone also means avoiding the cessation of Earthly existence. To accomplish this important task, one must avoid dying.

There are many different ways to die. Examples include — but are not limited to — murder, severe car crashes, food poisoning, chemical intoxication, being excessively drunk or under the influence of recreational drugs, several diseases, as well as just plain bad luck.

Of course, there’s no completely foolproof way to avoid dying. If there were, several of us would already be immortal by now. Some people from the Middle Ages and ancient times might even still be around to share their wisdom on top of their seriously outdated and perhaps bigoted social norms. Because the elixir of life doesn’t exist, though, we all inevitably die at some point.

That being said, there are ways to delay one’s mortal doom. Don’t drink booze and drive. Look both ways before crossing the road. Avoid developing a substance use addiction — doubly so when it comes to hard drugs. And if there’s a dark alley down the street at night where shootouts are known to frequently occur — don’t go there!

Another important aspect of staying alive and thus being someone is maintaining good physical health. Eat healthy food, sleep 7–8 hours a day, and don’t be a couch potato 24/7. Illnesses do afflict those with healthy lifestyles, but they are less likely to occur than with people who are already sick and/or unhealthy.

Finally, take care of your mental health. While being in chipper shape mental health-wise mostly isn’t needed to simply be someone, it is undoubtedly useful for ensuring that one doesn’t spiral to the point of wanting to end themselves. Similarly, keeping one’s cognitive function in check can help reduce the risk of one making stupidly life-threatening decisions.

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By following all of these words of advice, you will secure your spot as someone in this world. Sure, you might still end up as a pretty miserable and/or shallow person. People may not even like you! But hey, at least you exist.

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

*This article is partially satire. While I do encourage a healthy lifestyle, please don’t use this article’s tone when giving out genuine advice.