EXCLUSIVE: The Pompous Post Investigates “Milton Barrington III, Esquire” - A Lawyer Who Has Failed the Bar Exam Nine Times but Refuses to Stop Practicing Law Anyway.

The Pompous Post has always stood for truth, accountability, and protecting the public from quietly confident disasters. Which brings us to Milton Barrington III, Esquire.

At first glance, Milton appears legitimate. An impeccable suit and pocket square that suggests lineage. A voice that implies oak-paneled rooms, a supple leathered smoking chair, and inherited silverware. He says “Esquire” the way some men say “Doctor.”

But after months of investigation, whispered warnings, and one deeply concerning email chain, we can confirm the following:

Milton Barrington III has failed the Bar Exam nine times. And worse… He believes the problem is the law.

A QUESTIONABLE LEGAL PEDIGREE

Milton insists he comes from “a long line of legal minds,” though records indicate this lineage may be limited to:

• A great-uncle who once watched every episode of Perry Mason.
• A distant cousin who worked adjacent to a courthouse. (ice cream shop)
• A family belief that confidence is the same as knowledge… It’s all in the delivery.

When asked about his repeated Bar Exam failures, Milton waved it off, replying:

“The BAR is mostly political,” he explained. “And frankly, it doesn’t test instinct.”

This should have been the first warning…

THE LANGUAGE PROBLEM (OR: WORDS HE FEELS SHOULD MEAN OTHER THINGS)

Milton Barrington III is not constrained by traditional legal terminology. He believes the law should sound impressive, not necessarily be impressive. For example, during one consultation, Milton assured a client that their case would be protected under:

“Posse Epiglottis.”

When gently questioned, Milton clarified:

“It’s like Posse Comitatus, but it affects the throat of the case.”

This explanation did not help the client’s confidence, nor did it help ours.

Additional documented language incidents include:

• Habeas Corpus → “Habeas Porpoise.”

“It means the case must surface eventually.”

• Voir Dire → “Vore Diary”

“It’s where we see who’s hungry for justice.”

• Pro Se → “Pro Say.”

“I’ll say it professionally for you.”

• Amicus Brief → “Amish Brief.”

“Simple. No electricity. Very traditional.”

• Statute of Limitations → “Statue of Limitations.”

(Milton gestures toward an imaginary monument.)

He delivers all of this with unwavering confidence and occasional finger guns.

COURTROOM CONDUCT INSPIRED BY CINEMA, NOT LAW

Milton’s understanding of the courtroom has been heavily shaped by cinema…specifically, Tom Cruise movies.

Milton believes:

• Standing abruptly = authority
• Raising his voice = winning
• Removing sunglasses indoors = strategy
• Shouting “OBJECTION!” without explanation = dramatic necessity

He has been removed from three courtrooms for beginning statements with:

“With all due respect, Your Honor…”

…and then never finishing the sentence.

One former bailiff described Milton as:

“A man who believes the judge is waiting for him to ‘go off script.’”

CLIENT TESTIMONIALS (LEGALLY QUESTIONABLE BUT EMOTIONALLY HONEST)

The Pompous Post reached out to several former clients about their interactions. The names have been withheld for their protection. Mostly their reputation…

1. “He said we were ‘legally vibin’, and that worried me.”
2. “He kept calling the jury ‘the audience.’”
3. “At one point, he whispered, ‘Watch this,’ before doing nothing.”
4. “He brought charts which, upon examination, were blank.”

THE SPEECH PROBLEM

Milton believes every case turns on the speech. He practices speeches in mirrors. In elevators. At stoplights and in restrooms, uncomfortably close to other males at the urinal.

Witnesses report him quietly saying:

• “You want the truth?”

To no one in particular.

During mediation, Milton once stood, adjusted his tie, and announced:

• “I rest my case.”

There was no case. The meeting had just begun. (us slapping our foreheads)

ACADEMIC EXPLANATIONS FOR FAILURE

Milton attributes his nine failed Bar Exam attempts to:

• Trick questions
• “Bad Juju.”
• The graders “not being ready.”
• Mercury is in retrograde. (once)
• A belief that multiple-choice questions are “limiting.”

He insists the tenth attempt will be different because:

“This time, I’m trusting my instincts.”

This is not comforting whatsoever.

WARNING SIGNS YOU MAY BE SPEAKING TO MILTON BARRINGTON III, ESQ.

The Pompous Post urges readers to exit immediately if a lawyer says any of the following:

1. “Let’s play this by ear, legally speaking…”
2. “The judge will respect boldness...”
3. “This reminds me of a scene from a movie…”
4. “Technically, this is a gray-ish, beige area...”
5. “I don’t want to bore you with the law...”

Especially the last one. (us shaking our collective heads)

FINAL WORD FROM THE EDITORS

We do not publish this exposé lightly. Milton Barrington III, Esquire, is not a villain.

He is something far more dangerous:

A man who sounds correct!

And in a world where confidence is often mistaken for competence, we feel it is our duty to say: Ask questions… Even uncomfortable ones. Verify credentials and never take “Trust me, bro” as one of those.

And if your lawyer adjusts his tie and whispers, “Let’s do this thing”…

Run!