We Regret to Inform You That Your Friend Is Speaking Entirely in Obscure Movie Quotes

As editors, we feel it is our responsibility... nay, our duty, to issue the following disclaimer: If you are currently friends with, related to, or standing behind a man who speaks exclusively in obscure movie quotes, we want you to know something very important.

You are not alone. And no, you are not “supposed to get it.” There is a specific type of man who believes movie quotes are a personality trait. Not popular movie quotes, which would be bad enough, but quotes from character actors. Or, little seen, abstract 'je ne sais quoi', if you will!

Not helpful ones... Not even timely ones. We’re talking about deep-cut, side-character, one-line utterances delivered with full confidence and zero context. Usually, to minimum-wage employees who did not consent to this interaction.

He does not check the room. He does not read the crowd; he can barely read his emails. He simply fires into the ether, with a lick and a promise.

INCIDENT #1: THE COFFEE DRIVE-THRU

He orders normally. Too normal. This is how they get you. “Yeah, uh, medium mocha. No whip.” The barista nods... Then, unprompted, he adds:

“I HAVE SPOKEN.”

(The Mandalorian - spoken by Kuiil, a stoic alien farmer, not a man ordering oat milk)

He drives forward in silence, satisfied with his utterance. The barista stares into the middle distance, forever changed. And not necessarily in a good way.

INCIDENT #2: THE GROCERY STORE PRODUCE AISLE

He picks up a bell pepper. Examines it. Then loudly announces:

“HASSAN… CHOP!”

(Looney Tunes - a Bugs Bunny bit from a cartoon that aired before this store was built)

No one laughs. A child drops a juice box and starts crying. Your friend nods, as if this landed exactly as intended. Two other customers put down their products and left the store.

INCIDENT #3: OPENING A STUCK JAR

This is where he thrives. After minimal effort, the lid comes off. He raises the jar slightly and says:

“There can be only one...”

(Highlander - referring to immortal sword-fighting Scotsmen, not salsa)

You say, “Cool, thanks.” He says nothing. The moment has passed, but he will think about it later, as if he's considering a follow-up. You shake your head in disbelief...

INCIDENT #4: THE HARDWARE STORE

A clerk asks if he needs help finding anything. Your friend pauses. Smiles and then says:

“I’m looking for something… heavy.”

(RoboCop - said by a murderous cyborg, not a man near PVC piping)

The clerk blinks twice and gestures vaguely toward lumber. Obviously disturbed by him and may even call law enforcement if he purchases anything sharp.

INCIDENT #5: MAKING A SALAD AT WORK

No one asked. No one needed this. As he chops vegetables for a stew, he announces:

“This is where the fun begins!”

(Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones - spoken by Anakin Skywalker moments before catastrophic decisions)

It's lettuce, bro... just... lettuce.

INCIDENT #6: SITTING DOWN TOO HARD

The chair squeaks. He exhales dramatically. Then mutters:

“I’m too old for this shit...”

(Lethal Weapon - Danny Glover, aging cop, not a man in his thirties with good knees)

HR makes a note in his personnel file and issues a pink slip preemptively.

INCIDENT #7: LEAVING A ROOM

This one happens often. Always unannounced. As he exits, he says:

“Like a fart in the wind!”

(Waterworld - Kevin Costner, post-apocalyptic drifter, not your coworker named Dave)

The door closes behind you. You consider moving so as not to smell anything, regardless of whether it's real or not.

INCIDENT #8: AIRPORT SECURITY

This is where the danger escalates. The TSA agent asks him to remove his belt. He complies... Then says:

“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”

(Jaws - a warning about a shark, not airport policy)

You do not make eye contact with anyone, much less your friend. The agent smirks as she humors his ridiculous comment but double-checks him with a metal detector wand.

INCIDENT #9: FIXING SOMETHING HE ABSOLUTELY CANNOT FIX

He tightens a screw incorrectly. Stands back and then declares:

“Task failed successfully.”

(Apollo 13 - NASA crisis context entirely missing here)

The object is worse now. And now has a stripped-out hole where the screw was supposed to go. There are no words...

INCIDENT #10: PAYING THE CHECK AT A RESTAURANT

The server hands him the receipt. He looks at the total. Smiles bravely and says:

“We’ll always have Paris.”

(Casablanca or Forget Paris - both tragic romances, not splitting appetizers)

No one knows what this means, except for him, I guess. We'll move on...

INCIDENT #11: SOMEONE ASKS HIM IF HE’S OKAY

He is not, but decides on saying:

“I’m fine. It’s just a flesh wound.”

(Monty Python and the Holy Grail - spoken by a man missing several limbs)

He has a paper cut. You laugh so hard you pee a little in your pants.

INCIDENT #12: GROUP PROJECT AT WORK

Dead silence... He breaks it with:

“Gentlemen… we can rebuild him, we have the technology.”

(The Six Million Dollar Man - about a cyborg, not a spreadsheet)

The meeting ends early. Many of the co-workers just leave with confused looks and no donuts.

INCIDENT #13: POURING A DRINK

Ice clinks. Liquid pours. And then he whispers:

“Careful… It’s alive!”

(Young Frankenstein - Mel Brooks comedy, no relevance to iced tea)

You drink anyway, with no direct eye contact.

INCIDENT #14: WHEN YOU FINALLY ASK HIM WHY HE DOES THIS

He looks at you... Truly looks. And utters:

“You wouldn’t get it.”

(Joker - said during a societal breakdown, not a BBQ)

And there it is. Another meaningless statement, manifested at the wrong time. You consider a correct time and come up with nothing...

A NOTE FROM THE EDITORS

We want to be clear: We don’t hate this man. We actually fear him. Or rather, fear FOR him. Because deep down, we all worry that one day, under the right circumstances, with the wrong audience, we might also quote something that doesn’t land.

And when that day comes, we can only hope someone gently explains the reference in parentheses to those in the proximity.

Because at The Pompous Post™, we’ve got your back... Or your front... depending on which way you are facing. (blankly staring)

🫡😆

— The Editors