Accidentally Summoning an All-Knowing Crust Lord

Kevin sat in the dark, lamenting his decision to stay up late. He sighed; another game, another loss. Hunger gnawed at his gut as he stared at the loading screen.

He was new in town and had no idea where to get good pizza—but he needed some. He clicked through the first website he found: Giorgio’s Pizza and Possibly Occult Services.

“Good enough,” he mumbled as he clicked a few buttons and placed his order. “THE OFFERING HAS BEEN ACCEPTED” flashed across his screen.

Kevin laughed, “They must have the interns doing the website, can’t even proofread properly.”

Thirty minutes later, he stepped out to accept the delivery. He had expected a typical delivery guy in a uniform shirt and beat-up car, so the hooded figure on a Vespa took him by surprise. The cloaked figure floated up the driveway and handed him a box.

Kevin took it slowly, eyes locked on the figure.

“He awakens.” The floating man whispered, barely audible.

“What? Who? “ Kevin called after him, but he was back on the Vespa and zooming off within seconds.

“I guess I’d get high and dress up, too, if I had to deliver pizza at 3:00 in the morning.” Kevin thought as he slipped back inside and set the box on the counter. Feeling less empty and alone, Kevin excitedly rubbed his hands together and whipped it open.

“What the?” He furrowed his brow as he revealed not a pizza but a large square of crust that promptly opened its eyes.

The square hoisted itself so it sat upright. “Mortal, you have summoned The Crust Lord, Grandfather of All Dough”

His voice was oddly high and squeaky for a talking pizza crust.

Kevin blinked three times, mouth hanging open. “Wait, am I high?"

“I… didn’t do that,” Kevin said, slowly backing away.

“You did, and we even confirmed your offering of $7.99. Didn’t you see the notice?”

“You mean the typo?”

“Kevin, that wasn’t a typo. We’re professionals over at Giorgio’s Pizza and Possibly Occult Services.”

“How do you know my name?”

“Once you accepted our confirmation of your offering, you became the Chosen One. Duh.” The Crust Lord gave him a pointed look. “Enough chitchat. You must complete the Pizza Trials and face the Cheese Kraken, and we’re running out of time.”

Before Kevin could react, the Crust Lord hurled the box, swallowing them into a tunnel of pineapple and pepperoni. Several seconds later, Kevin tumbled onto a fenced-in foam floor. On one side of the ring were thousands of shouting, jeering breadsticks. On the other, angry tomatoes with steam coming from their ears.

Now ten times larger, the Crust Lord knelt and whispered in Kevin’s ear, “The Sauce and Crust realms have been warring for centuries. The Cheese Kraken has demanded larger and larger garlic sacrifices to maintain peace. No one has faced him and survived. Our pizza remains eternally soggy.”

“Cheese? The what?” Kevin spun around, but the Crust Lord had disappeared.

Suddenly, the crowd quieted. Kevin heard a low rumbling. Bubbles popped loudly as marinara sauce rose from beneath his feet, pooling until he was ankle-deep. The crowd scattered as Kevin lurched forward, the sauce now at his knees.

The ground rattled as the Cheese Kraken erupted from the churning marinara, its tentacles made of thick, stretchy gouda. The smell of mouldy cheese assaulted Kevin’s nose as the monster bellowed, “How dare you trespass in the Deep Dish Depths? Prepare to be DUNKED LIKE A WAYWARD MOZARELLA STICK!"

Kevin ducked as the Kraken whipped a length of string cheese at his head.

“Kevin! Here!”

He spun around to see the Crust Lord lobbing a garlic bread lifeboat in his direction. Leaping sideways, Kevin landed in the boat as a barrage of flaming garlic knots narrowly missed him.

Picking up the sticky pretzel oars, he rowed desperately away from the Cheese Kraken. The monster responded with a roar, slamming his weight into the marinara and sending large waves toward the boat. “Ow!” Kevin shouted as a few drops of the scalding sauce landed on his bare skin, sizzling.

Fighting panic, Kevin looked around. That’s when he remembered the packet of red pepper flakes he’d ordered with the pizza. It had come in a separate bag and he'd stuffed it in his pocket before revealing the Crust Lord.

He looked behind him, the Cheese Kraken only a few feet away. He dodged one final cheese string as he ripped open the packet and hurled the flakes directly into the Kraken’s open, jeering mouth.

“NOOO!!!!!” The monster bellowed as he sank heavily to the bottom of the Deep Dish Depths. The marinara sauce cooled as the foam floor emerged, now covered in a warm, gooey pool of inanimate cheese.

The crowd returned, cheering and chanting Kevin’s name. The Crust Lord appeared again from above. “You did it! Without the burden of providing the Cheese Kraken endless cloves of garlic, the realms of Crust and Sauce can live in peace. My mission is complete, and I must return to the Ethereal Bakery. To express our deepest gratitude, we present you with this.”

The Crust Lord bowed as the sea of breadsticks and tomatoes followed suit. Kevin gingerly took the golden plaque from the Crust Lord’s outstretched arm.

“Please enjoy one free pizza weekly for the rest of your life. Limit two toppings per pizza.”

“Well, one thing’s for sure, I’m never ordering extra cheese again,” Kevin said with a chuckle as he looked up from the golden coupon. His smile faded as he realized he stood in his kitchen again, all alone.

He glanced at the microwave, which read 3:25 am. The pizza box sat open on the table, a single slice missing.

Kevin shrugged and picked up another slice, bringing it to his mouth. Right before he took a bite, a voice, soft as melted cheese but heavy with ancient knowledge, slithered into his ear.

“The crust remembers.”