8 Reasons Why I Can't Be Your Witness in Court

If you’re facing time behind bars and need a reliable witness who can potentially save your ass, do not call me. Repeat, DO NOT call me to the stand. Doesn’t matter if I was there and you think I spied everything with my little eyes. I will not help. I will make things worse. Very likely unintentional, but nonetheless devastating to your case.

I've listed just some of the many reasons why I cannot be trusted as your witness.

I Ain’t No Snitch

Plain and simple, I saw nothing, heard nothing, remembered nothing, and didn't know anyone in the courtroom. Not even my ‘alleged” mama. Snitches get stitches, and I prefer my skin blemish-free, thank you very much. Mind my business in most situations. It's my motto in life.

I’ll Have a Migraine

Since age 19, I get a serious migraine every single time I’ve been inside a courtroom. I wasn’t even the defendant in most of those appearances. It’s been a while since I’ve been inside a courtroom, but I do expect the same nauseating pain. I’m a HUGE toddler when in pain, and certainly could do nothing more for your case than attempt to whine and snot-nose cry prosecutors into submission and get 5 extra years added to your sentence.

I’m Not Paying Attention

I can stare directly at someone and not see a damn thing they are doing because my mind is a million miles away thinking about weird shit, like something I should have said during that argument in ‘19. Multi-tasking is my thing. Observing? Not so much.

I’m Blind as a Bat

“Ma’am, can you describe the person?”

What person? I didn’t know anyone was here.

I DO NOT Want The Smoke

Did you rip off the Cartel? Piss off a Blood, Crip, MS-13 member, or very powerful person? Do better with your life and keep me out of your nonsense. Should not have upset them. I’m not losing sleep, or worse, getting diced up and stored in a deep freezer while on livestream for anyone.

I Can’t Remember Shit

Time? Sometime before 3 p.m. That’s the best I can do.

Date? It was Friday or Saturday. Saturday, I think. No, wait, had to be Friday because I wasn’t there on Saturday. No, no, no; now I remember. It was Sunday because I was not there on Friday or Saturday. Sorry.

Unreliable as fuck.

Details? I’ll forget something and need to retell my version 25 times, but will still leave out important details. I smoke way too much weed to be trusted to be a key witness in any type of criminal case.

I’m Not Good Under Pressure

I’m horrible under pressure. Ask anyone who knows me.

My son grabbed the phone out of my hand when I wanted to call 9-1-1 after the gas water heater burst.

Would you really trust me to be cool, calm, and collected enough to testify on your behalf?

I Would Say Something Unnecessary

We used to call my type “no filter,” but I’m not hip to its current term. Whatever the word might be, rest assured, I’ll say whatever comes to mind before my brain has time to stop my mouth. It’s too late. I’ve made myself look like a fool and perhaps made things worse for you.

BONUS

If it's not clear enough from the points above, the final reason I should never be trusted as a court witness: I don’t wanna be in the drama. I like my peace, sanity, and boring, drama-free life. I’ll keep minding my business over here.

Better Call Jesus

So, remember, when you need a person who has your back when shit goes down, better call Jesus. You do not want me on your side.