DEAR POMPOUS...

The Pompous Post Editorial Board receives many letters.

Most are polite. Some are alarming. A few appear to have been written moments before a major life decision.

In the spirit of public service, and against the advice of several reasonable adults, we are delighted to introduce “Dear Pompous”. Think, Dear Abby, but with more toilet jokes. In this recurring advice column, we address your concerns with the confidence of experts and the credentials of a man who once skimmed a Reader’s Digest.

Please remember: We are not therapists. We are not lawyers. We are barely able to string together coherent sentences. With that said, let’s help…

LETTER #1: THE EMAIL THAT WILL NOT DIE

Dear Pompous,

I received an email at work three weeks ago that I fully intended to respond to. I read it. I thought about it. Then I didn’t reply. Now it’s been so long that replying feels impossible. Is there a point where it’s better to just pretend it never happened?

— Respectfully Avoiding Accountability

DEAR AVOIDING,

First, thank you for your honesty.

Second, congratulations, you are now entering The Email Event Horizon. A well-documented phenomenon where time bends, responsibility dissolves, and “I’ll reply later” starts to encompass other aspects of your life.

At this stage, you have three options, none of which are ideal, all of which are still socially acceptable:

Option A: The Casual Amnesia Reply

You respond now as if no time has passed.

“Hey! Just circling back on this.”

This approach relies on confidence and a shared lie. If executed properly, both parties will silently agree to never acknowledge the gap. This is how civilization has functioned since the beginning of time. The only difference is that, back in the day, it was a contract for purchasing a goat. Don’t ask…

Option B: The Apology Essay (We Don’t Recommend This)

You first explain why you didn’t reply. This is a trap. No one needs your backstory.

No one wants your backstory or the apologetic context that ensues. The email did not ask to be born...

Option C: The Strategic Non-Response

You do nothing and allow the universe to decide. Become one with the abyss… This works 78% of the time, especially if the sender also hates emails and has since forgotten why they reached out.

Our recommendation:

Reply now. Keep it short. Act like an adult who definitely meant to do this all along.

If questioned, simply say:

“Yeah, it’s been a week.”

No one will challenge this. We are pretty sure it’s a law in a few states. Hope this helps. — Dear Pompous

LETTER #2: THE FRIEND WHO NEVER LEAVES

Dear Pompous,

I have a friend who comes over and never seems to leave. They linger. They sit back down. They start new topics. I don’t hate them, but I do want my house back. Is there a polite way to end these visits without faking a medical emergency?

— Hostage in My Own Living Room

DEAR HOSTAGE,

You are not alone. This is a classic overstayer scenario, and history shows that politeness has never defeated it.

People who linger are powered by:

• One more story
• One more thought
• One more “Anyway…”

Subtle hints rarely seem to work. Yawning is ignored, standing up is interpreted as enthusiasm, and it gives them carte blanche to continue. You must escalate!

Phase 1: Environmental Cues

Begin turning off lights… Lower the thermostat or increase it as needed.

Put dishes away aggressively… If your guest does not react, proceed immediately to Phase 2.

Phase 2: Verbal Bookends

Say phrases like:

“Well, this has been great.”

“I should probably start winding down.”

“Tomorrow’s coming fast, I’ve got to get up early.”

If they are still unresponsive and respond with a new anecdote, abandon hope and proceed to Phase 3.

Phase 3: The Direct-but-Polite Exit

Look them in the eye and say:

“Alright, I’m going to call it a night.”

This sentence is not a suggestion. It is a curtain call.

If all else fails, fake a chore:

“I need to shower.”

“I forgot I have laundry.”

“I just remembered I exist alone.”

They will leave. And if they don’t? They live there now. Hope this helps… — Dear Pompous

LETTER #3: THE GROUP TEXT NIGHTMARE

Dear Pompous,

I’m in a group text that started for a specific purpose and now will not stop. It has memes, side conversations, and people I barely know reacting to things at 6 a.m. Is there an acceptable way to escape without announcing it dramatically?

— Muted But Still Afraid

DEAR AFRAID,

Group texts are modern folklore. They begin with hope and end with silence, punctuated by one man named Greg aggressively asking, “How did you get my number!?”

Your instinct to flee is correct. Here are your socially sanctioned exit strategies, ranked by effectiveness:

Strategy #1: The Silent Fade (Recommended)

Mute the thread. Never speak again. Remain technically present but spiritually gone.

This is the most common method and carries no penalties.

Strategy #2: The Polite Withdrawal

You announce:

“Hey all, going to hop out of this thread!”

Usually followed by “got to get the kids” or “dogs” or whatever noun is appropriate. Don’t use “gotta check the mail” or “need to refill my Chinchilla’s dust bath”. Make sure it involves something substantial. This is bold but acceptable. It signals boundaries and maturity. No one will stop you. Some will envy you.

Strategy #3: The Accidental Escape

• Change phones.
• Claim you didn’t get messages.
• Blame technology.
• Technology will accept responsibility.

Do not:

• Explain your reasons
• Apologize excessively
• Announce your departure like a resignation letter

No one needs closure here. Respect others as you respect yourself. Leave quietly. Mute confidently. Live freely. Hope this helps… — Dear Pompous

A FINAL NOTE FROM THE EDITORS

If today’s advice resonated with you, unsettled you, or made you uncomfortable in a “why is this accurate?” way… good! That means it’s working.

“Dear Pompous” exists to answer the questions you can’t ask out loud, using logic that sounds official but should not be trusted.

If you have a problem, big or small, personal or absurd, we invite you to write in.

We can’t promise good advice. But we can promise confidence while answering. And isn’t that the greatest gift of all!?

Write us… We’re standing by, with fingers poised above the keyboard.

— The Editors, The Pompous Post™