Why You Should Not Always Forgive the Person Who Offended You

Forgiveness is a rather complicated concept, which includes several components that form your vision of yourself: responsibility, character, and morality.

When you are told to forgive, you are thus asked to act in a certain way, as if in this way you would remove guilt not only from the offender but also from yourself.

Following the popular advice to forgive all bad things promises you liberation from the past, from suffering, and all bad memories. However, when you find yourself in control of the deep negative emotions caused by betraying someone and at the same time believe that the only possible way to forgive sins is to forgive the offender, you are on a dangerous path.

So, if you feel that you cannot sincerely forgive a person, your life is overshadowed by shame and guilt that you cannot forgive, which only leads to even greater despair.

The truth is that in some situations there is no need to forgive at all and especially because forgiveness is a complex psychological phenomenon, which depends on both situational and personal factors.

For example, according to the results of two studies by Mccullough, masculinity and emotional lability are associated with healing, which in turn is associated with an inability to forgive, a tendency to constantly think of resentment, and increased negative emotionality. dissatisfaction with life. Some people, depending on their personality type, are simply less able to forgive.

Forgiveness can also depend on the situation. An excellent example is how easy it is to forgive a person if they sincerely repent. I assume that this is directly related to the development of the offender as a person: repentance suggests that the person has finally realized his or her own mistake.

And self-recognition is proof of redemption: cognitive awareness of the offensive nature of one's act and the excuse for it show that the offender understands his role and responsibility to cause suffering to another person. The belief that the offender will stumble again is very weak, given that he also suffered from his behavior (this should discourage him from any desire to create a similar situation again, not just for someone else, but for himself).

What if a person shows no remorse and does not admit guilt? Before his crucifixion, Jesus uttered the following words: "Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." This example of compassion suggests that forgiveness is possible through empathy. And if a person is unaware of the consequences of his actions and the suffering they cause, forgiveness is justified.

But what forgiveness is not justified is pathetic. When you do not see any remorse and a person enjoys the sight of your suffering, there is no need to forgive him at all. It is difficult for many of us to accept that someone close to us may intentionally hurt us while enjoying our suffering.

Clients often tell me about the bullying they experienced and how they were abused as a child and almost forgive the idea of ​​forgiveness: "I know I should forgive him" or "I don't know how to forgive him." These words are very powerful because they contain a concept that attacks the will of an injured person, including his vision of himself, self-esteem, understanding of the world, of people, and, of course, of himself.

But is it necessary to forgive? No, you just have to understand and accept what happened and then bring the criminal to justice, even if his accusation is made in a conversation with a psychologist or friends.

You just have to be more discriminating with the help you render toward other people.

Forgiveness is an emotional and psychological phenomenon that is evolutionary and allows you to function as a trustworthy society. In most cases, forgiveness is a healthy, necessary, and recommended response to resentment. However, sometimes the refusal to forgive is even stronger, at the same time drawing lessons from your suffering and using it for your further growth and development.