The Raw Truth About Life After Domestic Violence

It’s been almost 4 years since I escaped the horrors of domestic violence. It did not play out like you may have seen on TV shows and movies. Every person's journey is different, and healing is a process. In my experience of what I’ve gone through along with others, I have witnessed many things that we need to address. I believe it's time we take a more brutally honest approach to what got us here and what we can do moving forward.

Listen To The Warning Signs

One thing I want to make clear is that I’m not blaming the victims; it’s absolutely not their fault what happened. Monsters often take their time to reveal themselves. Most of the time, when you look back, there were signs that went unnoticed or worse, ignored. From gut feeling to concerned friends and family, there is always some tell if you’re paying attention. For example, in my case, I sent a text with “lol” at the end, the freak out my ex had should have told me right away, but I DIDN’T LISTEN. I own up to this and take full accountability for not being aware. My friend told me that it was a red flag. Many more people would go on to tell me things weren’t right. I failed to listen, which ultimately pushed my friends away. It wasn’t always bad, which was why I overlooked things. He would get drunk, destroy the house, and the next morning it would be as if nothing had happened. I blamed the alcohol at the time; however, it was always in him booze just intensified it. It got to the point where I was covering up holes in the walls with pictures and posters. If you ever go into a house with pictures in odd places, it's most likely to hide something. I had a poster covering a hole at waist level, which is not a normal spot to hang decor. By the end, he had filmed himself burning my clothes that he later posted on social media. The whole mess could have been avoided if I had simply listened!

Realizing The Reality

The first step is waking up, which is also the hardest one. Once I started putting two and two together, that what I was going through wasn’t normal, I still wasn’t fully sure. I started to reach out to my friends again. As they reentered my life, I started to see the bigger picture. Finally, I started to listen to others' feedback. When I was finally ready to leave, it was still very dangerous. After he burned my stuff, I was able to get a protection order, which lasts for 5 years before I will have to renew it. He tried showing up at my work and, for a while, was driving by my house. He has stalked my friends, and I have heard that he is in and out of jail nowadays. The most dangerous times are right before and right after you leave. Be safe, Stay Strong. After the court order was set, it was time to start life again. One of the first things I did when I returned to my house was I moved into a different bedroom (My house is a 3-bedroom). I threw out his items that were left behind ( He was allowed to get his stuff while I was at work). As time passed, I began to see how much of my life had been wasted getting drunk with him. I went to work, came home, and would drink alone, get up, and repeat. I was away from him, but still had a drinking problem. Before I was in that relationship, I definitely drank, but not to the extent that I did once I was with him. I bring up the drinking because every time he did something fucked up, I blamed the alcohol. I was a high-functioning alcoholic for many years. I went to work, did a great job. I took care of my children and was a good mom. Most of the time, people couldn’t tell if I was drinking; however, with him, it was different. Sometimes it would be okay, but over time, he became scary when drinking. After being away from him and feeling lost in life, I would drink all day and self-isolate. I finally connected the dots, and I finally addressed that I had a problem. January 18th, 2024, was my first day alcohol free. Once I quit drinking, I was extremely bored, so I began to work out and study. These are all positive things that I am grateful to be doing that have led to many good things now, but it took a while to get there.

What Hides In The Dark Comes To Light

To say I was angry is an understatement. I was full of blind rage, which was amplified once one of my best friends, Dainara, was murdered. Over time, I started to see the truth. I saw women still stuck in abusive relationships with no other options. Where I’m from, most people end up pregnant with kids very young. I have been at work where couples openly fight while selecting their weed ( I’m a seasoned Budtender). I know people who are in bad relationships that justify their abusers, but will not listen to their friends (similar to my situation). Everywhere I went, there were reminders of domestic violence, which everyone was turning a blind eye to. I became angrier at society and shut everything out. After Dainara’s death, I lost it. I survived, but she didn’t. I walked through my house and threw away anything remaining that was from my ex. My hatred of the situation began to consume me. To distract my mind, I started to read more books. One I highly recommend is In Defense of Witches: The Legacy of the Witch Hunts and Why Women Are Still On Trial by Mona Chollet. It explains why women deal with the issues we deal with today. Another book I highly recommend is The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood; it’s fiction, but a very important read. As I started to learn more about what women are up against, the more I saw a need to make a difference. If we can educate women to be strong and confident in their choices while also holding themselves accountable, we will be able to stop domestic violence before it happens. We need to teach people how to identify a good partner from a toxic one and what gets us into these predicaments to begin with.

Bright Future

It gets better with time, as does anything. I decided that the best thing I could do giving the situation is to try to make a difference. I created a petition on change.org in honor of Dainara to mandate the legal name change of domestic violence murder victims, http://change.org/dainaraslaw. In doing that, I saw a need for a new approach in spreading awareness about domestic violence. My goal is to help others see the truth and not run from it, like I did in the past. I have started Rainbow of Angel as a domestic violence awareness project. DvAwarenessNow is the social media handle I use. The main focus is getting Dainara’s Law passed and spreading awareness. I’m also in the process of creating another branch of Rainbow of Angel to address the issue in a more raw form. I will be releasing the name of the project and the mission statement in the near future. As for me, I am now in a good place in life, have an interest in an amazing man who has his priorities straight, who I’m pretty sure is interested in me, and have many great things to look forward to. If I can overcome it, so can you. Stay safe!

Always remember that silence equals violence; speak up, it may save your life. Please get help if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource for help. https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799–7233. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. There are multiple agencies out there that are more than willing to help. Most of all, trust your gut. Safety comes first. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not.