Why Individuals Enter Abusive Relationships

(Trigger warning: This article covers the topic of domestic violence. If you or someone you know needs help, please get in touch with the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799- 7233)

Domestic Violence is a common occurrence in the United States. According to the CDC, about 41% of women and 26% of men have experienced some form of intimate partner violence. This does not surprise me. Almost every woman I know has been in a relationship where there was domestic violence. From firsthand experience, I was in a relationship for over thirteen years that became increasingly dangerous. Fortunately, I was able to escape. Sadly, one of my best friends, Dainara, didn’t make it out. She was shot and murdered in cold blood by her husband. He went on to dispose of her body in the trash. Their five children were home when this happened. I escaped; she did not, and that is why I am sharing my story now. Silence only leads to violence; it’s time to take action. So why does this happen?

#1. We’re not educated about what healthy relationships are

Not to say that we don’t see healthy relationships here and there. My own parents have been married for over 50 years. To my knowledge, they have a healthy relationship. However, they are among the very few I know that do. Even though I grew up in a non-domestic violence house, I fell in with dangerous men. The last ex love-bombed me. At the time, I didn’t realize or even know what that meant. When I first said I love you to him was out of obligation. Without me asking, he bought me brand new tires for my car. I barely knew him. This is how I got trapped. It’s impossible to know for sure how each relationship will play out. Always trust your gut and pay attention. One time, the same ex once blew up my phone with aggressive text because I responded “LOL” to one of his jokes. He claimed he didn’t know what it meant and thought I was mocking him. That was the first red flag I ignored, even after multiple friends telling me something was off. Should have left then. Eventually, I was isolated from my friends and began to internalize everything.

#2. Pressures of Society

The pressures of the status of a relationship were what pushed me into abusive relationships. In both of these, I thought that it came out of nowhere, but the truth was there right from the beginning. I just didn’t see or want to see it. Another example of this is a couple of months after I was with him, he became comfortable asking my grandma to borrow money. So why didn’t I leave? All my friends told me to, because he looked attractive. We took great pictures together, and I was able to portray the life that I believed I was supposed to have. Had I taken things slow and respected myself, I may have made wiser decisions. We see glamorous-looking relationships on TV and social media, but we don’t see what goes on behind the scenes. Often we don’t listen to our friends and family's concerns due to varying reasons (e.g,” Jealousy” or “ We just know”), which in my experience and of watching others, never ends well. Most adults who are childless will be constantly asked when they are planning to get married and have children, which places more social pressure just to settle.

#3. They become ashamed of the situation

Oftentimes, others see the issues immediately and will try everything to talk the person they care about out of the relationship. Regrettably, most don’t listen. The first time something happens, it’s overlooked. Eventually, more abuse slowly starts happening. This is where silence equals violence; the victim shuts down and begins justifying the abuser in their own mind. They become ashamed and embarrassed, believing it’s their fault. Many times, they will start to disconnect from friends and family and other daily activities. Also, another common sign is that they will seem to overpraise their partner. Credit them with any personal achievement as a way to deflect from questions. Personal experience and what many others have told me, they will cover up the abuse. For example, I would put posters and picture frames over holes in the wall caused by my ex.

#4. Isolated from friends and family

At some point, the abusive partner will keep the victim away from the people closest to them. People who are most likely to ask questions. Many times, the abuser will promise to cover everything financially to ease the stress. In reality, this is a tactic to keep the victim at home and away from others, sometimes to another state across the country. This is what happened to Dainara. Another technique is to tell the victim that their friends are bad influences to be around. Will begin questioning texts and plans. Sometimes the controlling partner will text the victim the whole time that they are out and demand a picture as proof of their whereabouts (this happened to Dainara and me).

#5. No options after the abuse starts

Every relationship is different; there is no way of knowing for sure. Many times, the victims don’t see it until many years later. At this point, their lives are built around their partners’ routine and schedule. Frequently, they move in together right away. Some give up their dreams and occupations in order to please their partner. Once the truth reveals itself, they have nowhere to go. In many of these situations, the abusive partner is the one controlling the money. Homes, cars, bank accounts, and other assets are also in their significant other’s name. Leaving them with no alternatives if they decide to leave.

#6. Baby trapped and family obligations

Not that children aren’t wonderful blessings, they truly are. In this matter, the most obvious is that once a child(or children) comes into the picture, the victim becomes more at risk. Now stuck constantly caring for the kid, their partner has even more of a reason to isolate. The controlling partner will often never help with childcare. Not allowing the mother time away to see friends and family. Homicide is the number one cause of death among pregnant women. Domestic abuse was a factor in 45.3% of pregnant women who were murdered or murdered within a year of becoming pregnant, according to the CDC. If they survive, their lives are controlled by the gust of family obligations. Another factor is that many view their pets as children. They will stay to protect the animal’s life.

#7. Lifestyle changes and stat

This one may not seem as important it’s still worth discussing. Safety should always come before worldly possessions, yet victims frequently lack clarity of thought and adhere to a comfortable routine or way of life. Breakups and divorces can be life-altering. It may be hard to downgrade from a nice house to an apartment, but your life is far more worth it. Additionally, it may entail starting again from scratch with nothing. The victim may feel overwhelmed about what to do. I admit that I was guilty of not wanting to end the relationship because I honestly didn’t know what to do and thought it was too late. By the way, there is always time to make the positive changes you need in your life. If you stay in the light, the future is bright.

#8. Second-guessing themselves

Even if a victim figures out what’s going on or slowly sees the signs and ignores them, they now have to come to terms with the truth. Questions will arise. Their partner will try to convince them that they are confused and not remembering things correctly. Going as far as to claim events never happened. To keep control the abuser will tell them they are overreacting and being too sensitive. The trauma-bonding that has occurred with the victim and abuser due to isolation will also keep them stuck.

#9. Find a safe way out and be believed

It’s difficult and frequently unsafe for victims to leave when they’re ready to. Right before is often a dangerous time, as something has led to the events that the victim can now fully see the picture. The weeks and months that follow are the riskiest because the abuser is feeling out of control and wants retribution, according to research. For a variety of reasons, the victim could not have any money or resources, or even a place to go. Many times, the abuser has moved them away to where help is not easily available. After years of seclusion, the victim frequently no longer communicates with people they used to be close to, and many are not aware of the existence of domestic abuse organizations. There might be kids to think about. How will they stay safe? Once a victim finds help, they often worry that no one will believe them. Some may say that they are over exaggerating the situation. In my situation, I had budtended for many years in Washington state in the cannabis industry. Once I reported my ex to the police ( he had burned my clothes in a video he posted on his Instagram), they blamed me for working in a marijuana store.

#10. Fear of the unknown and having to restart

What happens after leaving? In certain cases, the now-survivor has probably not been alone in many years. Some have to begin anew, needing to locate a job and a place to live, as well as to mend friendships and win back family trust. Those who are fortunate to have help still have to get back on their feet quickly, especially if children are involved. Although most people can and do assist, they also have lives to live as the survivor attempts to regain theirs. Additionally, some survivors are more likely to fall for another controlling spouse or return to their abusers. While attempting to start over, the survivor will also need to deal with the long-term ramifications of the trauma.

What can we do to prevent this?

Silence is the first step toward violence. Please get help if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse. National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great resource for help. https://www.thehotline.org/ 1–800–799–7233. Don’t hesitate to reach for help. There are multiple agencies out there that are more than willing to help. Education and awareness are the next steps; the more we know what to look for, the more we can change the situation. Children learn by watching, so teach them how to connect and form healthy relationships. Most of all, trust your gut.Safety comes first. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s not. Give yourself time to recover and reflect on the past.Follow @dvawarenessnow on Instagram to learn more about domestic violence.

https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/survivors-in-isolation-abusers-separate-victims-from-everyone-for-power-and-control

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/201902/how-domestic-abusers-groom-and-isolate-their-victims?msockid=0fda43fb26cc6d5c3ddb55f6270b6c5d

https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/violence-and-pregnancy.html

https://vawnet.org/sites/default/files/assets/files/2016-09/DVPregnancy.pdf

https://domesticabuseshelter.org/domestic-violence/

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/ending-domestic-violence/a-guide-to-gaslighting

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202505/abuse-doesnt-always-stop-when-the-relationship-ends#:~:text=Research%20shows%20that%20the%20most%20dangerous%20time%20for,of%20control%20and%20often%20a%20desire%20for%20revenge.?msockid=0fda43fb26cc6d5c3ddb55f6270b6c5d

https://womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave

https://www.thehotline.org/