The Power of Knowing Your Love Language

Do you say it with flowers or do you do the dishes

By Chantal Christie WeissPublished about an hour ago • 5 min read

“Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruellest of punishments,” — Gary Chapman

My partner's mother isn't at all comfortable with being tactile, so hugs weren't a natural part of his growing up. He was also somewhat institutionalised when he joined the military at just sixteen, serving a total of twenty-three years.

When I met him eleven years ago, I was bowled over by how he would whisk me off to fine restaurants, give me generous gifts, expensive flowers, and always want to hold my hand. Still, when we were in private, he appeared aloof and wouldn't easily cuddle up to me or have any desire to hug or lovingly touch me outside of intimacy. He thought I was criticising him when I used to get upset at his seeming coldness.

I felt like there was something wrong with me and with us. My ex-boyfriend, whom I had dated before my partner, enjoyed snuggling up, cuddling and was always touchy-feely with me. And so, I couldn't help but compare how different and awkward my new relationship with my partner's two extremes of affection.

Reflecting on my past relationships, I felt a sense of self-worth and validation when a boyfriend was openly adoring me, and my partner showed his love in practical ways, not being familiar with diving in deep. I had been insecure from my dysfunctional upbringing and needed reassurance, and my partner's self-sufficiency from military life was triggered by my supposed neediness to even the depth of my questions.

In the desire to love one another with more compassion and understanding, we came to realise, after breaking up and getting back together too many times, that we needed help; we were going round in circles. And so, with the support of a couple's therapist, we worked together on getting to the roots of why we clashed and why we were emotionally shutting down on one another for big chunks of time.

I came to see that even though I had a painful and troubled past, I had been given hugs from my mother, was a mother myself to a daughter, and experienced deeper questions and curiosity about life. My partner, having experienced trauma, loss, and grief growing up, experienced a different set of family dynamic coping skills. They didn't talk; they buried it. He also hasn't had children.

I'm spiritual, as well as being an intuitive massage therapist , so I am naturally inquisitive about my world, creative and touchy-feely. My partner loves me with a different set of skills. He is more practical, generous, and kind. He often treats me and provides for me , as well as offering a listening ear and being a great encourager , as I stumble through my writing career and look for work.

Now that I have more clarity about our roots and influences, I can see his love language for what it is, and not for what it isn't - in the tactile sense. And since therapy, he has grown to acknowledge and accept that my love language is affection, and not all about being needy. He is even more open to my hugs now, whereas before, they felt foreign, awkward and odd to him.

Adults have been brought up with different and, at most times, conflicting ways of being shown love by their parents. The differences are as frustrating as attempting to have a conversation with someone who speaks a foreign language to you. You are both unable to communicate, even though you are both having the same conversation.

And so, identifying our partner's love language can help us discern the relationship's frictions, connect deeper, and possess perception and acceptance of how the people in our lives show their style of love.

Baptist minister, Gary Chapman Ph.D., authored The Five Love Languages in 1992. In 2019, it landed as a top seller in its category of Love and Relationships.

The five love languages he derived are:

Words of affirmation
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch
Acts of service

Words of affirmation

You show your love through meaningful words of appreciation, compliments, and I love you(s). Words of encouragement and being kind naturally flow from you. You adore receiving sweet, loving notes from them or sending thoughtful texts, and if unkind and rude words are exchanged, it affects you deeply. It may be that this is your partner's love language and that they show their love in this manner.

Receiving gifts

This love language is for a person who shows their appreciation and love by offering tokens of gifts. It is not about a material issue but more about the thought and intention behind the gift. It could be simply a bar of chocolate that comes from a place of love. If this is your love language, you will find that you are more hurt and affected by forgotten special anniversaries or birthdays.

Quality time

This is the love language for people who feel it is paramount to prioritise quality time with their loved ones or partners by providing a healthy amount of undivided and dedicated attention - minus distractions. This also means listening attentively and making eye contact. And so, if you find you are drawn to this style of communication of love, it may explain why you feel upset over dates that are postponed or cancelled.

Physical touch

I adore this language and not to be confused with intimacy, although it is part and part, overall , it involves tender gestures. For example, cuddling up together on the sofa, hand holding, warm hugs, and perhaps even giving a massage or a back scratch. Neglect and abuse in a relationship for a person with this love language would be damaging.

Acts of service

This is love in action. You or your partner may show love by cooking breakfast, washing the dishes, or filling up the car with fuel. There are many ways we can show love with action; nonetheless, it is a love that wants to ease and share the responsibilities. A person who loves with this style of love language would struggle if their loved one were lazy or inattentive.

Although we may love from the stance of all five love languages, we will resonate strongly with one in particular. Examine your childhood and see how your parents loved you, or perhaps even what relationship hurt you the most. What can you learn from that? What is your first instinct when it comes to how you love a partner or even a friend? Chat with your partner or even carry out the free love language test here.

Chapman wrote that every person has a love tank, and every couple's love tanks are filled with regular emotional connections; ergo, drained by our disconnections. Understanding and accepting our partner's style will deepen these connections. After all, love isn't just about a feeling , it's about commitment, acceptance, and compromise.