THE MASKED.-

THE MASKED.- My own bullshit exposed!

I often say how much I hate macho toxic culture.

Then stupidly do or say something toxicly bullshit macho - sometimes in the same bloody sentence.

But I AM trying to be better than that.

This is hard to write but if I really want a 'safer for women' and less 'toxic male' world. Then I have to bury my pride, lose the ego and make it start with me.

So as part of my commitment to. "Ruthlessly and brutally kicking the crap out of myself in public when I fall below my own standards"

Let's compare the macho masquerade to the 'beatle on its back' reality.

Part 1: The bullshit disguise:

I refuse to talk to or be in the same room as my ex Ever again.

Even if that means missing the weddings of my children and the christenings of my grandchildren.

She will never be forgiven.

I will make my final words on my deathbed cursing her name.

And if I die before she does - keep her the hell away from my funeral!!

Part 2: The hard to admit reality.

Even if Anger and Forgiveness were not a factor.

Going to a "her" public event still seems like asking too much.

Baring in mind how anxious and uncomfortable I can be an a normal crowd anyway.

But even if I was having 'a good mental health day' I am still being asked to face a load of pain and humiliation.

To go to an event where I get judged, pitied and patronised.

Going to an event, Alone, In my best charity shop clothes, and standing awkwardly around people who don't want me there.

While my ex and her new bloke are dressed nicely, seeing them smile and hold each other's hands.

Seeing the man I was dumped for, who will be thinner, better looking, more successful and more emotionally stable than me.

Being reminded what a failure and how much of a loser I am.

Have it rubbed in my face that I was "never good enough",

And having to force a smile as I have to suffer the charity, of the odd social equivalent, of being patronisingly patted on the head.

And have to face all that, (again alone), for hours,

Before having to take some early public transport, to look at a wall at "home", with no one to confide in what a nightmare I just endured.

I do not think that's a fair ask!

I am already defeated enough,

I have suffered enough.

I should not have to have extra helpings of humiliation, humble N' shit pie.

I am not trying to punish anyone, I just want to survive.

Maybe it's not about revenge, maybe it's just self-defence?

Maybe it's not pride or incel-style nastiness. - Maybe that's just the mask I'm using because I don't want to look that pathetically helpless?

In all honesty.

The idea TERRIFIES me.

I am shit scared!

I might be a coward, - but this seems like a hell of a lot of courage that is being asked for, by relative stranger bystanders who do not have to pay any, not a single teardrop penny, of the emotional costs.

Why am I a bad person for not wanting to eat more pain?

The Answer:

I did this.

It is my fault:

I invited people to see me as a "bad person",

Because part of our shared, awful "boys don't cry" legacy is that, for men, being seen as an "Evil Man" is far more acceptable than being seen as a "vulnerable, honest and hurt human being".