The Dark Night of My Soul

I was alone on Thanksgiving.

I received no gifts for Christmas.

I received no hugs or kisses at midnight on NYE to bring in 2025.

And then, earlier this week, two days before my 64th birthday...

I got into another fight with the man I adore {De}. He was drunk and wouldn't give me a chance to speak. I became very agitated... and then angry.

His best friend backed him up this time. It felt like I was being double-teamed, ganged up on.

I'm bipolar and the drugs aren't working to control my mood swings.

When I lose my temper, I'm a madman. I rant and rave and scream.

I never hit people.

But I pound on things, and slam doors, and try to punch holes in walls.

This time I didn't injure myself, but in the past, I've broken bones in my fists.

So I left the house the only way I could think of, in the heat of the moment.

I called 911 and said I was suicidal.

I've done that a total of two times because I couldn't chill my fury.

I have no friends or family. It's too cold to walk the neighborhood, like I did last autumn.

I had nowhere else to go.

I was so stupid this time! After the fight escalated, the man I love switched in temperament and was trying to calm me down... but it was too late because I was then angry at his/our friend. We were yelling at each other.

I spent the night in the E.R. on 12/27/24.

I spent the night in the E.R. on 1/25/25.

My birthday was 1/27/25; it was also my late mother's birthday.

I came home and neither of them said a word to me.

It's always my fault, when I fly off the hook.

And I get it.

But they are never sorry for upsetting me, or at least they never say they are.

I don't understand what I did, why he fell out of love with me!

I have epilepsy. The seizures destroy my memory.

I gave up all alcohol, but I haven't given up weed. I'm a fool. In addition to the seizures, cannabis also decimates my memory, especially my short-term memory. Having a shitty memory shreds a healthy relationship.

It's hard to learn lessons and correct behavior when you can't remember what you did!

Tonight, we I talked.

He just listened.

I told him so much about the last couple months, about how lonely and disconnected I've felt. I remember what it used to be like when he did love me.

Before I gave my impromptu speech, it started with me spontaneously saying I love him.

There was a two-minute pause before he said he loved me too.

I said, "Are you sure?"

He said, "Yes. I'll always love you."

I read that as: he doesn't love me now! ⚡😭😭😭

I'm so difficult! I overthink! I overreact! I dwell and brood and circle over and over and over the same old territory in my brain and in our conversations.

I'm alone so much.

Honestly, Vocal is my only comfort. My writing is the only thing that distracts my mind (except for music).

De is 27 years younger than me!!! He needs a man who's healthy! Someone who is cheery! Someone who never brings him down when he comes home after long hours of work, the way I often darken his life.

What do I do now that the great love of my life will soon be gone?

I was with a woman for 20+ years until she passed away. I met this gorgeous black man two months after I found her dead in her bed.

I never dreamed in a gazillion years that I'd ever fall in love with a man!

I'm bisexual, but I always craved a "conventional lifestyle." That wouldn't be a betrayal of my identity. I'm equally attracted to both sexes. I thought I'd marry a blonde woman, that I'd have kids, and grandkids by now.

But I freakin' adore De and have no regrets (other than the shit I did that lost him.)

He's a Capricorn. I'm an Aquarius. I suppose that was my downfall right there. He cares more about his career than about relationships, except for his bond with his mother and his best boo.

I was always low on his priority list, while he's highest on mine.

He's got superhero legs.

He's got a movie star face.

The instant that I saw his eyes and his smile, I was lost.

_____It was love at first sight.

_____💙+💚 =💘 ⚡

I'm not proud of the way I act when I lose my temper. Far from it. I beat myself up afterwards.

Lately, because I've felt our connection is more and more broken— I've lashed out when I'm hurt, calling him horrible names. I have a few limits I never cross, but still— I'm obscene, disrespectful, just foul. I was talking about my cussing tonight (after crying and whining and moaning as I told him what was on my soul) and I said, "I only lash out like that when I'm hurt, right?"

He said, "That's the problem. You're hurt way too often."

______BOOM!!!!! 🤯

That makes total sense to me.

These unpredictable mood swings of mine, with anger coming out of nowhere... that's gotta get old.

Five years we've been together. I know he fell out of love with me months ago. But I've still been desperately hanging on to hope....

Until now.

I spiral from "I won't be defeated" through "I don't want to live anymore" and back again.

I can't imagine going on without him!

I reach for my pipe to smoke more weed, thinking nothing matters anymore.

But then I think: if I'd had a better memory, and if I could have eliminated the marijuana (ultimately resulting in better control of my emotions)— maybe we could have made it?

I still want to marry him!

Defeated

But....

....he doesn't read.

I write.

That was always a huge disappointment for me.

Maybe there's someone out there who will appreciate my art? I'm so upset by him {especially by how unromantic he is}— it's crazy, but I now crave the attention of a female.

I have a lot to offer. I'm selfless, talented, kind, very loyal, and I have a great sense of humor. I'm really good in bed. ⚡😉👍

I come with three personable cats.

Yes, I have baggage though.

For real.

<sigh>

Meanwhile

I pray all De's dreams come true.

I want him to be better off without me than he was before me.

I'll leave him better off financially, I think. And that matters to him. He'll have a house.

As for me, I'll homeless—

— —because I lost him.

Right now, all I know for certain, as I hear him watching TV in his bedroom across the hall....

I want him back.

⚡__________________ ⚡

The Tarot Card I seriously got today was...

"The Ten of Swords indicates a major disaster of some sort. It shows that a certain force of extreme magnitude has come to hit you in your life - one that you may have not foreseen. There is a sense of betrayal that is indicated here, for the character is stabbed in the back. This seems to be a reminder that despite how much we try, we cannot control everything - there are things that are beyond our ability to change. Here, this situation is unavoidable.

"Looking into the horizon, in the east, the sun is rising, and the weather seems very calm despite the darkness. The Ten of Swords seems to intimate that this is the lowest point in one's life, and it cannot get worse than this. At least, even in this state, the sun is rising."

God Guide Me in the Days Ahead. I've never been so heartbroken.

*by

William Markly O'Neal a.k.a. ___Bolt