Soulmates or Settling?

Among the major decisions we make in our lives, choosing a life partner is one of the important ones. How big this decision looms in our minds? do we hold out for a soulmate or make do with somebody who can tick most of the boxes? Movies and fairy tales have led us to believe that somewhere in the world, there is a perfect person who will understand us on every level. But real life usually has much more shades of grey. So, is it worth waiting for that one true soulmate, or should you settle for someone who feels right in most ways? How do you decide?

The Myth of Soulmates: Too Good to Be True?

The idea of the soulmate suggests that there is only one person meant for us, someone who completes us. This idea has deeply permeated our Western culture-from Shakespeare's star-crossed lovers in Romeo and Juliet through to today's romantic comedies. It's really nice and cozy, but is it realistic?

The late University of Washington psychologist Dr. John Gottman is perhaps the best-known relationship researcher. He is the author of the book *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*. According to Gottman, a soulmate is an illusion. He says, "We have this notion that when we meet the right person, everything will magically fall into place, but that's a recipe for disappointment." According to Gottman, successful partnership does not mean that somebody fits perfectly; it means finding somebody with whom all navigations can be done.

Gottman's research indicates that even the most compatible of couples have to work at their relationship. A soulmate may intuitively understand you, but unless the efforts and communication are there, even that can break down. It is less about finding your perfect match as it is about becoming the right partner to each other.

Settling: The Practical Approach

On the other hand, "settle" has a pretty negative connotation. Settling for someone who's "good enough" rather than one that makes your heart flutter. But is it always a bad thing to settle?

Journalist Lori Gottlieb provides the counterpoint in *Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough*, where she argues waiting for the perfect partner might be a trap. She says, "When we're young, we believe we can hold out for that person who is everything. But as we age, we realize that nobody's perfect, and waiting for a soulmate might leave you alone." Gottlieb suggests that instead of finding perfection in our partner, we should search for one with those qualities that really matter: kind, compatible, and willing to grow with us.

In this sense, settling doesn't mean giving up on happiness. Rather, it's about being aware that no one person is going to fill all your ideals, and that this is all okay. A good-enough partner does not fulfill all romantic ideals; he can give love, support, and stability nonetheless.

Knowing What Truly Matters

The question whether to wait for a soul mate or marry someone who can fulfill most of the needs of a person lies in knowing his values and priorities. Most relationship experts teach looking beyond the superficial characteristics in a soul mate and focus on that which gives longevity to a relationship.

Biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, author of *Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love*, asserts that shared values in a relationship are of prime importance. "When you're in a committed partnership, it's not about finding someone who shares your interests—it's about finding someone who shares your values. That's what holds you together during difficult times," Fisher says.

Instead, Fisher suggests that one focuses on emotional stability, a kind heart, and shared aspirations in life. After all, physical attraction and hobbies may fail over time, but basic values can keep a relationship going for many years.

Compatibility vs. Chemistry: What Should You Prioritize?

Probably the most universal dilemma one finds in a relationship is the question of compatibility versus chemistry. It is very well possible that one hits it off emotionally and physically with a person, yet ends up having nothing in common in lifestyles or goals. On the other hand, one could find a person very compatible, sharing values with life plans included, and yet not find the spark. So, which one do you prefer?

According to Esther Perel, a relationship therapist and author of *Mating in Captivity*, both chemistry and compatibility are important, yet the roles they play are different. "Chemistry is what brings you together, but compatibility is what keeps you together," she says. What keeps the fire burning, according to Perel, might be the similarities in values, respect, and the ability to grow with each other over time.

If you're choosing between a relationship based purely on chemistry and one based on compatibility, Perel suggests you go with compatibility. "That intense attraction will fade with time, but the foundation you build on shared values will last," she writes.

The Danger of Settling for the Wrong Reasons

While there's some merit in choosing a good-enough partner, there are also dangers in settling for the wrong reasons. People are settling because of fear: fear of being alone, fear of societal pressure, or fear of not finding someone better. This kind of settling can breed resentment and unhappiness further along.

Relationship expert Susan Pease Gadoua co-authored *The New "I Do"* and warns against settling out of desperation. "People often settle because they think it's their last chance at love. But if you're not truly happy with the person you're with, that feeling will only grow over time," she writes. Gadoua recommends that people take the time they need to select a partner carefully and based on their needs in a relationship-not out of fear of being alone.

Finding a Balance Between Expectations and Reality

After all, the decision to wait for a soulmate or take a good-enough soulmate is hardly ever black and white. It's finding that balance between idealism and reality. A wait for perfection can leave you alone; a leap into mediocrity, unsatisfied.

One fruitful tack is to shift your thinking away from finding a soulmate to becoming one. According to Dr. Scott Stanley, a researcher in marriage and relationship matters, "We don't find soulmates; we become them." As Stanley describes, the richest relationships are those that grow over time and with the shared experiences of learning to make sacrifices when both partners do. "The idea of a soulmate is not someone who magically completes you but someone you commit to and grow with over time," Stanley adds.

Choosing Wisely

Conclusively, choosing a partner involves self-knowledge and a sense of what is truly important to an individual in life. It also consists of finding a person who shares values, provides emotional security, and is willing to work at growing with the partner. The perfect partner may not be the idealized soulmate; however, it can be the person with whom the individual builds a strong, fulfilling bond.

As relationship expert John Gottman wisely said, "Successful couples aren't the ones who never fight—they're the ones who fight productively and work through their differences." Maybe rather than wait for the stars to align with a soulmate, the secret to lasting love is simply finding someone who is good enough and then putting in the work to make the relationship great.

Ultimately, it is not about soulmate versus settler, but rather about finding that someone with whom you want to grow-make your life a little more meaningful in all the right ways. Believers and nonbelievers alike, what truly matters is to choose a partner in life who makes you valued, supported, and loved for who you truly are.