Quarantined and Polyamorous

As you sit with your partner, idly watching the umpteenth episode of the current series in your binge watching, your phone rings. Your other partner, with whom you do not nest with, is calling you for some unscheduled quality time. The partner with whom you are with, rolls their eyes and huffs. "Can you take that another time? You'll see them tomorrow." Wanting to avoid the drama, you reply with a text to your caller, letting them know you will call them back later, even though you want to talk now.

For many, this, and similar scenarios have become a regular part of polyamorous life; a nesting partner has a hard time with the uncomfortable stuff. Seeing you with, or even hearing about your other partners. Allowing you to love who you love outside of them, without interference, overt or implied, Their insecurity can cause arguments, resentment, and a generally unhealthy polycule environment.

Now, add in a global pandemic to the scenario I presented earlier. Add in quarantine, social distancing, travel restrictions. Sprinkle in school closures, job insecurity, and panic buying. Throw in the element of not knowing when you will see your other partners, if ever, again. Doesn't that whole scenario now seem a bit more silly?

Times of crisis are the perfect time for humanity to band together, support each other, embrace community, reflect on life, love. When all this began, I worried about more than the family with whom I co-habit. I thought of my extended family as well. This means my other partners, both local and long distance, their families and loves as well. I thought of the people they love who are not me. What a concept! For some strange reason, call it my hopeless romanticism, I thought more people would also. I thought an impending global shutdown would somehow awaken the hearts of the people that are supposed to be loving more.

In my daydream I saw the people who have a hard time with poly, somehow empathizing with their partners who tip-toe around their feelings as a survival method. I saw the mono people who think they can handle dating non mono folks, trying to come to terms with these things, and not project their insecurities onto their mates in unhealthy ways. I saw nesting partners welcoming solo loves into their homes for community sake, establishing boundaries for their comfort levels and working together in the name of love. I saw petty arguments for once being dismissed in light of bigger things at stake. At very least, I saw people making time for their loves to connect to the people they love in whatever ways they deem safe at the moment. I saw a fairy tale.

Some people are fortunate enough to have everyone they care about in these times, under one roof. Another fortunate group are those that share the kitchen table kind of non monogamy - the kind where the door is open (save for exposing the house to illness) and all are family, and treated as such. Others are not kitchen table, but have partners that do the work to grow from the things that they find challenging, in order to be a supportive partner and have understanding. Not saying these people don't have their own proverbial crosses to bear, living this way, but are they throwing fits because you may want to quarantine with another partner also? I hope not.

Partners to people like this, your coddling, even as a survival tool, will never allow them to grow. Exposing them to situations in which they will have to practice being an adult in a healthy non monogamous relationship, is doing everyone a service. Not only are you stagnating their growth by avoidance, you are minimizing yourself for someone else's comfort. Your autonomy is negated by your own doing. Not to mention, you are cheating your other partners out of a real experience with you. They are receiving the short end of the stick in this. Stepping away for a bit, take your call, assuming you are not on a 'date' with your nesting partner, is healthy. No, you aren't doing anything wrong. Yes, even if your partner doesn't like it. Take into account how your non-nesting partner feels. Even if they've been super understanding in the past, comprehension doesn't take away the sting of feeling like the unwanted addition.

If you are the partner on the outs, looking in, wishing you were invited to quarantine, or at least able to connect via video or phone without having to be an after-thought, maybe you are exactly right where you need to be. This isn't to say that you should just accept anything lying down either, or distance yourself without giving your partner a chance to adjust a behavior they may not have even been consciously aware of. But think of how uncomfortable you would be, locked in with your babe, and their babe who doesn't really want you there.

I really hope civilization gets back to better than normal, and soon, for civilization's sake. But wouldn't it also be great, if everyone came out of quarantine, hearts open, ready to love and let love? Or should we wait for an alien invasion?