If I Could Restart My Love Life

My adolescent ideas:

• Divorce is bad, therefore you should wait to get married
• Kids shouldn't date, dating is for grown-ups
• Boys are stupid so I should just wait until they become men
• I should date people my age
• I should wait as long as possible to have sex
• My physical appearance is the most important part of attracting someone
• If someone is nice and asks me out directly I should say yes
• I shouldn't let anyone I like know I like them

These are most of the thoughts I had from around age 12–22 concerning my love life. I now regret every single one of these thought processes. If I could go back in time I'd break every single one.

I'd get married younger or at least I'd see marriage as an eventual step to any serious relationship. I'd make sure if I was serious that person was serious enough to get married. I'd also get divorced if the relationship wasn't working out. There's something about a commitment that makes validating its value seem more real, more concrete. 

How do you judge a relationship that has yet to reach its destination? Not as easily as one that has. Many of my high school classmates married, had kids, and divorced young. I don't know their lives (except a couple) but I'm willing to bet they learned more about relationships and what they wanted than me who took forever to even decide I was interested in marriage at all.

Speaking of…I would start dating earlier. This is a difficult one because I wasn't exactly allowed to date, but I would sneak and date if I could. Yep. 

Though I never saw the point of dating until years after ending my first long-term relationship I see how important it is now. For this reason, I'm encouraging my children to date throughout their teen years while they have the safety of adolescence and home to explore from. While they have us grown-ups to vent to, ask questions and run interference, I believe it's best to start dating before it becomes important, before one begins to identify with their dating status, and before their social lives revolve around who they or their friends are dating. 

Dating is simply getting to know people on an intimate level. It is testing how you can trust someone new, how deeply you can get to know a person. It is a continuation of any social relationship and yet it helps if it is grounded in a community of some sort. When relationships begin in isolation there is no foundation for them to grow on. 

This is obviously not what I want for my children. I feel like people should have robust support systems or a community outside of romantic relationships. This is a great way to decrease the many obstacles that come from failed or abusive relationships. 

So I no longer feel like divorce is bad. I think divorce can be a smart thing, the important thing is to be educated before, during, and after marriage about what commitments are actually being made from both sides. Over the last several years I've learned that boys are not stupid and avoiding them only makes it more difficult to understand them and harder to discern good behavior from bad, as well as a good person from a toxic. I feel the same can be said for girls. 

I've heard all the quips about how evil, manipulative, sneaky, etc. girls are and all the quips about boys as well. This all comes down to simply and casually getting to know people, within the context of safe communities and through a large volume of simple communication and social situations, we can learn what kinds of people to avoid, what kind of information or feelings to trust people with and what kinds of people are right for us and our situations. What's the point in waiting to learn? 

I had a lot of hang-ups about dating people my age growing up. I think this comes from watching too many news shows when I was younger and the way schools are set up to isolate children into groups based on age. I think if we understand how age affects us better and remove the stigma/judgment about how people are supposed to be at certain ages, more people would understand how to not be taken advantage of. At the same time limiting ourselves to people within 2 years of our age is not all that useful to everyone.

When you're over the age of 25 (if not younger), it may be difficult to find someone within that 2-year range on the level you're on or where you want to be. For instance, at 21 dating someone, 25–28 is certainly not a bad thing, but I personally operated as if I was still in high school. I dated someone older than that for a very brief period of time but I was almost ashamed of it. 

As for waiting to have sex, it's not that I'm against waiting, but I feel like people should think about why they're waiting and be honest and realistic about their desires. Sex is a natural instinct. When people try to ignore it, great things don't usually come from that. I think it would have been great to have a consensual first-time but I didn't have that. I know others who had unintentional pregnancies their first time. 

I've also learned that physical appearance is extremely subjective. In my study of human nature, attraction, and relationships I've learned like Maya Angelou said that people care more about how you make them feel than anything else, hands down. I wish for everyone in the world to know there is no actual standard of beauty. People agree to take the word of those who claim to be experts and condition their minds to operate as if there is a black and white science to attraction. 

Confidence, kindness, and communication go a very, very, very long way. 

I used to feel an obligation to say yes to people if they asked me directly. There are many, many people who didn't ask me directly and I will admit I had a negative reaction to those who didn't come out and directly ask me, even if I liked them. On the other hand, I'd treat those I didn't like the opposite way just out of a respect for the fact they'd come out directly and ask for what they wanted. 

I now realize there was a better way to react to both of these situations. If there is someone who liked me and I liked them too instead of forcing them to ask me, I could just spend some time around them and see if we could become closer. Once we were more comfortable with each other it'd be easier for them to ask me out or for things to just naturally progress towards something deeper. 

As for those I didn't like, I could simply say no thank you. I didn't realize for a lot of my younger days that I could say no. Or if I did say no, I didn't realize I could keep saying no and make sure if there was an escalation that I got back- up to protect myself. I didn't even realize it was disrespectful and dangerous when people didn't take no for an answer. This is very important. It's important to be kind about it, but it's also important to get back-up if you need it. 

Stemming from the same sentiment I was often afraid to let people know I liked them. This was mostly because I was afraid of what expectations they might have of me. This is also because I didn't know how to hold firm to a no or any other boundaries I had. 

So I keep these things in mind when I talk with my children and in programs, I have to help empower tweens and teens in their goals and personal lives. Practice makes perfect and preparation makes you ready. So why not prepare kids for the things that come up in adult life while they're still kids, while they're still just practicing?

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