Being a little different is Okay.

I spent alot of my life wondering why I didn't fit in. It didn't matter how hard I tried to fit it, didn't work. I'm just as pretty as all the other girls, why won't they let me sit at the lunch table with them? I'm just as smart as the other kids, why won't they let me join them in clubs?

"Your'e weird." "You're odd" "You talk to much." "You don't talk enough." "You're a girl, you can't play with the boys."

Is there any group I fit in? "No."

Okay? How do I fit in? "Be like the other kids your age."

But you didn't explain how I do that though. "You are a kid go to those other kids and play with them."

Oh okay. But they told me to go away. They said I'm weird and don't want to play with me.

"Okay, well just be yourself."

How do I do that?

*Blank stares from the adults* "What?"

I am being myself. But the other kids don't like me and I don't know why. I like art, video games and books. I go to the kids who like those too but they get up and leave when I sit with them.

"You can't like more than one thing."

Why?

"Because."

Because why?

"Why are you being difficult? No wonder the other kids don't want you around. Stop back talking and being like the other kids."

But I-I-I wasn't trying to be difficult or talk back. I just want to know why I need to have one interest and why the other kids don't want to play even if I pick one.

"I don't have time for you right now."

Oh. Okay, I'm sorry.

"OMG, you are soo sensitive."

*Confused* Oh. Spends recess playing alone.

"Your child has trouble making friends. We think something may be wrong with her. We have to explain so much to her for her to understand her school work."

"But there isn't anything wrong with her. She's bright, nice, polite. She just needs a minute to understand."

*People watches from a distance. Learns to mask. So busy becoming everyone else I no longer know who I am.*

Fast forward to my 30's; Hey, Doctor. I think something is wrong with me. I know I shouldn't believe everything I see on the internet but I have a lot of similarities to Autism and ADHD.

Doctor: That's because you are.

Me: What?

Doctor: You do have ADHD and you are Autistic.

Me: So, there isn't anything wrong with me? I'm just special?

Doctor: Yes.

Me: *reliefed* My whole life I thought there was something wrong with me. I spent 32 years trying to fix it. Maybe if I trained myself to be *normal* like everyone else, then maybe I could fit in.

Doctor: Why do you want to be like everyone else? There isn't anything wrong with you. Dispite not being diagnosed till now, you graduated high school, you went to collage twice and graduated both times. You've held the same job for over a decade. You drive, own a care. Able to live on your own. There isn't anything wrong with you. A ADHD/Autism diagnoses isn't a death sentence. You called me because you wanted to know why you are different.

Me: Yes I know. I understand that I don't need a diagnoses to define who I am. But it does explain my entire life and why I see things a little different. It explains why I understand things a little differently. Not that I am stupid or slow but it helps me see myself from a different angle.

It's a relief actually. It gives me a better understanding of me. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to take off my mask and just be me.

Doctor: Okay, let's take off that mask and find out who you are.

There is a stigmatism around autisim and ADHD. That if you are not needing full care by someone else, you can't be autistic. If you aren't bouncing off the walls, you can't have ADHD.

"You're not like my friends kids. They need 24/7 care. You can live on your own and hold a job. So, you're not Autistic."

"You're a day dreamer. You sit still. You just can't pay attention. Doesn't mean you have ADHD."

"You know, it's offensive to the people who are ADHD and Autistic."

But Autism is a spectrum.

"Then we are all a little bit autistic."

That's not how that works though. I went to see a doctor. Yes, you can be fully functioning human being and live a normal life. Yes, you can be a low functioning and need 24/7 care. Both of these types of people are autistic, doesn't make you any less of a person.

ADHD looks different in not just boys and girls but also in each individual.

Girls have a higher chance of going undiagnosed for years- decades. If they even try to be diagnosed later in life. This is because when the girl is higher functional she will end up being missed diagnosed.

These girls end up being told they are just shy, quiet, a little odd but there's nothing actually wrong. She's a normal healthy child. She's hitting all the milestones in life.

Do you know how frustrating that is? Never knowing why you can't fit in? Doesn't matter what you do.

Being yourself: Doesn't work.

People watch to learn how you supposed to be: Doesn't work. Now you are a posser. You're fake.

Did I really need the dignoses? It doesn't define who I am. But sure does fucking help. The feeling of being finally be free. The explanations. The understanding of who I am and why I am a little different.

I don't need the world to bow down to me because I am different. It literally just means I see the world in a different way.

Want to know something? I finally fit in. I found people just like me. A little weird and that's okay.

It's weird not to be weird and different.

You shouldn't have to mask to fit in. Take it off and allow people to fit into you. When people tell you to be yourself, apparently they don't mean it.

Be a bad ass bitch and do it anyways. People at the top of the world don't get up there by hiding.