Have you ever fallen in love?

I was born in July. Now, to those who don’t know, it means my zodiac sign is Cancer, which is commonly known for being sensitive. A lot.

I grew up believing and hoping life would turn out to be one of those fairy tales, even though everybody around me told me it was a foolish dream. I never heard them, I thought they were being bitter for not having the courage to look for a love like that.

So, I spent most part of my life having crushes, loads of them. I would look at a guy and think he was cute, then, in my head, I would make up his personality to be the one of my dream man. Life would eventually – quite quickly – show me the tough reality: that guy was just another normal person. Not the superman I had created in my head. I would just be disappointed and move on.

Most of the time I would like someone, but every now and then there were the occasional reversed situation, when someone would like me. But I would never like them back. Too much of a risk to let these guys in. So, life would go on, I would fall head over heels for someone new and then move on. My life was an endless cycle of having crushes – who I would never take too seriously – but none of them would turn out into anything. Life is funny though. It makes sure you will go through everything, even when you least expect it.

This is where my story begins...

It all started when I moved from Brazil to England. It was a dream coming true, but I never thought things would be difficult or that I would have to deal with strong feelings by myself.

After 3 months, living in a small village with my aunt and my little cousin, circumstances took me to a coffee shop in a garden center about a mile away from my house. And from day one, life made sure I would get to know how it feels to fall in love.

Let it be known that he was nothing like the guy I dreamed of. He was too tall, his hair was not dark, he is not older than me, he is not a science man. The only attribute I could give to him was the fact he was super smart. Still, I felt so attracted to him, I could not explain it. His silly jokes, his childish smile, his charming self, swept me off my feet. Before I could even think rationally, he was on my mind. For the first time, it wasn’t a made-up person. I just liked him the way he was. I wouldn’t change anything, not even his self-praising comments. It all just made me laugh and smile. It was warm and exciting at the same time.

A couple of people around us would often comment to me how flirty we were and that they could see the sparks flying. As if I wasn’t romantic enough, these small notes would just make me fall deeper for him. One day, when I was not expecting, I came to know he already had a girlfriend. I saw my ecstatic heart free fall from an airplane with no parachute to protect it from the obvious crash. I was sad for days, and every time he would speak to me, I would cry inside. A lot. I was hurting. There was something different from the way I felt about him, but I could not name it.

The days went by and I tried to grow a distance between me and him. As if my life was a movie, another person appeared into my life: the perfect excuse to be away from … let us call him Lorenzo… it was the most amazing excuse to be away from Lorenzo. This new person, we shall call him Liam, was everything I had ever dreamed of. He was the right height, dark hair, green eyes, and a science man. I needed extra hours, so I started working in the horticulture section, where I met Liam. His summer job and my distraction from my feelings towards Lorenzo.

I feel sorry for Liam. He had to put up with my expectations. These included me forgetting about the guy who had swept me of my feet for only being himself. Don’t get me wrong, Liam is a great guy and today, when I look back, I wish him nothing but happiness and success, but he did not accomplish the task I my ego had given him. It wasn’t his responsibility to accomplish this demand anyway.

Liam went back to university and, with him gone, my attempts to distract myself were failing by the day. In the beginning, I held on to the science guy. I probably suffocated him and never even apologized. He is a great person, and above it all, I am thankful he came into my life. His views about life helped me putting mine back on the tracks.

With the dream guy gone, I ran out of resources to avoid Lorenzo. And my thoughts about him. And my feelings towards him.

Every time we worked together, I felt us becoming closer. Some comments from outsiders would come up, but I would divert myself from them like the Matrix. However, life does not play when it comes to feelings. At least that’s what it has done to me.

Lorenzo became my best friend, the person I would talk to about my life and work and everything. He showed interest in my life and I wanted to know more about his. I tried to keep a pose of a chilled person around him, even though I think it did not work. Eventually, I realized I had fallen in love.

My mother came to visit me in the UK for Christmas, and I wanted her to meet him, it was important to me. Not only my mother but both my brothers too, who also came for the festive season. Lorenzo would ask me if he would be able to meet my family and my answer was always the same: “Why do you want to meet them?” He would only say something along the lines of “Because I want to.”

Even though we grew closer and I would always make sure to be at my absolute best near him, one thought always kept coming back to my head: He has a girlfriend. People around us would make comments about how we seemed to be together, but only to me. At least I think it was only for me.

However, because life was only trying to teach me a lesson, he left. Lorenzo went to work somewhere else. To say my days became grey with his absence is an understatement. My usual bubbly-self became melancholic. Sad. Annoyed. It was like mourning for something that never belonged to me.

One day, about (precisely) three weeks after he left, Lorenzo showed up at the coffee shop, to study. My heart stopped for a whole minute when I saw him. I was angry at him, for not talking to me anymore and for taking so long to show up again. At the same time, I was so happy I could shoot off to the sky. I avoided him in the beginning, holding on to my pride, but I eventually realized I had no self-control and gave in. I sat down with him. We spoke and laughed like nothing had changed. But it had, I just didn’t want to believe that.

The following day, I completed a whole year since I had left Brazil. There was a big lump in my throat. I had seen him and spoken to him, but I couldn’t take it anymore: I was holding a secret inside me that did not belong only to me anymore.

I went for a walk and called Lorenzo, but he did not answer. I thought it was a sign from the universe that this secret was not supposed to be out. When I was coming back from the hill I climbed, my phone started ringing. I felt numb and nervous at the same time. I knew it was him before I even looked on my phone screen. When I picked up and heard his voice my heart went to the moon. The first time, I could not say it.

“Sorry, but I don’t think I can tell you right now. I forgot.” Or something like that was the excuse I used to not say anything. He answered saying it was okay and we hung up.

But my adrenaline hit me once the call was finished and my exact thought was ‘If you don’t do it today, you will never do it.’

I called him back straight away and this time he picked it up.

“Right. So, I like you. Like… a lot.” Now these were my exact words. I told him everything and his response was: “It happens.” I kept rumbling all my feelings out and he asked me to breathe.

“It happens. We can’t control it. I madly respect you for telling me the truth.” These were one of the things said by Lorenzo.

Once it was all said and done, I finished the conversation: “Right, this is me finished. Bye.” Followed by a super nervous laugh. He just laughed back, and we hung up, again.

As I was walking home, I straight away called my sister like friend and told her everything I had done since the last time we spoke, which was about 2 hours before those events. As I was walking and talking to her, I saw him. Lorenzo. Walking my direction, out of all days. I tried walking back, but he had already seen me.

“E, he is right in front of me, I’ll call you later. I have to go.” I told my best friend in the quickest way possible to avoid him hearing a word I was saying. After all, he was the main subject of our conversation. During my phone call, Lorenzo messaged me, but I did not open. I was busy with my story and my adrenaline rush. It was an okay message of which I still remember. Not much to it really: that he would not have the same courage under a situation like the one at that moment; that he was happy with his girlfriend and that we would see each other soon. Little did I know how soon it would be.

We were both laughing and then he hugged me. It felt comfortable but not. He knew it all now.

“Hi.” He seemed happy.

“Hi.” Me… I did not know where to put my face.

“Shall we go for a coffee?” He asked.

NO. Was the answer in my head.

“Yes, sure. Why not?!” Was my actual answer.

He paid for our coffee and we sat down and talked for about an hour and, eventually, we head out.

“I’ll see you soon. I’m sure of that.” He said smiling. That’s all he had to do, smile, and I just could not care about a thing anymore.

“Sure.” We hugged again and walked our separate ways. I did not look back that day.

Time went by. I did not see him again soon. I got the same train as him one day, to London, a while later. On purpose, but he doesn’t know that. We laughed and talked like the old times - is what I told myself that day. After that he disappeared again. I have not seen him since. Some attempts to talk to him through messages were done, but all of them failed as his cold replies made me realize there was nothing left to save.

Parts of me believes he felt something for me but chose to stay with his life as it was. Parts of me believe it was all in my head. I guess I will never know.

However, what I do know is that I fell in love with Lorenzo. I wished him everything good from this world. I gave him my heart, even though he did not ask for it. Maybe one day we will meet again and be friends, but I am not holding on to that. Lorenzo made me fall in love with him. It took me a while, but I must admit… I don’t regret it. Life led me to him and now I know what it is like to love someone. Purely.

So yes. I have been in love and it is wonderful, to jump with your eyes closed and let the feeling take you wherever.

In the end, I guess I can say love is more of a “He is not that into you” kind of thing than my beloved “Pride and Prejudice” scenario (I am speaking strictly of the romance business when I refer to this masterpiece). But it is still worthy, believe me.

x.