Finding my Peace

I figure after sometime it's time I'd start writing again just to see where it takes me mentally. Though it has been awhile and so much has happened I figured why not, what harm could it do? There are things I need to get out and somethings I need to talk out but, lately I have been on a certain type of rollercoaster emotionally that it takes control of me and removes me from who I really am.

Not one person knows this but I feel it everyday and it's not something that I like nor enjoy. I do have my good days I have great days. Then there are days that I just don't want to deal with and I really don't know how to deal with them I just let them happen and I remove myself from myself if that makes any sense at all. It's amazing to me that I have allowed myself to be changes and not remain as I once was. How could I allow this to happen?

Ok so it's been a great while since I've touched this, a lot has gone on. The date is 1/9/21 and let me say; the amount of catch up lol that is the under statement. In the relationship I was in, it almost cost me; me. Let me tell you that is not something I was ready to let go of, not for someone that didn't know how to love and appreciate someone that was willing to give up so much for them.

Yet it did take me years and thousands later to finally open my eyes; though I am very glad I did because nobody deservers the treatment I have been getting from this person. I guess the reason why I stated is because I wasn't raised to give up. I guess you can say I'm a natural fighter; Even they know when to quit. To be honest there's a lot as a matter of fact so much I want to say about him, the sad thing is I just don't know where to start.....

Most would say at the beginning would be great but, where is that for this? Where did it all start and why was I the one to have to go through that? I would have never put someone through all the hell I've gone through that I claim to love through such hell. I guess you can say I am one that thinks with not only my brain but my heart as well when it comes to someone that I'm with. I see and now know not everyone is like that. You have some that have habits that they put before others and some that just don't care/think they just do. Yet they still expect everyone to always do and be there when they decide to call/text.

There have been so many occasions I've had to actually explain certain things that should have been "common sense" to most adults. Then again I have also noticed, that in just 32 soon to be 33 years of my life the foundation that is provided to you as a child is what you/we build on as we grow. So many of us have not even noticed what a lot of people lack that we are in contact with everyday. I have had to reprogram my brain in a sense because I was beginning to think the treatment I was getting from my ex was normal for him...

I never took into consideration they type of person he was before, it was almost like he became 2 different people. I will say that we have been apart for several years due to us meeting I couldn't legally be with him and I knew that. So I lived by the saying "if its meant for you let it and it'll come back." Well it came back alright but not in the form that I was knew, I had to re-learn and get to know this person that has no heart or compassion for anyone not even himself. I didn't ever think that was possible until I really got to know him as he kept pushing me away.

We would have great conversations at times but, him being a Gemini and I an Aquarius I could see what he was hiding and I made him face it. When he would run from me figuratively I knew that he was not only running from his past but, from himself and what he had done. I tried to love him through it and past it but the more I loved the more he took and the more he took well; you can imagine that 10 of this how can anyone have anything left for themselves let alone anyone else........