Long way home...

Doing a lot of looking over my life and my past relationship. I’ve noticed that I lost a lot of me in him, which is never good for anyone. I would have never thought that I would have every done that. Yet when I noticed it was done for me it was already to late because then I didn’t know what a narcissist was. “How foolish” After doing a lot of reading and a lot of watching and paying attention. I came to realize what he is exactly. This finding this out I would say certain things just to see how he would react/respond. In some cases it was spot on, other cases he caught on and tried to flip what I said to make it seem like it wasn’t me. In fact! he played the roll of emotion and compassion. In my opinion he should have won an award for best actor/liar. That’s beside the point, yet as we continued doing the dance of me wanting to see him become the person I knew and loved I continued to stay. “Idiot” So as time progressed and I got over all of it I began to play the part that he’d grown accustomed, while I would say what he wanted to hear and act loving and concerned, I would literally have him on speaker as I was continuing what I was doing; “Not really paying attention”. He never caught on to that “how stupid of him” yet I knew he was only asking for money which I stopped the “Bank Of Remy” long before that. Every time he would ask I would come up with an excuse as to not. Which I think quick on my feet, that I never let him see. So while I was keeping him in the complete darkness then forgetting to respond to his question. I would just keep putting him off as much as I could. Until this awesome point I reached to stop answering his calls I would only text and my texts to him would be short almost 1 word. One day he actually asked me why I’m not the way I once was with him? I then responded “Now you want to ask me that after all the crap you’ve put me through, are you serious?” Before he could even respond I dropped another equallazation “since you have been blazing your trial let me do what you’ve been doing, I’m going to do to you exactly what you’ve done to me and blaze my trail. Being the narcissist that he is he responded “if that what you feel you need to do, do what you need to do”. Perfectly fine I thought as I said okay I’m over it and this I’ll talk to you later, as he said I love you I just hung up. I literally had no emotion for him at this point and that part of me just kept gaping with space. Weeks later when I decided to answer one of his many calls I said “haven’t you noticed yet why I’ve pulled away and disconnected from you” he responds yeah sounding like he lost his best friend. Which I still had no emotion. I then stated all this time I’ve been trying to fix our bond out connection when you didn’t attempt not once to help me fix us so what was I trying for? He remained silent. Of course what could he possibly have to say at this point so with that silence I proceeded to go down the list of things I went through and said now do you think if the shoe was on the other foot, would you have stayed with me if I was doing everything you’ve done to me to you? “No” I said exactly so what is it that you want from me?, the bank is closed and I have nothing left to give so what are you really wanting from me? He stated “you I want you” I responded “hmm really, then show me don’t tell me”.

Honestly I have yet to get a response to that, which we all know I’m not holding my breath. I have honestly just let go and erased everything about him out of my life, though I will say I wouldn’t be surprised if the old donkey found a way to contact me again. That will be an hilarious event one in which I doubt I’ll entertain but hey! sometimes I’m in the mood for a good comedy skit.

Considering I’m still on this long road home back to myself which it’s been a very long road with twists turns bumps hills and dips I’m still on it and I’m still moving forward with my life and constantly making changes to better my mind, body, soul and emotions. May I say that making changes that no one can see but you are the best changes because you notice them you see them but someone looking at you even if they know you very well would never be able to tell.

Some advice when they ask just respond with a smile and say oh not much just did some cleaning sorting and relaxing here and there.

Until next time...........